Benefits of Physical Contact

It might be suprising to many readers that healthy physical contact with other men can be a powerful healing experience to men who struggle with same-sex attraction. Why this is true takes a little bit of explanation, but first let me take a stab at why I think that this is so unexpected to those who don't struggle first-hand.

Just guessing, but many men view same-sex attraction through the grid of their opposite-sex attraction. They view it, understandably I suppose, as a "lust" issue. They are well-acquainted with their own problem with lust, and their solution is to "not go near" anything or anyone that could trigger sexual desires in their hearts. So, unless you are on the path to marriage with a woman, you keep a safe distance physically.

But same-sex attraction is not the flip-side of opposite-sex attraction. Something deeper and more complex is going on. Consider this quote by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi:

“Homosexuality is an alienation from males – in infancy from father, and in later life from male peers. By eroticizing what he feels disenfranchised from, the homosexual man is still seeking this initiation into manhood through other males.”

Same-sex attracted men long for what they missed out on growing up. In a nutshell, it is the bonding that boys experience with men and peers. And some of this bonding occurs in the process of physical touch.

Of course I am referring to healthy physical touch that is not sexual.

My friend Jacob, who is working through same-sex attraction provided this report after roughhousing with some of his college buddies:

This is so ironic. I never thought physical intimacy would be the healer. I always saw it as something to be avoided, because I thought it would only increase the temptation to lust. But somehow it's having the opposite effect. And the part that really intrigues me is that only a few months ago, if I would have gotten into a friendly physical combat match like that, it would have been an automatic red flag. I don't know about you, Dave, but I think I see God's fingerprints all over this sudden shift.

Along with a "friendly combat match" with one of his roommates, Jacob had this camping trip experience:

The camping trip was awesome! . . . Actually, the camping trip is where my victories began. All the guys slept in one tent; I believe there were six of us. Because the tent wasn't exactly large, we all had to lie right next to each other. . . . The first night we were there, all the guys were huddled together in the men's tent. . . . It was then that I realized something: physical intimacy with other men, although it made me very happy, does NOT bring me the sexual gratification that I thought it would.

The Lord binds up the brokenness of His people. Isaiah 30:26

More than a light fixture

For 18 years, our house has had a chandelier, which one visitor described as "feminine". I dismissed the comment at first but eventually saw the light (sorry) and decided it should go. We are a household of men, afterall.

I found one on clearance at Home Depot (where men buy light fixtures). It seemed to fit the house so today we did the installation.

Once again, it was more difficult than the directions let on. This time it was Adam who helped me to think through the problems. It truly looked like it wasn't going to happen at several points. The connecting bolt was too long for our box (we took a hack saw to it). The instructions were less than worthless, so we proceeded by instinct. I told Adam that the obstacles were what make it fun and I really meant it.

(One more lesson I have learned about the man's world of tools is this: a man keeps his tools organized and ready to use. The retractable knife, for example, is kept in a certain place and he doesn't have to run all over the house looking for it.)

So a feminine thing has been replaced with a masculine thing. This is the same work that I desire for God to be doing in my soul. Not that there is anything wrong with the feminine, of course. But God has created me male, and called me to glorify Him in masculine ways. As I grow in the masculine, God is glorified, I am satisfied, and the wrong longings for masculinity fade away.

.

Behold, I make all things new. Revelation 21:5

10K in the Rain

I got in a few hours ago from the longest run of my life. Seven miles in the rain around White Bear Lake with Cale, my prosthetist. It was my first run in the rain, but nothing new for Cale, who said that he often trained in rain as a reservist. It wasn't a hard rain, and I didn't mind at all. (Next time, however, I'll know better how to dress for the rain. I really overdid it.)

The value of training with another man is starting to become clear to me. Today, for example, the rain might have been enough to keep me off the trail. But Cale wasn't backing out so I wasn't going to either. I also had some significant leg pain after mile five (and I was getting tired). Had I been alone, I might have stopped. No, I would have stopped! But Cale and I had a great conversation going and I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and before long, we were back at the marina where we started.

And as far as masculine development goes, training with other men is of tremendous value. Whatever the endeavor, other men will push you to go harder and farther. They will teach you the best techniques and new exercises. They will watch your form and point out when you need to improve. As you sharpen your skills, you will do the same for them. Whenever I can, now, I train with another guy.

Iron sharpens iron,and one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

A Battle to Fight

I'm always keeping an eye open for the spirit of manhood and saw it last night at the ballpark. I went to a Minnesota Twins game and the opposing team hit a home run over the fence into the bleachers. The ball landed in some empty seats and two men went after it. For one of them, it meant jumping onto the row of seats (with arm rests), ribs first. The two grown men wrestled each other over the ball for about 30 seconds. When one of them came up with it, he held it up victoriously.

Then, egged on by the crowd, he threw it back into the outfield.

As John Eldgredge has said, men need a battle to fight. They will find one, even if it is over a $3 baseball.

Men do well to understand this about themselves. It is a spirit that God has put in them for a good purpose. Of course, like any gift from God, it can be misused. But it is meant to be used and we are to seek God's guidance over what battle He has chosen for us to fight. (Hint: It probably isn't over a baseball hit into the stands.)

So men, choose your battles wisely. But definitely battle. Don't bury this spirit that God has especially weaved into your nature. There are many worthy battles to fight. If you are a Christian, you are in the midst of a great spiritual battle. Don't be unaware or inattentive lest you suffer an unexpected blow.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness . . . Eph 6:12

A Man and His Tools

My Uncle Loyd had a cabin deep in the mountains of Colorado. Getting to it entailed driving 15 miles on a dirt road. There was a pristine lake not far away that fed a stream, which ran through the property. I drank from the stream when no one was looking. Best water I've ever had.

The cabin was the source of many great memories for our family. It is where I learned to play (and love) croquet. On our visits there we would explore the woods, play all sorts of games, cook popcorn on the stove, build fires, fish, visit Uncle Martin down the road, and eat tremendous meals.

The nearest public electricity and water sources were 25 miles away. Somehow my uncle constructed his own power plant. I'm still not sure how he did it. But the cabin had complete electrical service, along with running water, hot and cold.

I can still remeber his big garage at the cabin. It rarely contained a vehicle -- rather it was filled with tools and everything needed to keep the cabin and the jeep operating. Even now I smell the cans of gasoline and oil that sat on the shelves. There were jars containing a hodge-podge of screws and bolts, boxes of nails, many saws, axes, hammers, mowers, and rags. Two very old Kansas license plants hung on the wall for decoration.

You may have read elsewhere on this blog of the need for same-sex attracted men to associate with masculine things as part of their growth out of SSA. One way to do this is to enter the world of tools.

This will be different for every reader. But most of us possess something that needs to be repaired, whether it be a bicycle, a vehicle, or a house.


Personally, I have gotten a lot of satisfaction in constructing a work room in the basement. I purchased pegboard and have hung tools. With Trent's help I built some shelves and Aaron and I resurfaced and painted the bench. It is a room that I hope to spend a lot of time in as the years go by. And, just like my uncle's garage, there is a very old license plate hung for decoration.

"You have an abundance of workmen: stonecutters, masons, carpenters, and all kinds of craftsmen . . . Arise and work! The Lord be with you!" 1 Chron 22:15-16

Ceiling Fans and Perseverance

It was called the Quick-Connect ceiling fan. "Connects in minutes", the box said, with only the use of a few handtools. I was skeptical, and, as it turned out, with very good reason.

Connecting in minutes is realistic under ideal circumstances. But our 82 year-old house had an 82 year-old electrical box holding the wiring for the old fan. Then there was a drywall ceiling attached to the plaster ceiling so that the box was recessed into the drywall by at least an inch. Attaching the new fan to the old box was impossible.

To be completely honest, I was ready to make a phone call to the electrician. But Paul, my friend who volunteered to help me, was undaunted. Paul, dear brother, I couldn't have done it without you.

After two trips to the Home Depot, several conversations with their staff, three trips to the corner hardware store for just the right screw, and hours (not minutes) of tinkering with the connection, the fan is now cooling the living room. It is a sight to behold.

I am writing about it here, because the victorious house project is one of the building blocks to manliness. Paul and I worked together for hours. We were nearly stumped several times over what type of junction box to use, how to securely attach it to the existing box (or to replace the old one altogether), what bolts and screws would do the job, and how to interpret the instructions.

Calling the electrician would not have been an utter defeat. We don't have to feel like we have summon the manliness to tackle every project that comes our way.

But I'm glad that I didn't. Now, each time I look at that fan, I am reminded that Paul and I (with God's help as always) conquered the ceiling fan.

"My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth." Psalm 121:2

Manhood at the University of Minnesota and the House of Commons

As I write this afternoon, I am at Wilson Library at the University looking out across the plaza. People walk, cycle, and "blade" to their next class or appointment. Like some others here at the library, I watch them between keystrokes and paragraphs.

I see students and faculty, visitors and administrators, men and women. Some of the men look like they might be athletes; others are clearly not athletes at all.

But what an error I would be making were I to “measure a man” by his physical appearance!

Two days ago I finished Amazing Grace, the biography of William Wilberforce. If you are unfamiliar with him, he led the fight in Parliament to abolish the slave trade. The man was a true warrior. Though he never wielded a sword or a pistol, he confronted the evil practice of rounding up Africans and shipping them to the West Indies to labor on a plantation. If they survived the trip, the slaves faced a life full of difficulties that are beyond my comprehension. Amid death threats and great opposition, Wilberforce and the abolitionists prevailed, though the political battle lasted decades.

The author provided a brief physical description of Wilberforce early in the book:

“Wilberforce was universally described as tiny and stood just over five feet tall with a child-sized torso. His chest was measured in later years at thirty-three inches.” (p. 43)

This “tiny” man was a spiritual and political giant who led the fight to secure the personal freedom of hundreds of thousands of slaves. I’ll say it again – what an error we make when we measure a man by what we see on the outside!

How, then, do we esteem the physical strength of a man? There is a certain glory to it, is there not? "The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their gray hair." (Proverbs 20:29) But what a fleeting glory it is! And how trivial in the sight of God! Recall what God said to Samuel when he was selecting a king:

“Do not look on his appearance or the height of his stature . . . For the Lord sees not as man sees; man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

Think about that, next time you overlook the plaza at a University.

His delight is not in the strength of the horse, nor is his pleasure in the legs of a man. Psalm 147:10

Rich's Barbershop

If you are serious about overcoming SSA, you’ve probably learned that you need to gradually chase every remnant of defensive detachment from masculine things out of your system. We need to do what men do and go where men go. A big step in this regard for me was becoming a customer at Rich’s barbershop.

For years I went to the local franchise of a hair salon to get my hair cut. The salon had a staff consisting entirely of women and one very unmasculine man. As I sat in the chair, five feet to the left a woman was giving another woman a style-cut, all the while talking about highlights and styling gels. In the waiting area are magazines like People and Intouch and books of hairstyles.

What on earth was I thinking?

Less than half a block away is a barbershop. Rich is the owner and sole barber. The place doesn’t have a name. I don’t think that it has ever been redecorated and none of the patrons care. There are all sorts of interesting things on the wall, like picture postcards, yellowed business cards, pictures of people and comic strips. No credit cards are accepted; but if you’re short on cash, Rich will just tell you to catch him next time.


Along with the giant barber chair, three old-fashioned theatre chairs face the barber. There is one conversation in this tiny shop. Rich considers the place a man-refuge of sorts. During one haircut, we all talked about using boilers versus forced-air furnaces to heat homes. (Remember, I live in Minnesota.) I think that Rich can carry on a conversation with any man about any topic. At the end of the haircut, Rich lathers your neck with hot foam and then pulls out the sharp razor. It is the best part (no pun intended) of the treatment. I always look forward to the visit.


You might be saying, “It’s only a haircut, Dave.” Yes, that's true. But for me it is enormously symbolic. When I was a kid, I used to go to the barbershop with my dad. It was a man’s world. We would go on Saturday afternoon and there was a game on the TV and Car and Driver and Field and Stream in the magazine rack.


Then somewhere along the line it was decided that I wasn’t getting a good haircut there. I must have been about 13. My mom found a “stylist” and brought me to her. I was out of the man’s world and into a salon and I didn’t protest.



It took me a few decades, but I made it back to the barbershop.


Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. 1 Corinthians 16:13