New Territory Blog

This is not for you to keep

2011-07-18T15:06:00.001-05:00

Sometimes God has a lesson for me that is hard to miss.

Earlier this summer, Andy and I were at Kaufman Field for the Twins/Royals game. We were in a crowded section fifteen rows up from the first base line. To my left were some college-aged guys who consumed five beers in as many innings. Behind us were a line of Royals fans, including a father and his eight-year-old son.

At some point, I started entertaining the idea that it would be very fun to catch a foul ball and give it to the eight-year-old. I’m not sure why. But the desire was strong enough that I sent up a quick prayer asking the Lord to send a ball my way so that I could give it away. Then I pretty much forgot about it.

By the 7th inning, the beer-saturated guys to my left vacated their seats for some other activity. In the top of the inning, Carlos Gomez stepped up to the plate and hit a ball our way. The entire section stood up attempting to catch the ball. It hit some seats and probably some people and then rolled along the now vacant row of seats and to my feet.

It seemed like the boy didn’t know exactly what to say when I handed him the ball. The dad quickly shook my hand. Andy said that the boy didn’t let go of the ball for the rest of the game. At one point, I looked back and saw him trying to clap with ball in hand.

It’s just a ball. But baseballs from major league baseball games mean a lot to eight-year-olds. What fun it was to make his day. He now has a little object to remind him of the baseball game he went to with his dad. Did he go home and show it to his mother? Did he show it to his friends? Does he keep it in a drawer with important things, like where I kept the ball from a Denver Bears’ game when I was his age?

Giving away the ball gave me much satisfaction. Far more than if I had kept it.

Hence the lesson. Many times God gives things to us so that we can give them away.

Dear Tiger

2011-07-18T15:04:00.000-05:00

Dear Tiger:

Though we have not met, I wanted to write and offer some encouraging words during what have to be the most difficult weeks of your life. The exposure you are experiencing these days would be a nightmare for anyone.

This may not make any sense to you, but having your transgressions revealed now could be the best thing that ever happened to you. Please hear me out on this.

The reason I say this is that someday everything will be revealed. I am a Christian. I believe that there is a God, and that He made Himself known to us through Jesus Christ. Jesus made this startling statement: “Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops.” (Luke 12:2-3)

Someday all transgressions will be known. The transgressions that people thought they had successfully hidden and gotten away with shall be broadcast. I’m not sure how this will take place. I just know that it will be a very bleak day.

It gets worse. When this happens, the reaction of friends and family and onlookers will be the least of worries. The God whose commandments we have broken will be present. His punishment will be more severe than you could possibly imagine. Each person will have his offenses against God clearly revealed as their knees tremble.

But there is good news, Tiger. There are some who will be saved from this dreadful moment. Jesus says, “whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life” (John 5:24). You are invited (I’m inviting you now) to believe in Christ. That He was God in human form. That He suffered a cruel death – not for His own sins – but to pay for ours. That we have forgiveness from God through our faith in Him. That we avoid judgment and have eternal life in heaven.

Yesterday I heard a Christian on the radio singing – rejoicing – that he doesn’t have to bear the burden of the man he used to be. I thought of myself and the transgressions of years past (and of this week). Because of Jesus I don’t have to bear the guilt and impending judgment of those failures. But I also thought of you. The burden of the man that you used to be must be incredibly hard to bear right now. The great news is that you don’t have to. Jesus has borne it and you can experience God’s forgiveness. I hope that you can experience this first hand, as I have. Winning the grand slam will pale in comparison.

Dave O

The New Me and the New Yew

2009-08-08T22:26:00.004-05:00

The transformation that I've experienced manifests itself in all kinds of ways. One of them is that I now enjoy a day of challenging physical work.

Today, I took on two trees that needed to be taken out of the front yard. They were "yews" that had gotten old and scraggly and had overgrown the space. Last week I decided they were coming out. Most of the branches were gone and today the stumps were to come out.

Removing a stump it not a simple task. The stump is held in place by a network of hidden roots that extend deep into the ground. I brought out the spade, the axe, the pruner, and the trowel. First I used the spade to dig around the base as much as I could. Then I used the pruner to cut the smaller roots. The large ones needed to chopped with an axe. Then I tried to loosen it by pushing and pulling with all my strength. There was a satisfying cracking sound as the tree came loose. Back to the pruner to clip the newly exposed roots. After a lot of effort, I was hoisting the uprooted tree out of the ground and dragging it to the backyard.

The reason that I give a play-by-play of the stump removal is that it brought to mind the journey into manhood. A dysfunctional masculine identity took root in my soul. Getting it out was an arduous task -- as a matter of fact it took many years. And it took all kinds of indispensable tools -- men's weekends, Christian disciplines, many books, small groups, one-on-one counsel, doing what men do, relationships, etc.

Then suddenly, I was dragging away this "dead tree". My flawed masculine identity is gone. A new, healthy, bright green tree is in it's place, bursting forth new growth!

What satisfaction! After years of chopping and digging and pruning and pushing and pulling, the old tree has given way. It took all that I had. But it was all worth it!

I can't help but feel some pity for those who gave up the struggle. Oh, there are so many. They decided it was too hard and that they could never change. What a glorious life journey they have missed out on! I wouldn't trade places with them for anything.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

My Tribute to Trent

2009-07-26T20:17:00.008-05:00

Dear Trent,

What an honor it was to stand up for you at your wedding two weeks ago. The whole experience -- bachelor party, rehearsal dinner, wedding day -- was pure fun. I really enjoyed meeting Gary and Sarah, Hadley and Clara, your grandparents, other friends, and seeing your mom and dad again.

I didn't make it to the mic for the reception tribute. But you have always been a special friend of mine and a tribute for you has been brewing in my soul ever since.

Our first meeting was at the train station in St. Paul, bright and early Easter morning of 2006. You were relocating from Seattle and made arrangements to live with us sight unseen. I pulled my Jeep up to a tall smiling 20 year-old. You gave me a big hug and we threw your bags and bike in back.

One of the cool things about being friends with you is that I end up doing things that I would not otherwise do. You bring out a part of me that I like very much. You pulled me into your adventures. Here is a sample of some of them I found myself on:

A borderline insane 60 mile bike ride to Stillwater on Memorial Day in 96 degree temps. We were practically the only ones on the trail and promptly came home and collapsed.

Mountain biking on Lutsen with me on a hybrid. Somehow I didn't crash, but it was a fun afternoon with you and Aaron on Minnesota's highest peak.

Many, many wrestling matches. They are still talked about here at the house. I just never mention who won them.

All kinds of sports. We started running in the fall, lifted weights in the basement, bought a punching bag, had punching contests, push up contests, and arm-wrestled.

I am thankful for you, brother. You are manly, passionate and adventurous. You have an inspiring faith and I am truly blessed to know you. If there is ever a way that I can be a friend to you, don't hesitate to call. God's blessings on your new life with Katy.

Dave O

Memory Lane

2009-06-17T00:37:00.002-05:00

I've been walking down the memory lane lately. But not in the way you might think. With a trusted professional, Johnben, I am walking down the streets in the neighborhood of my childhood and reliving some of my most difficult days.

I've gone back to Teller Street. Then to Marshall. I've stood alongside my 13-year-old self as his world fell apart. Friends that he thought were . . . well, friends . . . became attackers. Boys that I had known since I had started school . . . who I had shared so much of life with, became as mean as enemies. It is time to go back to the old neighborhood and think over some of the messages that stuck to me during those days.

As I talked with Johnben this afternoon, I was able to "reprocess" some of these events (with a technique I'll explain at a later time). The goal is to have these memories decrease in their capacity to bring pain, shame and discomfort. I told Johnben that as a result of talking it through, the painfulness decreased from a "7" (on a scale of 1 to 10) to a "3 or 4". What a difference.

With adult eyes, and no doubt the aid of the Holy Spirit, I saw a handful of boys thrown into the 8th grade world of sexuality.

Without any warning to me, the parties of my schoolmates became "make-out parties". It seems odd as I type it on the keyboard. You go to a party, somehow connect with someone of the opposite sex and then makeout in a dark back room of the house. At my first party, I was completely taken by surprise. I have a vague memory of someone explaining to me about the whole back room thing, and of getting pulled into a spin-the-bottle circle.

As I write these words, I think of my sweet little niece who just turned 13. That kids her age were being sexual at my school seems twisted. My, what a bizarre culture it was in my junior high school.

Surely my mom and dad had no idea about these parties. Surely they would have prepared me, or, far better, channeled me toward friends that had moral standards. But we were all together naive, unchurched, spiritually dead, foolishly uninformed.

I wasn't ready for it all. I was young for my grade, and I don't think that my sex drive had even arrived when the makeout parties started.

An aside . . . what a gift and a help to have a Christian upbringing. Without church involvement, I defaulted into the creepy culture that I've been describing.

In summarizing our discussion, I told Johnben that, as I relived some of those tough days, I thought more about the other boys -- the instigators -- than I did about myself. I thought about M, now a Christian and a godly man. On several occasions, he has expressed regret over his actions in those days. P, went to a Christian college and was said to have been accumulating "notches on his bed post". His marriage a few years later lasted only a matter of months. I recall T boasting of his college sexual experiences. But much in his life these days reflect a deeply broken masculinity.

I've not only thought about these boys, but I have thought of their fathers. Now as an adult I see their flaws. Surely these men did nothing to speak truth into their young son's lives. The boys were swept into sexuality at 13 and suffered for it. Their lives, in one way or another, bear the scars.

Feeling good about feeling bad

2009-05-18T21:23:00.003-05:00

Motivated by some friends who are getting married at my age, I decided I would test the dating waters another time. I reconnected with a woman who I had met years ago and was glad to learn that she wasn’t married. She, her roommate and I went to dinner and to an Easter drama a few weeks back. A couple of days later we all went to church together. A few days later I asked her to a movie.

It was a very good evening. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it! After the movie we went out for dessert and had a good time talking. She said how much she enjoyed the evening and, as I dropped her off, I asked if she would like to get together again. She said yes.

The next Tuesday, I initiated another date. I didn’t hear back for a few days, which seemed strange. When she finally responded, she said that she would take a “rain check” because she had been busy and needed a night at home.

I was surprised again. I’ve decided to back off, at least for a short time. I’ll try asking her out once more, but the response “I need at night at home” isn’t exactly encouraging.

I didn’t expect the sadness that followed. True enough, I spent way too much time thinking about what the future might look like with her after one date. But the sadness in my heart brought me back to other relationships that didn’t work out for one reason of another. And those? Jim, Todd, Mike, Scott, etc. Back then, I ached when a relationship with a guy didn’t work out. Breaking up with a woman was always a relief. But when a friendship with a guy failed, it really hurt.

So, as sad as I was to think that things weren’t going to work out like I had imagined, I lied down that night with joy. “It’s all true,” I thought. Up until a few years ago, I doubted the possibility of real change. I had resolved to pursue restraint. But like other men, there is now a genuine longing in my heart for a woman, and, when the longing is dashed, it’s painful.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

God's pride and joy . . . and mine

2009-05-08T19:54:00.007-05:00

I'm hoping that the clouds break up. In an hour, I'll be on the tee box for my first golf outing of the season. With me will be my long-time friend and baseball buddy, Andy. (Our trip to St. Louis is only weeks away!) Mark will be with us too.

My heart toward Mark was given words the last time we met. He was holding a cup of Caribou coffee and the cup's sleeve read, "You are holding our pride and joy".

When my eyes landed on the words, I knew that they meant something more to me than Caribou's feelings toward their product. Those words certaily described God's heart toward my friend. But they are mine toward him as well.

Mark and I met a couple of years ago when he called on me as a salesman. He had become a Christian only weeks earlier. I bought him a Bible and we started meeting every week or so to study the scriptures.

Mark soaks up the truth of the Word. In the past months, God has done a stunning work in this young man. Along with giving him a desire for truth, He has lead him into baptism and given him a lovely fiance. He is seeing God bless his work and relationships. He seeks God over his decisions.

The discipleship relationship that Mark and I have has helped me understand how the apostle Paul speaks of some of the people who he disciples. To the Thessalonians, he says, "you are our glory and joy." Of the Corinthians, he writes "you are in our hearts . . . I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort . . . I am overflowing with joy."

Which is how I feel about Mark . . . my glory and joy.

Men and Touch

2009-05-05T20:46:00.003-05:00

Here is a post from "Growing Into Manhood", a blog I've linked on the left. The author comments on the cultural differences that exist throughout the world in how men relate. The link to the essay by Pat Repp (a therapist from these parts) about his relationships with men in Africa is well-worth the read.

Growth Into Manhood

2009-04-27T09:09:00.002-05:00

The third national Exodus conference was held in my hometown (Lakewood, Colorado) in 1982. Still coming to terms with SSA in my own life at 22, I wasn't sure if I was ready to attend. But I was curious about the whole thing, snuck in late and sat near the back door in case I wanted to bolt. After the closing prayer many of the participants were socializing, but Alan Medinger spotted me alone by the door. He approached and asked what brought me to the conference. I remember little about the conversation, other than he was kind and encouraging and that he prayed for me.

So I had a positive experience with the author of Growth Into Manhood before I picked it up. But by the time I closed the cover, I concluded that it is the best book I've read on same-sex attraction. Reading it is one of most helpful things that a man with SSA can do for himself.

Medinger has been a pillar of the Exodus movement dating back to the 70's. He has been a ministry director in Baltimore, and can be called a leader among leaders. He had been in the ministry over 20 years when this book was written and it is filled with solid counsel from a Christian perspective. There is much wisdom and encouragement in these pages that many will find helpful in the journey.

In chapter 1, Medinger says that "homosexuality is at its core an identity problem." A man "feels empty in some place where he senses he should feel strong." The answer to the identity problem, he says, is growth. He chides Exodus ministries for focusing more on understanding and healing than on growing. This growth occurs by understanding the masculine (chapter 7), understanding what men do (chapter 8) and then doing what men do (chapter 9). The chapters on relating to women are an excellent help to the man ready breakthrough to a hetersexual relationship.

Hope from the Garden

2009-04-25T16:57:00.007-05:00

If it is possible for a man to love a tree, I do.

The tree I’m referring to is the great red maple that covers the backyard like a grand canopy. It shades our patio from the hot summer sun with leaves that are as big as my hand. It is a playground for countless squirrels and has been a home to many a feathered creature. Sadly, the tree doctor gave a grim report a few years back that has me praying that I outlive my arboreal friend.

Each fall, we shred many, many leaves into a mulch that will feed the soil throughout the yard. Others are raked over the plantings to provide some protection from the biting winter cold. One of the spring jobs, then, is to take up the dead leaves from the garden so that it will receive full sun.

I was at this task a couple of weeks ago, thinking that my garden was some days away from emerging. I was wrong. When I raked the blanket of the leaves from the garden, I found hastas shooting out of the ground. Tiny green leaves were popping out of the branches of the rose bushes. Tender peony shoots were pushing aside last year’s dead stalks.

Growth was happening like crazy; I just couldn’t see it yet.

It has made me wonder if that is not sometimes the case with you and me. Day after day, we do the things we do to grow. We pursue our spiritual disciplines, spend time in the Word, and worship each Sunday. We work toward a healthy gender identity by pushing ourselves to do what men do and overcoming obstacles that held us back.

During the process, however, we might not see any real change in our hearts or in our identities. We feel like the same men we were a decade ago, falling into the same sins and setbacks. It is tempting to believe that nothing is changing in our hearts and that our efforts are producing nothing at all.

But it isn’t so, fellow believer! Though it might not meet the eye, you are changing. The nutrients that are being drawn into your heart and your masculine soul cannot help but be making you strong. Don’t be tempted to give up when you can’t yet see it! Who knows that there aren’t strong branches just below the surface, ready to be displayed in glory!

I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. 1 Cor 3:6

Dear J

2009-04-23T11:10:00.005-05:00

Dear J,

Thanks for letting me know what is going on. I understand that the battle can get difficult sometimes and giving up looks attractive. As one who is some years down the road, I want to urge you not to. There are many reasons to persevere, and I'll mention a few here.

I was reminded about one of them this morning when I found this encouragement in my inbox. I think it will encourage you. There is the fulfillment of our hope in the not-too-distant future, and it will transform all of our suffering. The quote from C.S. Lewis that you'll find here might alone get you through some rough times.

One thing that has kept me from throwing in the towel is the knowledge of all that I would lose. I think you would agree that the battle against same-sex attraction is our cross. "And calling the crowd to Him with his disciples, He said to them, 'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.'" (Mark 8:34) If I won't bear my cross, I'll lose Jesus. Not only that, but I would lose all of the blessings and gifts that come from pursuing him. Think for a few minutes about all of the good things in your life because of Christ. Whatever good that the gay lifestyle has to offer (and trust me, it is less than you think) could not begin to compare to the life you have in the Lord.

Another encouragement that you need to count is your great capacity for change. From what I recall, you haven't been sexually active, so your propensity for change is especially great. When you walk down the path of romance and sexuality involving a man, it is all the more difficult to walk back and find what is true. This is not to say that God's mercy is limited and forgiveness will be harder to gain. What I'm talking about is the capacity for changed sexual desires. As one who has restrained himself you are much further ahead than one who has programmed his brain and body with powerful sexual experiences.

One more thing. That you can never have "masculinity, manhood, heterosexuality" is flat-out wrong. Your masculinity and growth into manhood (and then, very possibly, heterosexuality) has been delayed. The process got interrupted as it did for me. But this is not to say that it can't restart and continue. And it has been my experience that the growth into manhood has brought great satisfaction and even joy. Having lacked a sense of my masculinity for so many years has packed these recent years with satisfying experiences of manhood over and over. You desire manhood and heterosexuality. These are attainable to the man who seeks them.

You have made many good decisions along the way, young man. I'm proud of you for so many reasons and count you as one of God's gifts to me. Please persevere. There are thousands of men and women on this journey all over the world. And we are blessed in more ways than can be counted.

Your friend,

Dave O

Dear brother,

2009-04-03T13:56:00.002-05:00

Thank you for letting me know what has happened. You will be in my prayers and I can certainly relate. It isn't hard for our troubles to lead us into some sort of failure. It has happened to me many many times.

I know the feeling of regret. This might be hard to follow but I both accept it and fight it. I accept it because I want it to do a work in my heart. "For Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret." Somehow grieving over opening up my soul to sin, whetting my appetite for it and disappointing my Father, can work in me to bring lasting change and eventual salvation. In this way I accept the regret and give thanks for it.

Along with that, I have to fight from being "overwhelmed by excessive sorrow" (2 Cor 2:7). I don't want regret to overshadow the truths that I rest my life on. I have been adopted by God as His son thanks to the work of Christ, and my failures do not cause Him to disown me. I have been justified by grace -- once for all -- and can rejoice in my salvation despite having failed Him. The blood of Christ has fully atoned for my sin, and I am as clean now as I was before things went south. Praise the Lord for His great love for us!! Failures provide me with an opportunity to marvel at God's unfailing love.

Yes, my brother, keep on fighting and don't let this fall dim your faith in the least. He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. I look forward to rejoicing with you on that day!

I'm looking forward to talking with you soon when your new phone arrives.

I'm with you all the way, hermano,

Dave O

Lesson from the Court Room

2009-03-20T16:44:00.004-05:00

I've just returned from my first court appearance. As court appearances go, this was as straight-forward and simple as they come. I was a character witness and wasn't on the stand for long. I wasn't cross-examined.

While on the witness stand, I was struck by the opposing attorney. Everyone in the room was looking at me except for him. He was looking down and away the entire time. Was I a boring witness? Maybe. But I'm also wondering if it might have been intentional. If so, what was he attempting to withhold from me by looking away?

So it has me thinking about the good that can result from eye contact. When I look someone in the eye, I show respect. In a very small way, I show concern. A look in the eye -- perhaps for one on a witness stand -- can bring encouragement and strength.

Maybe lawyers learn this somewhere along the way.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Psalm 32:8

More About Coaching

2009-03-07T12:19:00.008-06:00

Saturdays now mean getting out of the house before 8:00 for my swimming lesson. These have been very profitable half hours. As hoped, my front crawl has improved, but I have come a long way on the back stroke. I've even discovered how easy it is to tread water.

I am also gaining insight into the process of coaching. Usually, I am the coach. But in the pool, I am coached by Tom. On Sunday afternoons, I am coached by Grant. While taking in as much as I can from these men regarding technique, the coaching part of me is observing the process. What about the relationship is effective in my learning to be a better swimmer?

Today, for example, we worked on the "flip turn". The flip turn is a somersault in the water at the wall to quickly reverse direction. I've worked on it over and over but not mastered it. I've been close to giving up, but this morning I nearly broke through and here is how it happened.

Over several sessions, the coach has worked with me and I just wasn't getting it. Try coordinating your legs, chin, shoulders, and arms, while exhaling. But today the coach -- out of wisdom or exasperation, I am not sure which -- changed course and had me work on doing a "hand-stand" instead. That, with some practice, I could do! It built confidence to master a new task. And, I am half-way to the flip!

In the pool, I don't hesitate to ask to set the agenda. There are times when I am wanting to work on a certain stroke or discipline. I've never had the coach say "no". I'll interview him about it, ask him to demonstrate, and then suggest that he watch me and see what I'm doing wrong. At the end of class, sometimes I'll ask him to give me an assignment.

But as the coachee, I don't want to always lead. My coach, by virtue of his training and expertise, knows more. I need to accept and weigh his counsel. I want to make sure that he knows that his counsel and feedback is always welcome. Though he knows and I know that every decision is still mine.

Another valuable element of the coaching relationship is positive feedback. When the coach is impressed with something -- and I know that he means it -- it is immensely encouraging.

I also benefit most when I know that the coach enjoys the relationship. I've gotten the impression that both Grant and Tom enjoy our times together. I certainly do.

Grace at "Yellow Front"

2009-02-27T17:15:00.003-06:00

Today is one of my favorite kind of day. Seven inches of snow fell yesterday and today is bright sunshine. The snow was brilliant and a fresh layer of pure white cover everything. I was reminded of a great verse from the book of Isaiah: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow (v. 18).

It is amazing to be forgiven of sin. Christians (alone) have this experience and it is hard for me to imagine life apart from the forgiveness of God.

God provided a great lesson for me on forgiveness at Yellow Front.

You haven't heard of Yellow Front. It was a little-known department store where I worked in high school. Think of Target, with about 10% of the inventory and square footage. We had a little bit of a lot of things, but not a real good selection of anything. Like Woolworths' (if you can remember that one) only not as classy. The logo -- if you could call it that -- must have taken 20 minutes to come up with.

I was a stock clerk and loved the job. One of my duties was the plant department. The plants were displayed on the end of an aisle. They had to be stocked promptly and watered.

The summer of 1977 was winding down and my departure to CU was nearing. I looked up in the stock room and saw a troubling sight: A box of plants that I had forgotten to stock. A good option at that time would have been to immediately pull the box off the shelf and see if they could be salvaged. I didn't do that. Instead, I tried to wait it out and hope that I would be gone before the box would be discovered.

That didn't work. On a walk-through with me on my last day, the store manager spotted the box. My last memory at Yellow Front involves standing at the loading dock with my manager, Bob Warner. We were going through the box, tossing plants into the dumpster one-by-one. I don't remember any indication of the anger that I deserved.

Three plants were salvageable and he gave them to me.

It was the opposite of what I had coming. I should have gotten chewed out and rebuked. A dock in my paycheck would have been defensible. Instead, I drove away with three plants. They went with me to my dorm room and were a reminder of Bob's kindness and my experience at Yellow Front.

The gift of the plants is now one of my greatest life lessons on grace. Grace is being given good things despite doing bad things. Grace comes from God to me every day. Despite having sinned in many ways -- more than I can count or am aware of -- He has given me salvation and His Holy Spirit and friends and work and blessing upon blessing.

The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. II Cor 13:14

Sad Day for Denver

2009-02-27T15:53:00.002-06:00

It is odd to think that this could even happen. Today was a blunt reminder of the changing times as the Rocky Mountain News, a daily part of my growing up, has ceased publication. I loved the "tabloid" format, meaning that it opened more like a magazine than typical newspaper. I read it every day at the breakfast table (yes, it was mainly the sports and the comics). Even now, on my trips back to Denver I would look forward to sitting down with the RMN and catching up. I'll miss it.

Back in the swim

2009-02-08T18:32:00.004-06:00

I took swimming lessons as a five-year-old at Morse Park in Lakewood, then again at a club where my dad knew the pool manager. My mom laughs that she would watch me attempt to do the back float and gradually sink beneath the surface of the water. I don't remember much about the lessons other than not looking forward to them and I can't remember why. Maybe it had something to do with the aforementioned back float.

In college I discovered swimming as exercise. The University of Colorado rec center had a south-facing wall of glass that overlooked the mountains. The 90 minutes I had between my first and second class were enough time to head to the pool and swim laps. As the morning sun streamed in and with the Flat Irons in full view, I gained the satisfaction of a mile swim.

It has only been a few years since I took it up again. Though it had been decades, somehow my old stroke was still with me, even though my 19-year-old body is long gone. The pool at the Y is not as scenic as the one in Boulder, but it offers me a great place to practice endurance and work on some new strokes. I am taking lessons at Courage Center -- an extraordinary place where people with disabilities learn to overcome.

Not long ago I realized that one memory from the childhood swimming experiences planted a seed that took root in me. It involves the manager of the pool, Paul Davis, who was a friend of our family. We sometimes arrived early enough to catch him swimming a mile before our lessons. His stroke was even, efficient, relaxed, peaceful. I've since concluded that his peaceful swimming was the result of the peace in this Christian man's heart.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you . . . Isaiah 43:2

Men and Women

2009-01-30T09:34:00.005-06:00

It has been a cold winter in Minnesota. January hasn't seen 32 degrees yet, and most of the days have been below zero. Spring will be especially satisfying this year.

But I can still run at the Lake Street Y's big indoor track. It spans the Y's gymnasium and is 1/6 of a mile long. So while I run, I overlook the activities going on in the gym. There is a Somali soccer league, golf lessons, baseball tryouts, men's and women's basketball, an Asian football group, gay men's volleyball, and high school track. It is good to see the gym get so much use and to have something to look at as I round the oval.

Watching women's basketball, I've noticed that there is a lot of apologizing throughout the game. There are apologies for a personal foul, a missed shot, a turnover, etc.

I don't see the men apologizing very often on the court. When a foul is called on them, the most likely reaction is disbelief.

Of course these are generalizations. I bring it up here to simply make the point that I saw clearly the illustration of God's design at the Y. There is a certain goal-oriented, win-the-battle spirit that God has weaved into the masculine heart. And there is caring, sensitivity to the needs of others that He has breathed into the feminine.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that men aren't to be sensitive and women aren't to be goal-oriented. Consider Jesus. If there is ever a man who won the battle -- over sin and death and satan -- it is He. Yet He longed to gather Jerusalem as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, He wept over Lazarus, and He is touched by our weaknesses.

. . . male and female created He them. Genesis 1:27

How to be Humble

2009-01-23T19:33:00.005-06:00

I always look forward to Thursday nights. Five guys meet here at the house for Bible study. The study is approaching its four-year anniversary. Rod and Mike have been constants. Several others have come and gone in that time, and right now, Adam and Paul from the house are part of the group. We take turns leading the study and it is a good time digging in the Word together.

Last night Mike K was leading us in a study of 1 Peter, chapter 5. Adam made a great observation that I've been thinking about all day from verses 6-7:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Adam pointed out that, if you take away a descriptive phrase in verse six you are left with a key instruction on humility:
Humble yourselves . . . casting all your anxieties on him . .

I demonstrate humility by casting all of my cares on Christ. If I am carrying my own cares, and full of worry and concern throughout the day, it is an indication that the person I am trusting to make things happen is . . . ME! But if I regularly unload my burdens and trust Christ with my trouble, then I am giving evidence that Christ alone is all-sufficient and the answer to all my needs.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33

Stronger or Weaker?

2009-01-07T10:38:00.003-06:00

Many things in our lives are complex. When I went to the NARTH conference, I was amazed at how complicated the issues are that we face. There could be a biological predisposition; there are family-of-origin issues from as far back as infancy that can result in a same-sex attraction. Traumatic experiences can affect us bodily until they are processed. Peer rejection, at a crucial point in our lives, can leave lasting damage. My friend Joe reminds me that these complexities are not unique to those with same-sex attraction, but are common in every life.

So I am always relieved when I discover something that is simple and true.

Yesterday evening, I was meeting with Dan and Mark to plan for the Outpost small group we are starting. We were talking about accountability and sexual failure. Men can fail in various ways, and as we discussed the topic, the simplicity of it hit home.

When a temptation hits us, we have such a simple decision: Do you want to keep your strength or do you want to grow weaker?

Yes, during a moment of sexual temptation, there may be a "climate of need" in our souls. There might be a fear or anxiety; loneliness or sadness. There can be a dismal feeling in our hearts that is difficult to name and even sense. Or maybe we are just sleepy.

The good news is that there is help from the Spirit of God during these times. We are not without help in our difficulties. "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10.

So the simple question is this: when you are tempted to some sexual escape, will you make it worse by following through? Or will you believe God. "I will strengthen you; I will help you."

Don't add more negative feelings to your soul with a sexual failure. God is with you. If you are a Christian, He is dwelling in your heart -- He couldn't be any nearer.

"Be strong in the Lord, and in the power of His might!" Ephesians 6:10

Happy Old Year

2008-12-30T11:38:00.010-06:00

I don't send Christmas cards. Long ago, I concluded that the holidays were busy enough and I decided to opt out. It follows, then, that I don't receive them either, but for a couple of faithful-to-the-end souls who have kept me on their lists despite my failure to respond.

But I've always appreciated the "Christmas letter", which reflects on the year past. Along with catching up on the news, I like the idea of looking backward and giving thanks for God's faithfulness over the past 12 months. Many like me are eager, here at the end of December, to set some goals for the year ahead. But before I look forward, I want to look back and give thanks.

Though they moved out of our house in 2008, I am thankful for Rod and Aaron. Each bought their own places and it is fun to see them take that big step. Their time at the house was a good season and I'm glad to consider each of them good friends. Each of these brothers are growing and stepping into new adventures. What gifts God gives us when He provides friends like these.

God has brought many good household companions, and I am learning to trust Him to provide friends to share the house. He brought Rod and Aaron and Trent in for awhile; just as He has brought Adam and Paul, the two faithful brothers who live at 2909 right now. I'm striving to have a household for men that is a spiritually healthy place.

The baseball trip with Andy was certainly a highlight. Four stadiums (Cleveland, Detroit, Chicago and Milwaukee) in four days. It was a fun time getting to know Andy better, visiting great stadiums, and enjoying our national pastime. We saw our Twins lose twice during a 12-2 run. A big part of the trip was visiting some of Andy's favorite midwestern restaurants. Here we are at Steak and Shake in Indiana. The '09 trip (to St. Louis and Kansas City) is already on the calendar.

In 2008, we geared down the CPA firm, saying good bye to Jeri and Deanna, the best two employees on the planet. (Can you believe that they bought me lunch and a going away gift at the end?) Though not without some bumps in the road over the years, I can thank God for abundant blessings on the accounting practice. The clients I have right now are absolutely great.

While the CPA firm was decreased, the coaching ministry was started. Aaron got the site up and developed an awesome logo. God brought a few men to work with, enabled me to attend NARTH, and reunited me with Outpost, with whom I will lead a group starting in a couple of weeks.

My Mom and Dad gave me a brand new Malibu in August, after the faithful Kia got bumped on I-94. I still feel loved every time I get in the car. This was my Dad's idea and we spent a day shopping for cars in Lakewood. I made it to Denver three times in 2008, and it was good staying with my parents in the house that I grew up in. They bless me in more ways than I can count.

Some of the most exhilarating times in 2008 were on the Midtown Greenway or the Mississippi River Road, using the new running leg. What a thrill to get out and run again, like I did when I was a kid. My prosthetist, Cale, encouraged me to give it a shot and he spent months getting the fit just right. What a blessing it is to be approaching 50 and enjoying a new athletic pursuit. I plan to write more on the experience of being a "disabled" athlete and the joy of overcoming a physical challenge.

Thank you, Lord, for so many good gifts in 2008! You are an abundant Giver, a faithful Father, and worthy of all of my trust. Thank you for your Son, for your Holy Spirit, and for our salvation!

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

2008-12-22T09:53:00.003-06:00

In 30 minutes I'll leave the house to start the journey to Denver. I'll leave the house on foot with a bag over my shoulder and another in tow to walk to the bus stop. The bus will bring me to the train, which will bring me to the airport. Then the plane to DIA. From there I take a van to Arvada. Then I'm hoping my parents will pick me up in the car to take me to Lakewood. A five hour trip and six different "coaches" will bring me home.

So it is with "life" coaching, is it not? I need to remember that as a life coach I am a link in the chain that God might be using to bring someone along. I can look back at significant men in my life who God brought my way. Certainly my Dad in more ways than I can count. Bob Warner, my first boss at Yellow Front was a kind-hearted business man; Jerry Farnik was my first Bible study leader and he discipled me at the University of Colorado; Richard Truman sought me out to teach me the Bible when I was a new believer. Helmer Dicksved, my first friend in Minnesota, modeled love and faithfulness. Most recently, Stuart Palmer has been an example of an encouraging life coach. Certainly this is only a handful of the ones that have coached me over my life.

That is how God works. Each of us can look back at a mosaic of men and women who have shaped who we are. But it is God working through them, making us into the child of God that He is calling us to be.

We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. Col 1:28

Get Back Up

2008-12-09T10:49:00.004-06:00

Every life will entail some sort of setback, failure, or disappointment. It can be big or small, physical or emotional, conspicuous or unnoticeable.

As you read this, your great tragedy or hardship is likely coming to mind. It might be a physical problem that is bothersome everyday. Or an injustice that has robbed you of something precious. It could be an opportunity that was squandered and left you wondering what might have been. Or, as I've mentioned here recently, a childhood trauma that still has an impact on you.

How true it is that our response is the key to our contentment.

Nick Vujicic is a living illustration for us. Born without arms and legs, Nick exudes a love for life. He does not focus on what he does not have, but what he does have. Watching his videos I see a joyful man. He speaks of his gratitude to God for His love for him, for his salvation and eternal hope, and for other gifts.

You can see more of Nick in this Youtube video.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Trauma and the Brain

2008-12-07T12:15:00.003-06:00

Four weeks ago right about now, I was ready to dig into a burrito bowl at the Chipotle in Arvada in the warm Colorado sunshine. With journal at hand, I was processing what I had learned that morning at the NARTH Conference.

I'm still processing.

The presenter that morning was Dr. Norman Goldwassar, a psychologist whose main focus was trauma, including a technique of processing it called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). The talk was fascinating. EMDR has been remarkably effective for things like PTSD. The Psychologist has had some very good outcomes in treating people with unwanted same-sex attraction (USSA).

What really hit home was his definition of a trauma: an event that is shocking, unexpected, rocks your world, and is destabilizing. One event can be a trauma to one person but not to another. If something still bothers you and if you still remember the details of the event, then it is likely a trauma.

Traumas get stuck, according to Dr. Goldwasser, in the right side of your brain. The left brain -- the analytical and processing half -- does not get involved. He said that the trauma can get stuck in your neurological system and can result in physiological symptoms.

I could relate to this -- sweaty palms and tightness in the chest in situations which, my brain tells me are safe, but my body is reacting as if it is not.

The goal of EMDR is to engage the left brain into the trauma where it can be processed.

Dr. Goldwassar's talk brought home to me the role of trauma in the development of SSA and the benefit of processing it. Many with SSA have experienced trauma at an age when they were unable to deal with it. Returning to the trauma -- thinking through it, talking through it, and praying through it -- can remove the effects of the trauma, including the physiological reactions that are subconsciously triggered.

I'll be writing more about brain trauma in the weeks to come. It seems like a very important consideration in addressing USSA.

O LORD, you have searched me and known me! . . . You discern my thoughts from afar. Psalm 139:1-2

Message of Manhood from Nashville

2008-11-10T18:30:00.007-06:00

I tend to stand alone in my world, as a Minnesotan who likes country music. But as I've tried to convince Aaron, Adam, Trent, and others, some country songs convey solid truths. I don't expect to win them over easily, but I want to share this one with readers. Hopefully you'll see why it is in line with the purpose of this blog.

Here is one comment:

Jack's back with a cool tune about what really makes a man. It's not the job, the car, the money nor a set of six pack abs, but how he comes through for those who depend on him, be it his family or his country.

That's a message that we need to hear, is it not? Hope you enjoy it.

More from NARTH: Bishop Schofield

2008-11-10T17:06:00.006-06:00

Some of the NARTH speakers were really gripping. I really enjoyed the talk by Bishop John David Schofield. He discussed the journey of his (formerly) Episcopal diocese in Fresno into a new network of churches when the Episcopals strayed from the authority of scripture. He quoted this text to support and explain the move: (People will be) "lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God -- having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them. (2 Timothy 3:4-5)

He went on to describe the remarkable work of New Creation Ministries with the sexually broken in Fresno. Their major fund raising event was overwhelmed with QueerNation followers continually blowing whistles. It was deafening and disorienting, but the 600 attenders began praying and worshipping. Eventually, police arrived in riot gear to dispel the rebels. When all was said and done, the event yielded a tremendous offering, prompting the Bishop to jokingly ask the ministry director how much it cost to ship in the activists from San Francisco.

Finally, he shared some first-hand experience of California politics. At great cost, the Fresno mayor ("Bubba" from television, and I still don't know who that is) and a leading Pastor led the fight against the gay marriage amendment in Fresno, organizing a huge rally on the courthouse steps. Eventually, each needed police protection from, as the Bishop noted, a community that desires tolerance, acceptance and diversity.

NARTH Conference

2008-11-10T16:45:00.002-06:00

The last time I would have been at this spot, it would have been to catch a plane on Concourse E. But Concourse E, along with the rest of Stapleton Airport met the wrecking ball years ago. In its place is a massive shopping area where I now sit processing the morning's teaching over some Chinese food.

I am back in my old home town for the NARTH conference. I just told someone that the morning session of the first day was worth the trip. The presenters were therapists from a leading clinic. I drank in the first several talks and had several "a-ha" moments along the way. Several of the points made resonated deeply with the conclusions I had come to but not crystalized into words.

What a great contribution these therapists are making. The men and women who receive their counsel are being given a great gift.

One of the concepts that I am chewing on is the therapist's attempt to identify feelings in the body. One speaker shed some light on it by explaining that men stuck in "shame" (Nicolosi's "gray zone") aren't feeling, so focusing on the body, where emotions have their physical expression helps them to identify what is going on in their soul.

Real Change

2008-10-28T09:14:00.006-05:00

I attended the Exodus Regional Conference this past weekend. It was my new friend Scott who told me about it, and before I knew it I was heading down I-94 to Green Lake, Wisconsin for the event with him and his friend David. There were good times of worship, a very good speaker, and many like me who are journeying out of same-sex attraction.

I have attended three of these events: one in 80’s in Madison, one in the 90’s in St. Paul, and this one. Over the weekend I was able to reflect on the change that has taken place in my soul as the years have gone by. In the 80’s, I remember going to an event like this and becoming “preoccupied” (I’m not sure how else to say it) with one of the male attendees. This time, however, it was a female at the conference that captured my attention more than anyone else.

What it is so striking about this change is that it is in no way forced. I do not feel like I need to be married or have a girlfriend or even be attracted to women. I am content and am well past the typical marrying season. God has made my life very full. I understand that my celibacy is a gift from Him and I am truly thankful for it. But there I was, tying to get a good look at this woman whenever the opportunity arose.

So though I am not married (and don’t expect to be) I am an example of a true change.

There have been several who, when they have become aware my coaching work, express concern over the possibility of “falling” with a client. I won’t say that this is completely impossible. But it is an opportunity to explain that same-sex attraction is something that one can grow out of, if you are willing to put forth the effort. Once you grow into manhood, men become less interesting and women much more.

Yes, it took decades. But it doesn't have to. And that is why it thrills me to be able to coach other men around this issue. Change is indeed possible and I've never been more certain.

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." Genesis 2:18

Benefits of Physical Contact

2008-10-20T15:30:00.016-05:00

It might be suprising to many readers that healthy physical contact with other men can be a powerful healing experience to men who struggle with same-sex attraction. Why this is true takes a little bit of explanation, but first let me take a stab at why I think that this is so unexpected to those who don't struggle first-hand.

Just guessing, but many men view same-sex attraction through the grid of their opposite-sex attraction. They view it, understandably I suppose, as a "lust" issue. They are well-acquainted with their own problem with lust, and their solution is to "not go near" anything or anyone that could trigger sexual desires in their hearts. So, unless you are on the path to marriage with a woman, you keep a safe distance physically.

But same-sex attraction is not the flip-side of opposite-sex attraction. Something deeper and more complex is going on. Consider this quote by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi:

“Homosexuality is an alienation from males – in infancy from father, and in later life from male peers. By eroticizing what he feels disenfranchised from, the homosexual man is still seeking this initiation into manhood through other males.”

Same-sex attracted men long for what they missed out on growing up. In a nutshell, it is the bonding that boys experience with men and peers. And some of this bonding occurs in the process of physical touch.

Of course I am referring to healthy physical touch that is not sexual.

My friend Jacob, who is working through same-sex attraction provided this report after roughhousing with some of his college buddies:

This is so ironic. I never thought physical intimacy would be the healer. I always saw it as something to be avoided, because I thought it would only increase the temptation to lust. But somehow it's having the opposite effect. And the part that really intrigues me is that only a few months ago, if I would have gotten into a friendly physical combat match like that, it would have been an automatic red flag. I don't know about you, Dave, but I think I see God's fingerprints all over this sudden shift.

Along with a "friendly combat match" with one of his roommates, Jacob had this camping trip experience:

The camping trip was awesome! . . . Actually, the camping trip is where my victories began. All the guys slept in one tent; I believe there were six of us. Because the tent wasn't exactly large, we all had to lie right next to each other. . . . The first night we were there, all the guys were huddled together in the men's tent. . . . It was then that I realized something: physical intimacy with other men, although it made me very happy, does NOT bring me the sexual gratification that I thought it would.

The Lord binds up the brokenness of His people. Isaiah 30:26

October in Minnesota

2008-10-14T00:05:00.006-05:00

Minnesota has a reputation for cold weather, but it is a little overblown. Last weekend was in the 70's and I thought I would post some pics of the scenery that I encountered as I ran along the Mississippi River. We are a few days past the "peak" of leaf color, but the hues on the river banks are still striking.

The river road was packed with cyclists, walkers, runners, and bladers. It was great to be out in the middle of October and not need a shirt during my long run. Yes, I did get caught in the rain but to my surprise, I found it was more exhilirating than unpleasant.

I am thankful for the efforts to provide so many parks and parkways here in Minneapolis. There are many scenic trails for running and cycling. My favorite is the Midtown Greenway, only a block from our house. It is railroad bed converted to a cycling trail and runs west from the Mississippi River all the way to the western suburbs. During June, there were 3600 users of the trail on average every day! It is like a bicycle freeway with few stop signs and it connects me to the "chain of lakes". There is a bike center midway and landscaping along the route.

And God saw everything He had made, and, behold, it was very good. Genesis 1:30

Finishing the Race

2008-10-06T13:42:00.008-05:00

Looking ahead to the time of his departure from this life, the Apostle Paul told his spiritual son, Timothy, these words: "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." It gives you a little insight on how he viewed his time here. To Paul, his life was a marathon and a fight -- a very short contest that demanded all that he had.

Out of the thousands of competitors at the Twin Cities Marathon yesterday, certainly a few must have had the Apostle's words on their minds. I spent the morning traveling along the route cheering my friend Mike along as he ran the 26.2 mile course. There were many who turned out to applaud the runners as they ran. The five of us -- Mike's parents, his two children and I -- went to mile 7, mile 14, and mile 22 to encourage Mike and feed him powerbars as he made his journey. I really enjoyed cheering the runners on as they pursued the prize -- a finisher's medalion and the immense satisfaction of running the course to completion.

There must have been many temptations to quit. Not the least of which was the downpour that fell around mile 7. It came down hard and runners had to pick their paths to avoid the puddles that formed in the road. Along with the rain, there was the soreness and downright pain that runners suffered. But most of them persevered, crossed the finish line and enjoyed a festive celebration on the capitol grounds with the friends who supported them. Mike crossed the line in three hours and 59 minutes -- 24 seconds ahead of his goal.

Reflecting on race day, I came away with two goals. One would be to run a marathon someday. The second is far more important, and that is to take on the Apostle Paul's view of life. It is a marathon that demands all that I have. Someday I will cross the finish line and take part in a wonderful celebration. On that Day, I want to be able to look back and say that, through God's grace I gave it everything I had. Lord, give me the strength to run strong until I cross the finish line!

. . . there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day. The Apostle Paul, 2 Timothy 4:8

Taking the first exit (Part 3)

2008-09-29T20:49:00.017-05:00

The "Part 3" above probably tipped you off to the fact that this is third in a series. Part 1 is intended to explain the importance of having an "off-ramp" strategy when temptations for a sexual escape hit. Part 2 contains some suggestions to men who would like to develop such a strategy for themselves. This post is written to men who are coming alongside a man who is feeling the urge to act on an impulse.

To be asked to assist a man in overcoming an addictive pattern is nothing less than an honor. Asking you to help him in his time of need is an indication of great trust. He trusts that you will keep his difficulties confidential. He trusts that you will be a source of the encouragement and strength that he needs when he calls. He has opened himself up to you and admitted that he needs help. It is a significant role and you should be honored to have been asked.

The man who has called you is on the road to some sort of sexual escape. The escape he is contemplating will leave him with guilt and shame. And it will whet his appetite for more. Depending on his path, the escape could entangle him in a destructive relationship and even jeopardize his physical health. His spiritual health will be marred as well.

He has several needs when he calls. Do you know what they are?

Feel free to ask him in advance. I've found, however, that at this moment the man needs a mixture of these things: comfort, strength, connection to another person.

That's all. Sexual escapes provide counterfeit of each and leave a man wounded. You can provide something real and help him off the destructive highway that he is on.

Don't be concerned that you may not have the right words. You're not there to do counseling or to help him figure it out. Encourage. Listen. Come alongside. Help him through this rough patch so that he will make a good decision right now.

I hope that this is helpful, reader. God bless you as you help men persevere and grow. I'd love to hear how it goes as you come alongside a struggling man. Feel free to correspond with me or leave a comment.

What is desired in a man is steadfast love. Proverbs 19:22

Taking the first exit (part 2)

2008-09-29T14:17:00.021-05:00

In Part 1, I explained about the need for men with addictive behavior patterns, specifically escapes that are sexual in nature, to have an off-ramp strategy to head-off a destructive fall. This is not exactly a new idea. But I've seen few concrete suggestions for men to implement this strategy so that it is an effective tool in fighting addictive behaviors. In Part 3, I have suggestions for men on the receiving end of the telephone call.

Select 3 guys

Maybe more than three if you'd like. Choose carefully and look for men who will be understanding when you call. The type who will offer you encouragement and not a reprimand. "What is desired in a man is steadfast love," the Proverbs say. He needn't be one of your closest friends. But he must be generally reachable and he must be understanding when it comes to sexual sin. His values need to line up with yours; that is, that sexual escapes are unhealthy and wrong. He must be able to be trusted with the information that you will share with him.

Explain to the man your need

Here is a suggestion:

Hey, Bruce, I'd like to ask a favor of you . . . something that you'll hold in confidence between just you and me. Every now and then I have fallen into some sexual escapes -- nothing I much want to do or am proud of -- and am working with a coach to break the habit. I was wondering if you would be willing to be someone I could give a quick call to when I feel the cycle start to begin. We don't need to get into what's going on when I call -- I just need to briefly connect with a friend, let him know what's going on and get some encouragement and prayer support. It's not a lifetime commitment -- just for the next few months as I make some progress and break the pattern. Would you be willing to help me?

There is no need to get into the specifics of your temptations.

It might seem like a tough request to make. But likely the man will feel honored that you trust him with your struggle and admire your doing what you need to do to overcome it.

Follow through

Set up some trigger points for yourself. "I'll call Tony, Roger, and Stuart if I ________" (start driving downtown, pick up the phone to call so-and-so, start a dangerous internet search, etc). Once you hit the trigger point, make the calls. If there is no answer, leave a message with a request to talk later.

I suggest keeping the call brief but completely honest.

Don't be afraid to ask for what you need to exit the sexual escape highway. "Wayne, can I call you in 45 minutes to assure that I drive straight home?" or, "Can I send you an email about how I spent the rest of the day? I really need to process what happened to me at work today."

Remember

Remember that a sexual escape is worthless. Yes, your heart will race and you'll be distracted from your emotional trouble. But it will leave you with a mixture of shame, guilt, and desire that won't go easily or quickly.

Save yourself all of that. Develop an off-ramp strategy and use it.

. . . if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use. 2 Timothy 2:21

Taking the first exit (Part 1)

2008-09-29T10:51:00.017-05:00

Many have made the observation that a sexual escape is the culmination of a sequence of events. Men are often set up for temptation initially by a disappointing event. A sense of discouragement and defeat follows. Surely, the devil is an opportunist (Luke 4:13).

Dr. Joseph Nicolosi has pointed out that, as a men progress down this path, they are "not feeling" and "not dealing". The emotions that the event has triggered are difficult to deal with, and to push the emotions out of their heads they start down a path of sexual escape. As Nicolosi has explained, they begin a dialogue with themselves . . . "I want to act out . . . I shouldn't act out . . . I want to . . . I shouldn't".

This is a familiar scenario to men who have found themselves on this path. There is a fight going on in their souls and it is a fight that they often loose.

True enough, it is ideal to identify and wage this mind battle as early in the process as possible. But renewing the mind is a long process. It takes time (yep, I'm talking months and years) to tune in to our patterns of thinking and feeling and escaping.

In the mean time, I am coaching the men who struggle with addictive sexual escapes to have an "off-ramp" strategy. The strategy involves having three men to call when they begin to sense that they are on the sexual escape super highway. Having an off-ramp strategy is not a substitute for their ongoing mind-renewing work that they are doing with their counselors and coaches. But the off-ramp strategy can spare the man from the debilitating effects of a sexual failure, big or small.

The off-ramp is so important, that I urge men to spend time carefully developing their strategy. In the following posts, I offer suggestions to men who are trying to stop addictive behaviors (Part 2) and to the men who will be supporting them (Part 3).

. . . flee youthful passions. 2 Timothy 2:22

More than a light fixture

2008-09-21T20:46:00.010-05:00

For 18 years, our house has had a chandelier, which one visitor described as "feminine". I dismissed the comment at first but eventually saw the light (sorry) and decided it should go. We are a household of men, afterall.

I found one on clearance at Home Depot (where men buy light fixtures). It seemed to fit the house so today we did the installation.

Once again, it was more difficult than the directions let on. This time it was Adam who helped me to think through the problems. It truly looked like it wasn't going to happen at several points. The connecting bolt was too long for our box (we took a hack saw to it). The instructions were less than worthless, so we proceeded by instinct. I told Adam that the obstacles were what make it fun and I really meant it.

(One more lesson I have learned about the man's world of tools is this: a man keeps his tools organized and ready to use. The retractable knife, for example, is kept in a certain place and he doesn't have to run all over the house looking for it.)

So a feminine thing has been replaced with a masculine thing. This is the same work that I desire for God to be doing in my soul. Not that there is anything wrong with the feminine, of course. But God has created me male, and called me to glorify Him in masculine ways. As I grow in the masculine, God is glorified, I am satisfied, and the wrong longings for masculinity fade away.

Behold, I make all things new. Revelation 21:5

10K in the Rain

2008-09-14T20:46:00.004-05:00

I got in a few hours ago from the longest run of my life. Seven miles in the rain around White Bear Lake with Cale, my prosthetist. It was my first run in the rain, but nothing new for Cale, who said that he often trained in rain as a reservist. It wasn't a hard rain, and I didn't mind at all. (Next time, however, I'll know better how to dress for the rain. I really overdid it.)

The value of training with another man is starting to become clear to me. Today, for example, the rain might have been enough to keep me off the trail. But Cale wasn't backing out so I wasn't going to either. I also had some significant leg pain after mile five (and I was getting tired). Had I been alone, I might have stopped. No, I would have stopped! But Cale and I had a great conversation going and I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and before long, we were back at the marina where we started.

And as far as masculine development goes, training with other men is of tremendous value. Whatever the endeavor, other men will push you to go harder and farther. They will teach you the best techniques and new exercises. They will watch your form and point out when you need to improve. As you sharpen your skills, you will do the same for them. Whenever I can, now, I train with another guy.

Iron sharpens iron,and one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

Disclosure is opening your heart

2008-09-09T20:12:00.003-05:00

I noted in an earlier blogpost that I am on a journey of disclosure. I am learning that there is real joy and pleasure in opening up to others about my journey out of same-sex attraction. It is a risk as you might imagine. But there has always been a reward. My relationship with the person that I have disclosed to has always deepened.

So this quotation from Maria Edgeworth captured my attention today:

“The human heart, at whatever age, opens to the heart that opens in return."

When I disclose, the hearer's heart opens in return.

There is one more thing that I have noticed. When my heart opens to others, it opens to God as well. The Spirit of God comes rushing in at that moment . . . I draw on His strength as I disclose the nature of my journey. He opens the heart of the listener, through whom I almost always receive grace.

I can say that I have experienced the opposite as well. I have closed my heart by holding on to anger, suspicion, and bitterness, then wondered what happened to the sense of God's presence that I used to have.

This might be the point of Jesus' teaching in Matthew 5: "So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (v 23-24). God commands us to attend to the problem in our hearts with a brother before we pursue communion with Him. Maybe he won't share a heart with anger and discord.

May we strive for open hearts. With our fellow man and with God. And may we then experience the joy having others open their hearts before us.

We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians; our heart is wide open. 2 Corinthians 6:11

A Battle to Fight

2008-09-06T21:53:00.002-05:00

I'm always keeping an eye open for the spirit of manhood and saw it last night at the ballpark. I went to a Minnesota Twins game and the opposing team hit a home run over the fence into the bleachers. The ball landed in some empty seats and two men went after it. For one of them, it meant jumping onto the row of seats (with arm rests), ribs first. The two grown men wrestled each other over the ball for about 30 seconds. When one of them came up with it, he held it up victoriously.

Then, egged on by the crowd, he threw it back into the outfield.

As John Eldgredge has said, men need a battle to fight. They will find one, even if it is over a $3 baseball.

Men do well to understand this about themselves. It is a spirit that God has put in them for a good purpose. Of course, like any gift from God, it can be misused. But it is meant to be used and we are to seek God's guidance over what battle He has chosen for us to fight. (Hint: It probably isn't over a baseball hit into the stands.)

So men, choose your battles wisely. But definitely battle. Don't bury this spirit that God has especially weaved into your nature. There are many worthy battles to fight. If you are a Christian, you are in the midst of a great spiritual battle. Don't be unaware or inattentive lest you suffer an unexpected blow.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness . . . Eph 6:12

Brotherly Affection in British History

2008-08-19T16:00:00.007-05:00

Many have pointed out that demonstrations of heart-felt brotherly affection are rare in these days. Our lives our less rich as a result. This was not always the case and once again I'd like to turn our attention to Eric Metaxas' biography of William Wilberforce.

Metaxas reprints a letter to Wilberforce from his close friend, William Pitt, pictured at left. Pitt, the future Prime Minister, replying to his friend's letter about matters of faith, writes:

". . . few things could go nearer to my heart than to find myself differing from you essentially on any great principle. I trust and believe that it is a circumstance which can hardly occur. But if it ever should . . . believe me it is impossible that it should shake the sentiments of affection and friendship which I bear towards you, and which I must be forgetful and insensible if I ever could part with."

Asking for an opportunity to talk further about the Christian faith, Pitt writes:

"What I would ask of you, as a mark both of your friendship and of the candor which belongs to your mind, is to open yourself fully and without reserve to one, who, believe me, does not know how to separate your happiness from his own."

I want to know more about the friendship of Pitt and Wilberforce. The two men were strong in manhood, rising to the highest levels of leadership of a world empire. Yet Pitt could openly express his affection to his friend.

May we grow in manliness and the ability to express brotherly affection from our hearts.

"Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor." Romans 10:12

A Man and His Tools

2008-08-17T21:08:00.008-05:00

My Uncle Loyd had a cabin deep in the mountains of Colorado. Getting to it entailed driving 15 miles on a dirt road. There was a pristine lake not far away that fed a stream, which ran through the property. I drank from the stream when no one was looking. Best water I've ever had.

The cabin was the source of many great memories for our family. It is where I learned to play (and love) croquet. On our visits there we would explore the woods, play all sorts of games, cook popcorn on the stove, build fires, fish, visit Uncle Martin down the road, and eat tremendous meals.

The nearest public electricity and water sources were 25 miles away. Somehow my uncle constructed his own power plant. I'm still not sure how he did it. But the cabin had complete electrical service, along with running water, hot and cold.

I can still remeber his big garage at the cabin. It rarely contained a vehicle -- rather it was filled with tools and everything needed to keep the cabin and the jeep operating. Even now I smell the cans of gasoline and oil that sat on the shelves. There were jars containing a hodge-podge of screws and bolts, boxes of nails, many saws, axes, hammers, mowers, and rags. Two very old Kansas license plants hung on the wall for decoration.

You may have read elsewhere on this blog of the need for same-sex attracted men to associate with masculine things as part of their growth out of SSA. One way to do this is to enter the world of tools.

This will be different for every reader. But most of us possess something that needs to be repaired, whether it be a bicycle, a vehicle, or a house.

Personally, I have gotten a lot of satisfaction in constructing a work room in the basement. I purchased pegboard and have hung tools. With Trent's help I built some shelves and Aaron and I resurfaced and painted the bench. It is a room that I hope to spend a lot of time in as the years go by. And, just like my uncle's garage, there is a very old license plate hung for decoration.

"You have an abundance of workmen: stonecutters, masons, carpenters, and all kinds of craftsmen . . . Arise and work! The Lord be with you!" 1 Chron 22:15-16

Ceiling Fans and Perseverance

2008-08-08T16:54:00.008-05:00

It was called the Quick-Connect ceiling fan. "Connects in minutes", the box said, with only the use of a few handtools. I was skeptical, and, as it turned out, with very good reason.

Connecting in minutes is realistic under ideal circumstances. But our 82 year-old house had an 82 year-old electrical box holding the wiring for the old fan. Then there was a drywall ceiling attached to the plaster ceiling so that the box was recessed into the drywall by at least an inch. Attaching the new fan to the old box was impossible.

To be completely honest, I was ready to make a phone call to the electrician. But Paul, my friend who volunteered to help me, was undaunted. Paul, dear brother, I couldn't have done it without you.

After two trips to the Home Depot, several conversations with their staff, three trips to the corner hardware store for just the right screw, and hours (not minutes) of tinkering with the connection, the fan is now cooling the living room. It is a sight to behold.

I am writing about it here, because the victorious house project is one of the building blocks to manliness. Paul and I worked together for hours. We were nearly stumped several times over what type of junction box to use, how to securely attach it to the existing box (or to replace the old one altogether), what bolts and screws would do the job, and how to interpret the instructions.

Calling the electrician would not have been an utter defeat. We don't have to feel like we have summon the manliness to tackle every project that comes our way.

But I'm glad that I didn't. Now, each time I look at that fan, I am reminded that Paul and I (with God's help as always) conquered the ceiling fan.

"My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth." Psalm 121:2

Dear friend,

2008-07-27T17:59:00.010-05:00

Sure enjoyed our bicycling trip on Friday. It was fun to get out and I think that God really blessed our day. We avoided the two rain storms and had perfect weather. No flat tires, no mishaps along the way. Then Chipotle. The Lord is good.

I was proud of you on the trail, young man. You set a personal best for distance. You didn't quit until we made our goal -- even though you could have when we got back to North St. Paul. There is no reason why you can't keep making progress on your fitness goals. Don't give up until you achieve them!

But I am also proud of you for other reasons. You are courageous. It takes courage to fight against the same-sex attractions that surface in your soul and you are doing it. It takes courage to open up to your Pastor and you did it. It takes courage to ask for help and you are doing it. May God continue to grow your courage and I pray that it will yield a great reward!

Yes, there will be challenges ahead. But you can allow each one to push you toward God and not away from Him. You will find Him patient, encouraging, fatherly, wise, forgiving and strengthening in everything that you bring to Him. What great help we have as Christians!

God's blessings as you press on. Keep the wheels turning . . . on the bicycle and in your journey!

Dave O

. . . He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

Manhood at the University of Minnesota and the House of Commons

2008-07-22T14:03:00.018-05:00

As I write this afternoon, I am at Wilson Library at the University looking out across the plaza. People walk, cycle, and "blade" to their next class or appointment. Like some others here at the library, I watch them between keystrokes and paragraphs.

I see students and faculty, visitors and administrators, men and women. Some of the men look like they might be athletes; others are clearly not athletes at all.

But what an error I would be making were I to “measure a man” by his physical appearance!

Two days ago I finished Amazing Grace, the biography of William Wilberforce. If you are unfamiliar with him, he led the fight in Parliament to abolish the slave trade. The man was a true warrior. Though he never wielded a sword or a pistol, he confronted the evil practice of rounding up Africans and shipping them to the West Indies to labor on a plantation. If they survived the trip, the slaves faced a life full of difficulties that are beyond my comprehension. Amid death threats and great opposition, Wilberforce and the abolitionists prevailed, though the political battle lasted decades.

The author provided a brief physical description of Wilberforce early in the book:

“Wilberforce was universally described as tiny and stood just over five feet tall with a child-sized torso. His chest was measured in later years at thirty-three inches.” (p. 43)

This “tiny” man was a spiritual and political giant who led the fight to secure the personal freedom of hundreds of thousands of slaves. I’ll say it again – what an error we make when we measure a man by what we see on the outside!

How, then, do we esteem the physical strength of a man? There is a certain glory to it, is there not? "The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their gray hair." (Proverbs 20:29) But what a fleeting glory it is! And how trivial in the sight of God! Recall what God said to Samuel when he was selecting a king:

“Do not look on his appearance or the height of his stature . . . For the Lord sees not as man sees; man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

Think about that, next time you overlook the plaza at a University.

His delight is not in the strength of the horse, nor is his pleasure in the legs of a man. Psalm 147:10

Rich's Barbershop

2008-07-16T13:03:00.011-05:00

If you are serious about overcoming SSA, you’ve probably learned that you need to gradually chase every remnant of defensive detachment from masculine things out of your system. We need to do what men do and go where men go. A big step in this regard for me was becoming a customer at Rich’s barbershop.

For years I went to the local franchise of a hair salon to get my hair cut. The salon had a staff consisting entirely of women and one very unmasculine man. As I sat in the chair, five feet to the left a woman was giving another woman a style-cut, all the while talking about highlights and styling gels. In the waiting area are magazines like People and Intouch and books of hairstyles.

What on earth was I thinking?

Less than half a block away is a barbershop. Rich is the owner and sole barber. The place doesn’t have a name. I don’t think that it has ever been redecorated and none of the patrons care. There are all sorts of interesting things on the wall, like picture postcards, yellowed business cards, pictures of people and comic strips. No credit cards are accepted; but if you’re short on cash, Rich will just tell you to catch him next time.

Along with the giant barber chair, three old-fashioned theatre chairs face the barber. There is one conversation in this tiny shop. Rich considers the place a man-refuge of sorts. During one haircut, we all talked about using boilers versus forced-air furnaces to heat homes. (Remember, I live in Minnesota.) I think that Rich can carry on a conversation with any man about any topic. At the end of the haircut, Rich lathers your neck with hot foam and then pulls out the sharp razor. It is the best part (no pun intended) of the treatment. I always look forward to the visit.

You might be saying, “It’s only a haircut, Dave.” Yes, that's true. But for me it is enormously symbolic. When I was a kid, I used to go to the barbershop with my dad. It was a man’s world. We would go on Saturday afternoon and there was a game on the TV and Car and Driver and Field and Stream in the magazine rack.

Then somewhere along the line it was decided that I wasn’t getting a good haircut there. I must have been about 13. My mom found a “stylist” and brought me to her. I was out of the man’s world and into a salon and I didn’t protest.

It took me a few decades, but I made it back to the barbershop.

Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. 1 Corinthians 16:13

Reframing from Rich, Step 1: Find the Story

2008-07-14T13:43:00.011-05:00

One of the helpful processes that I have learned from Rich at People Can Change is that of reframing. Men struggling with SSA would do well to practice this process with their coaches and build it into their daily lives. Implementing it will bring you significant benefits by diffusing some of the attractions that could otherwise knock you over.

In this post, let's consider his step 1.

You are at Chipotle and a man ahead of you in line captures your attention. In a split second your thoughts get carried away and you know that you are struggling. If you don't embrace another line of thinking, you could get carried away to a bad place.

Your first inclination might be to stop looking or to find a seat that faces the corrugated sheet metal on the wall. Sure, you could do that, but there will be another guy that could catch your eye as you walk out of the place.

Rich offers a far better suggestion that will cause you to grow. Get a grip on your thoughts and determine what is going on in your head. Begin by splitting off the sexual component of your thinking. Set that aside, look at him and "find the story". What are you telling yourself about him and yourself at that moment? This is an opportunity to hone your thinking and bring it under control.

There will more than likely be some sort of comparison going on. He is stronger or bigger; quicker or leaner. He is more important or successful; more rugged or adventurous. He is younger or carefree; he is more steady, confident and happy. He has more hair, it is less gray, or a fuller beard. As you can tell, the comparison could be on any basis. Determine the story running through your head, then you can know how to address your thinking.

Rich suggests that you zero in on your feelings at this point. Feeling can be difficult for some SSA men if feeling only resulted in sadness and frustration growing up. He mentions some possible emotions that might be emerging: envy, loneliness, sadness, or shame. We will deal with the important topic of dealing with emotions in subsequent posts.

This is step 1. You have discerned what you are thinking and feeling. Your next reflex must be to move on to step 2: processing

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Psalm 139:23

Disclosure as Manliness

2008-07-08T22:35:00.015-05:00

Thank God for the journeys that He leads us on. As a Christian, I am journeying toward a stronger relationship with God and knowledge of Him. I am on a masculine journey, seeking to be a man in every aspect of my life. I am striving to become a more effective leader of my household and a stronger influence on the men in my life. As a coach, I am studying to learn the best way to lead men into their full potential, past obstacles, into lives that are productive, satisfying and God-glorifying.

I am also on a journey of self-disclosure. In the past, I have been cautious and reluctant to disclose battling same-sex attraction. But in my role as a coach to men who are same-sex attracted, self-disclosure is part of the new territory. God has called me and it is time for boldness.

My coach, Stuart, led me to make the connection between manliness and self-disclosure during our last time together. This was really the first I had considered the idea and it has given me a lot to chew on.

A friend and I were talking not long ago about how we are standing on the shoulders of those who have gone on before us. As I write this, there is a Bible, written in English on the table to my right. A few centuries back an order of the Pope dictated that all Bibles be in Latin, preventing non-Latin speakers from reading and understanding the truths of God for themselves. One man, William Tyndale, the British reformer, defied the order. He translated the Bible into English, then published and distributed it. For this he was imprisoned and burned at the stake. But because of him and others like him, I am able to read the word of God and be changed by it.

I also stand on the shoulders of many who have spoken of "change" for men and women with same-sex attraction. What would have been the course of my life, were it not for the network of Exodus ministries that sprouted 30 years ago? More recently, the impact of People Can Change has led me into a greater experience of manhood to the extent that the sexual escapes from the past are now unthinkable.

The founders of Exodus and People Can Change publicly disclosed their struggles. I don't know what this has meant to them. But I do know that I have a freedom from sin, a masculine identity and a satisfying life that I wouldn't have were it not for their disclosure.

This is masculine strength and courage, is it not? Manliness is setting aside the desire for self-preservation and acting for the greater good. May God grant us manly strength so that the ones to come may stand on our shoulders.

By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. 1 John 3:16

Why I am a Coach and not a CPA, Part II

2008-06-26T01:09:00.003-05:00

I was reminded of the call of God in my life the other day in a way that I did not expect. I was using the locker room at the Y when he crossed my path.

He had a look of innocence. He couldn’t have been more than 24 and he looked like he was off to a good start. He appeared educated and capable. A professional man, I guessed that he was, but with kind and friendly eyes.

Some of his behaviors made it clear, however, that he was same-sex attracted and he was "cruising" in the locker room.

I am sad for this man. In one of the best seasons of his life, he was being led by the nose by his sex drive. I am old enough now to know where this leads. Hundreds of sexual encounters, probably, by the time he is 30. Maybe a couple of relationships that will leave him broken and spent. Disease. His emotional growth will be stunted because he will handle difficult feelings with sexual escapes. He is running from one of God’s most precious gifts to him: the experience of being the man and feeling like a man. He is on a road that leads nowhere.

Where are the voices of warning? Who can help this man, were he decide to walk a different road?

This young man reminds me of myself 25 years ago. The profound longings for manliness, confusing emotions, various fears, deep passions, and cravings for relationships conspired together. Gay experiences were hard to resist. The people and places where I sought help offered little of the instruction and support that I really needed.

Now I am 48. Thank God for forgiving me, maturing me, leading me, and making a man out of me.

I think again of the young man, and the thousands of young men like him. And that is why I am a coach and not a CPA.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you. Psalm 51:12-13

Why I am a Coach and not a CPA

2008-06-26T01:06:00.000-05:00

Twenty-six years ago, this very month, I passed the CPA exam. I sat in Currigan Hall (which has since met the wrecking ball) in downtown Denver, with several sharpened #2 pencils, and darkened bubbles on a paper for hours at a time. Though the test took only 2 ½ days, it was the culmination of 4 years at the University of Colorado and months of preparation.

That was the start of a blessed career. Difficult at times, but blessed. The first job at Arthur Andersen was rocky. But eventually I opened my own practice. God blessed us with wonderful clients and employees. My work in the accounting field provided me a good living, satisfying relationships, and a sense of purpose.

There have been times recently, usually driving home from a satisfying day at an accounting client’s office, when I am prone to second guess the decision to walk away. My accounting firm is turning a good profit and I have good relationships with my clients. So I decided that one of my first blogposts would be about leaving it all for life coaching.

There is a simple explanation, really: a call from God. I believe that He is calling me to this adventure in the next season of my life. I’m not sure where it will go, but I am going to follow.

The apostle Peter was sitting safely in a boat when he saw Jesus walking on the water nearby. Getting out of that boat and stepping out on the lake defied logic. No matter. “Jesus, ask me to come to you!” Somehow he knew that if Jesus called him out of the boat he could walk on the lake too. Then Jesus called. “Come!”

Without any forethought or analysis Peter hopped out. What a thrill that must have been! Can you imagine the excitement? Eleven others sat stunned and amazed!

So I feel a little like Peter. God is calling me out of the secure boat . . .

That’s why I am a coach and not a CPA.

He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it. 1 Thessalonians 5:24

Appreciating the Challenge

2008-06-25T12:27:00.006-05:00

Awhile back my mother told me that she thought that I had lived a hard life. I wasn’t sure what to make of the comment, nor am I sure that I agree with it. But as I reflected on it I understand why she might think so.

My mother is aware of my battle with same-sex attraction. There was a bleak season about 12 years ago when I needed all the support that I could get with the whole thing. I decided to tell her all about it and she was indeed a valuable help at the time.

But my mom also walked through the trying times in my adolescence when my health was in a crisis. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with a bone cancer that was rare, and, at the time, usually fatal. My parents had to deal with the weighty medical decisions, daily trips downtown for radiation, weekly ones for chemotherapy, my lousy attitude about it all, and, what looked to be my approaching death.

I didn’t die. The required treatment, however, resulted in the amputation of my right foot in November of my junior year of high school.

At this point in the story, people often say, “Wow, what an awful time of life to lose a limb!” I’m not so sure. Kids handle catastrophic illness better than adults.

Along with the carefree, “don’t-bother-me-with-cancer-treatment” attitude of a kid, at 16 I had enough maturity to realize that I was at a fork in the road that would steer the rest of my life. Was this turn of events to be a cause of ongoing self-pity? Or would losing my leg become an ongoing source of challenge and accomplishment? God gave me the grace to choose the latter.

My leg was amputated 32 years ago. In January of this year I completed my first triathlon. Then another in April. Sure I finished toward the bottom of the pack. But I won the self-proclaimed physically-challenged division (yes, I was the only member). I’ll never forget the pleasure as I walked to my car with the “certificate of completion” in hand. Last week, while out on a training ride, I met a man who caught up to me and said, “I’ve never met you before but you are my hero. All of my friends are giving up cycling for one reason or another but seeing you out here really inspires me.” "How often does a guy get to hear that?" I thought to myself. Just as I had suspected 32 years ago, losing a limb has been a life-long challenge full of satisfaction.

Why am I talking about my physical challenges here? Because they have become a blueprint for how I view same-sex attraction. Will I descend into self-pity and constantly grumble about how hard and unfair it is? Yes it is hard and unfair. I am not suggesting that anyone deny reality or stuff the grief, anger and shame that he might experience. But there is a lot to be said for a positive attitude.

Most men get handed their masculine identity and don’t even realize what a gift they have been given. Like many other men, however, I have scratched and clawed and fought and prayed to obtain it. We've paid $$$ to go on masculine development weekends in other states. We've read books, pursued counseling and coaching, taken part in groups etc, etc, all to obtain our precious freedom and masculinity. What great value these things are in our hearts when we find them! What joy comes from a breakthrough of freedom or a rush of masculine strength!!

So I will enjoy this journey and wring every drop of satisfaction from it that I can. It has packed my life with purpose and it is making me into the man that I want to be.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9