Just guessing, but many men view same-sex attraction through the grid of their opposite-sex attraction. They view it, understandably I suppose, as a "lust" issue. They are well-acquainted with their own problem with lust, and their solution is to "not go near" anything or anyone that could trigger sexual desires in their hearts. So, unless you are on the path to marriage with a woman, you keep a safe distance physically.
But same-sex attraction is not the flip-side of opposite-sex attraction. Something deeper and more complex is going on. Consider this quote by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi:
“Homosexuality is an alienation from males – in infancy from father, and in later life from male peers. By eroticizing what he feels disenfranchised from, the homosexual man is still seeking this initiation into manhood through other males.”
Same-sex attracted men long for what they missed out on growing up. In a nutshell, it is the bonding that boys experience with men and peers. And some of this bonding occurs in the process of physical touch.
Of course I am referring to healthy physical touch that is not sexual.
My friend Jacob, who is working through same-sex attraction provided this report after roughhousing with some of his college buddies:
This is so ironic. I never thought physical intimacy would be the healer. I always saw it as something to be avoided, because I thought it would only increase the temptation to lust. But somehow it's having the opposite effect. And the part that really intrigues me is that only a few months ago, if I would have gotten into a friendly physical combat match like that, it would have been an automatic red flag. I don't know about you, Dave, but I think I see God's fingerprints all over this sudden shift.
Along with a "friendly combat match" with one of his roommates, Jacob had this camping trip experience:
The camping trip was awesome! . . . Actually, the camping trip is where my victories began. All the guys slept in one tent; I believe there were six of us. Because the tent wasn't exactly large, we all had to lie right next to each other. . . . The first night we were there, all the guys were huddled together in the men's tent. . . . It was then that I realized something: physical intimacy with other men, although it made me very happy, does NOT bring me the sexual gratification that I thought it would.The Lord binds up the brokenness of His people. Isaiah 30:26
2 comments:
I have had the same experience. However, I am finding that if male intimacy has been sexualized, there is a need to put some behavioral measures against acting out (masturbation, fantasy) on the physical contact received from other men. In other words, if a person has associated male physical closeness with sexual feelings, some work needs to be done to decrease that association. I believe it can be done. I am experiencing it myself.
Well said, TCM, and glad to hear you are experiencing healthy touch. In my friend's situation, he was in a crowded tent with his friends (this is no big deal to the college-aged). It was a healthy-touch home-run.
Along with decreasing the association which you described, precautions should be taken when pursuing healthy touch with a man who has an SSA background . . . which could be the subject of another post.
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