Appreciating the Challenge

Awhile back my mother told me that she thought that I had lived a hard life. I wasn’t sure what to make of the comment, nor am I sure that I agree with it. But as I reflected on it I understand why she might think so.

My mother is aware of my battle with same-sex attraction. There was a bleak season about 12 years ago when I needed all the support that I could get with the whole thing. I decided to tell her all about it and she was indeed a valuable help at the time.

But my mom also walked through the trying times in my adolescence when my health was in a crisis. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with a bone cancer that was rare, and, at the time, usually fatal. My parents had to deal with the weighty medical decisions, daily trips downtown for radiation, weekly ones for chemotherapy, my lousy attitude about it all, and, what looked to be my approaching death.

I didn’t die. The required treatment, however, resulted in the amputation of my right foot in November of my junior year of high school.

At this point in the story, people often say, “Wow, what an awful time of life to lose a limb!” I’m not so sure. Kids handle catastrophic illness better than adults.

Along with the carefree, “don’t-bother-me-with-cancer-treatment” attitude of a kid, at 16 I had enough maturity to realize that I was at a fork in the road that would steer the rest of my life. Was this turn of events to be a cause of ongoing self-pity? Or would losing my leg become an ongoing source of challenge and accomplishment? God gave me the grace to choose the latter.

My leg was amputated 32 years ago. In January of this year I completed my first triathlon. Then another in April. Sure I finished toward the bottom of the pack. But I won the self-proclaimed physically-challenged division (yes, I was the only member). I’ll never forget the pleasure as I walked to my car with the “certificate of completion” in hand. Last week, while out on a training ride, I met a man who caught up to me and said, “I’ve never met you before but you are my hero. All of my friends are giving up cycling for one reason or another but seeing you out here really inspires me.” "How often does a guy get to hear that?" I thought to myself. Just as I had suspected 32 years ago, losing a limb has been a life-long challenge full of satisfaction.

Why am I talking about my physical challenges here? Because they have become a blueprint for how I view same-sex attraction. Will I descend into self-pity and constantly grumble about how hard and unfair it is? Yes it is hard and unfair. I am not suggesting that anyone deny reality or stuff the grief, anger and shame that he might experience. But there is a lot to be said for a positive attitude.

Most men get handed their masculine identity and don’t even realize what a gift they have been given. Like many other men, however, I have scratched and clawed and fought and prayed to obtain it. We've paid $$$ to go on masculine development weekends in other states. We've read books, pursued counseling and coaching, taken part in groups etc, etc, all to obtain our precious freedom and masculinity. What great value these things are in our hearts when we find them! What joy comes from a breakthrough of freedom or a rush of masculine strength!!

So I will enjoy this journey and wring every drop of satisfaction from it that I can. It has packed my life with purpose and it is making me into the man that I want to be.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9