The New Me and the New Yew

The transformation that I've experienced manifests itself in all kinds of ways. One of them is that I now enjoy a day of challenging physical work.

Today, I took on two trees that needed to be taken out of the front yard. They were "yews" that had gotten old and scraggly and had overgrown the space. Last week I decided they were coming out. Most of the branches were gone and today the stumps were to come out.

Removing a stump it not a simple task. The stump is held in place by a network of hidden roots that extend deep into the ground. I brought out the spade, the axe, the pruner, and the trowel. First I used the spade to dig around the base as much as I could. Then I used the pruner to cut the smaller roots. The large ones needed to chopped with an axe. Then I tried to loosen it by pushing and pulling with all my strength. There was a satisfying cracking sound as the tree came loose. Back to the pruner to clip the newly exposed roots. After a lot of effort, I was hoisting the uprooted tree out of the ground and dragging it to the backyard.

The reason that I give a play-by-play of the stump removal is that it brought to mind the journey into manhood. A dysfunctional masculine identity took root in my soul. Getting it out was an arduous task -- as a matter of fact it took many years. And it took all kinds of indispensable tools -- men's weekends, Christian disciplines, many books, small groups, one-on-one counsel, doing what men do, relationships, etc.

Then suddenly, I was dragging away this "dead tree". My flawed masculine identity is gone. A new, healthy, bright green tree is in it's place, bursting forth new growth!

What satisfaction! After years of chopping and digging and pruning and pushing and pulling, the old tree has given way. It took all that I had. But it was all worth it!

I can't help but feel some pity for those who gave up the struggle. Oh, there are so many. They decided it was too hard and that they could never change. What a glorious life journey they have missed out on! I wouldn't trade places with them for anything.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

My Tribute to Trent

Dear Trent,

What an honor it was to stand up for you at your wedding two weeks ago. The whole experience -- bachelor party, rehearsal dinner, wedding day -- was pure fun. I really enjoyed meeting Gary and Sarah, Hadley and Clara, your grandparents, other friends, and seeing your mom and dad again.

I didn't make it to the mic for the reception tribute. But you have always been a special friend of mine and a tribute for you has been brewing in my soul ever since.

Our first meeting was at the train station in St. Paul, bright and early Easter morning of 2006. You were relocating from Seattle and made arrangements to live with us sight unseen. I pulled my Jeep up to a tall smiling 20 year-old. You gave me a big hug and we threw your bags and bike in back.

One of the cool things about being friends with you is that I end up doing things that I would not otherwise do. You bring out a part of me that I like very much. You pulled me into your adventures. Here is a sample of some of them I found myself on:

• A borderline insane 60 mile bike ride to Stillwater on Memorial Day in 96 degree temps. We were practically the only ones on the trail and promptly came home and collapsed.


• Mountain biking on Lutsen with me on a hybrid. Somehow I didn't crash, but it was a fun afternoon with you and Aaron on Minnesota's highest peak.


• Many, many wrestling matches. They are still talked about here at the house. I just never mention who won them.


• All kinds of sports. We started running in the fall, lifted weights in the basement, bought a punching bag, had punching contests, push up contests, and arm-wrestled.

I am thankful for you, brother. You are manly, passionate and adventurous. You have an inspiring faith and I am truly blessed to know you. If there is ever a way that I can be a friend to you, don't hesitate to call. God's blessings on your new life with Katy.

Dave O

Memory Lane

I've been walking down the memory lane lately. But not in the way you might think. With a trusted professional, Johnben, I am walking down the streets in the neighborhood of my childhood and reliving some of my most difficult days.

I've gone back to Teller Street. Then to Marshall. I've stood alongside my 13-year-old self as his world fell apart. Friends that he thought were . . . well, friends . . . became attackers. Boys that I had known since I had started school . . . who I had shared so much of life with, became as mean as enemies. It is time to go back to the old neighborhood and think over some of the messages that stuck to me during those days.

As I talked with Johnben this afternoon, I was able to "reprocess" some of these events (with a technique I'll explain at a later time). The goal is to have these memories decrease in their capacity to bring pain, shame and discomfort. I told Johnben that as a result of talking it through, the painfulness decreased from a "7" (on a scale of 1 to 10) to a "3 or 4". What a difference.

With adult eyes, and no doubt the aid of the Holy Spirit, I saw a handful of boys thrown into the 8th grade world of sexuality.

Without any warning to me, the parties of my schoolmates became "make-out parties". It seems odd as I type it on the keyboard. You go to a party, somehow connect with someone of the opposite sex and then makeout in a dark back room of the house. At my first party, I was completely taken by surprise. I have a vague memory of someone explaining to me about the whole back room thing, and of getting pulled into a spin-the-bottle circle.

As I write these words, I think of my sweet little niece who just turned 13. That kids her age were being sexual at my school seems twisted. My, what a bizarre culture it was in my junior high school.

Surely my mom and dad had no idea about these parties. Surely they would have prepared me, or, far better, channeled me toward friends that had moral standards. But we were all together naive, unchurched, spiritually dead, foolishly uninformed.

I wasn't ready for it all. I was young for my grade, and I don't think that my sex drive had even arrived when the makeout parties started.

An aside . . . what a gift and a help to have a Christian upbringing. Without church involvement, I defaulted into the creepy culture that I've been describing.

In summarizing our discussion, I told Johnben that, as I relived some of those tough days, I thought more about the other boys -- the instigators -- than I did about myself. I thought about M, now a Christian and a godly man. On several occasions, he has expressed regret over his actions in those days. P, went to a Christian college and was said to have been accumulating "notches on his bed post". His marriage a few years later lasted only a matter of months. I recall T boasting of his college sexual experiences. But much in his life these days reflect a deeply broken masculinity.

I've not only thought about these boys, but I have thought of their fathers. Now as an adult I see their flaws. Surely these men did nothing to speak truth into their young son's lives. The boys were swept into sexuality at 13 and suffered for it. Their lives, in one way or another, bear the scars.

Feeling good about feeling bad

Motivated by some friends who are getting married at my age, I decided I would test the dating waters another time. I reconnected with a woman who I had met years ago and was glad to learn that she wasn’t married. She, her roommate and I went to dinner and to an Easter drama a few weeks back. A couple of days later we all went to church together. A few days later I asked her to a movie.

It was a very good evening. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it! After the movie we went out for dessert and had a good time talking. She said how much she enjoyed the evening and, as I dropped her off, I asked if she would like to get together again. She said yes.

The next Tuesday, I initiated another date. I didn’t hear back for a few days, which seemed strange. When she finally responded, she said that she would take a “rain check” because she had been busy and needed a night at home.

I was surprised again. I’ve decided to back off, at least for a short time. I’ll try asking her out once more, but the response “I need at night at home” isn’t exactly encouraging.

I didn’t expect the sadness that followed. True enough, I spent way too much time thinking about what the future might look like with her after one date. But the sadness in my heart brought me back to other relationships that didn’t work out for one reason of another. And those? Jim, Todd, Mike, Scott, etc. Back then, I ached when a relationship with a guy didn’t work out. Breaking up with a woman was always a relief. But when a friendship with a guy failed, it really hurt.

So, as sad as I was to think that things weren’t going to work out like I had imagined, I lied down that night with joy. “It’s all true,” I thought. Up until a few years ago, I doubted the possibility of real change. I had resolved to pursue restraint. But like other men, there is now a genuine longing in my heart for a woman, and, when the longing is dashed, it’s painful.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

God's pride and joy . . . and mine

I'm hoping that the clouds break up. In an hour, I'll be on the tee box for my first golf outing of the season. With me will be my long-time friend and baseball buddy, Andy. (Our trip to St. Louis is only weeks away!) Mark will be with us too.

My heart toward Mark was given words the last time we met. He was holding a cup of Caribou coffee and the cup's sleeve read, "You are holding our pride and joy".

When my eyes landed on the words, I knew that they meant something more to me than Caribou's feelings toward their product. Those words certaily described God's heart toward my friend. But they are mine toward him as well.

Mark and I met a couple of years ago when he called on me as a salesman. He had become a Christian only weeks earlier. I bought him a Bible and we started meeting every week or so to study the scriptures.

Mark soaks up the truth of the Word. In the past months, God has done a stunning work in this young man. Along with giving him a desire for truth, He has lead him into baptism and given him a lovely fiance. He is seeing God bless his work and relationships. He seeks God over his decisions.

The discipleship relationship that Mark and I have has helped me understand how the apostle Paul speaks of some of the people who he disciples. To the Thessalonians, he says, "you are our glory and joy." Of the Corinthians, he writes "you are in our hearts . . . I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort . . . I am overflowing with joy."

Which is how I feel about Mark . . . my glory and joy.

Men and Touch

Here is a post from "Growing Into Manhood", a blog I've linked on the left. The author comments on the cultural differences that exist throughout the world in how men relate. The link to the essay by Pat Repp (a therapist from these parts) about his relationships with men in Africa is well-worth the read.

Growth Into Manhood

The third national Exodus conference was held in my hometown (Lakewood, Colorado) in 1982. Still coming to terms with SSA in my own life at 22, I wasn't sure if I was ready to attend. But I was curious about the whole thing, snuck in late and sat near the back door in case I wanted to bolt. After the closing prayer many of the participants were socializing, but Alan Medinger spotted me alone by the door. He approached and asked what brought me to the conference. I remember little about the conversation, other than he was kind and encouraging and that he prayed for me.

So I had a positive experience with the author of Growth Into Manhood before I picked it up. But by the time I closed the cover, I concluded that it is the best book I've read on same-sex attraction. Reading it is one of most helpful things that a man with SSA can do for himself.

Medinger has been a pillar of the Exodus movement dating back to the 70's. He has been a ministry director in Baltimore, and can be called a leader among leaders. He had been in the ministry over 20 years when this book was written and it is filled with solid counsel from a Christian perspective. There is much wisdom and encouragement in these pages that many will find helpful in the journey.

In chapter 1, Medinger says that "homosexuality is at its core an identity problem." A man "feels empty in some place where he senses he should feel strong." The answer to the identity problem, he says, is growth. He chides Exodus ministries for focusing more on understanding and healing than on growing. This growth occurs by understanding the masculine (chapter 7), understanding what men do (chapter 8) and then doing what men do (chapter 9). The chapters on relating to women are an excellent help to the man ready breakthrough to a hetersexual relationship.