One of the helpful processes that I have learned from Rich at People Can Change is that of reframing. Men struggling with SSA would do well to practice this process with their coaches and build it into their daily lives. Implementing it will bring you significant benefits by diffusing some of the attractions that could otherwise knock you over.
In this post, let's consider his step 1.
You are at Chipotle and a man ahead of you in line captures your attention. In a split second your thoughts get carried away and you know that you are struggling. If you don't embrace another line of thinking, you could get carried away to a bad place.
Your first inclination might be to stop looking or to find a seat that faces the corrugated sheet metal on the wall. Sure, you could do that, but there will be another guy that could catch your eye as you walk out of the place.
Rich offers a far better suggestion that will cause you to grow. Get a grip on your thoughts and determine what is going on in your head. Begin by splitting off the sexual component of your thinking. Set that aside, look at him and "find the story". What are you telling yourself about him and yourself at that moment? This is an opportunity to hone your thinking and bring it under control.
There will more than likely be some sort of comparison going on. He is stronger or bigger; quicker or leaner. He is more important or successful; more rugged or adventurous. He is younger or carefree; he is more steady, confident and happy. He has more hair, it is less gray, or a fuller beard. As you can tell, the comparison could be on any basis. Determine the story running through your head, then you can know how to address your thinking.
Rich suggests that you zero in on your feelings at this point. Feeling can be difficult for some SSA men if feeling only resulted in sadness and frustration growing up. He mentions some possible emotions that might be emerging: envy, loneliness, sadness, or shame. We will deal with the important topic of dealing with emotions in subsequent posts.
This is step 1. You have discerned what you are thinking and feeling. Your next reflex must be to move on to step 2: processing
In this post, let's consider his step 1.
You are at Chipotle and a man ahead of you in line captures your attention. In a split second your thoughts get carried away and you know that you are struggling. If you don't embrace another line of thinking, you could get carried away to a bad place.
Your first inclination might be to stop looking or to find a seat that faces the corrugated sheet metal on the wall. Sure, you could do that, but there will be another guy that could catch your eye as you walk out of the place.
Rich offers a far better suggestion that will cause you to grow. Get a grip on your thoughts and determine what is going on in your head. Begin by splitting off the sexual component of your thinking. Set that aside, look at him and "find the story". What are you telling yourself about him and yourself at that moment? This is an opportunity to hone your thinking and bring it under control.
There will more than likely be some sort of comparison going on. He is stronger or bigger; quicker or leaner. He is more important or successful; more rugged or adventurous. He is younger or carefree; he is more steady, confident and happy. He has more hair, it is less gray, or a fuller beard. As you can tell, the comparison could be on any basis. Determine the story running through your head, then you can know how to address your thinking.
Rich suggests that you zero in on your feelings at this point. Feeling can be difficult for some SSA men if feeling only resulted in sadness and frustration growing up. He mentions some possible emotions that might be emerging: envy, loneliness, sadness, or shame. We will deal with the important topic of dealing with emotions in subsequent posts.
This is step 1. You have discerned what you are thinking and feeling. Your next reflex must be to move on to step 2: processing
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Psalm 139:23
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