Taking the first exit (Part 3)

The "Part 3" above probably tipped you off to the fact that this is third in a series. Part 1 is intended to explain the importance of having an "off-ramp" strategy when temptations for a sexual escape hit. Part 2 contains some suggestions to men who would like to develop such a strategy for themselves. This post is written to men who are coming alongside a man who is feeling the urge to act on an impulse.

To be asked to assist a man in overcoming an addictive pattern is nothing less than an honor. Asking you to help him in his time of need is an indication of great trust. He trusts that you will keep his difficulties confidential. He trusts that you will be a source of the encouragement and strength that he needs when he calls. He has opened himself up to you and admitted that he needs help. It is a significant role and you should be honored to have been asked.

The man who has called you is on the road to some sort of sexual escape. The escape he is contemplating will leave him with guilt and shame. And it will whet his appetite for more. Depending on his path, the escape could entangle him in a destructive relationship and even jeopardize his physical health. His spiritual health will be marred as well.

He has several needs when he calls. Do you know what they are?

Feel free to ask him in advance. I've found, however, that at this moment the man needs a mixture of these things: comfort, strength, connection to another person.

That's all. Sexual escapes provide counterfeit of each and leave a man wounded. You can provide something real and help him off the destructive highway that he is on.

Don't be concerned that you may not have the right words. You're not there to do counseling or to help him figure it out. Encourage. Listen. Come alongside. Help him through this rough patch so that he will make a good decision right now.

I hope that this is helpful, reader. God bless you as you help men persevere and grow. I'd love to hear how it goes as you come alongside a struggling man. Feel free to correspond with me or leave a comment.

What is desired in a man is steadfast love. Proverbs 19:22

Taking the first exit (part 2)

In Part 1, I explained about the need for men with addictive behavior patterns, specifically escapes that are sexual in nature, to have an off-ramp strategy to head-off a destructive fall. This is not exactly a new idea. But I've seen few concrete suggestions for men to implement this strategy so that it is an effective tool in fighting addictive behaviors. In Part 3, I have suggestions for men on the receiving end of the telephone call.

Select 3 guys

Maybe more than three if you'd like. Choose carefully and look for men who will be understanding when you call. The type who will offer you encouragement and not a reprimand. "What is desired in a man is steadfast love," the Proverbs say. He needn't be one of your closest friends. But he must be generally reachable and he must be understanding when it comes to sexual sin. His values need to line up with yours; that is, that sexual escapes are unhealthy and wrong. He must be able to be trusted with the information that you will share with him.

Explain to the man your need

Here is a suggestion:

Hey, Bruce, I'd like to ask a favor of you . . . something that you'll hold in confidence between just you and me. Every now and then I have fallen into some sexual escapes -- nothing I much want to do or am proud of -- and am working with a coach to break the habit. I was wondering if you would be willing to be someone I could give a quick call to when I feel the cycle start to begin. We don't need to get into what's going on when I call -- I just need to briefly connect with a friend, let him know what's going on and get some encouragement and prayer support. It's not a lifetime commitment -- just for the next few months as I make some progress and break the pattern. Would you be willing to help me?

There is no need to get into the specifics of your temptations.

It might seem like a tough request to make. But likely the man will feel honored that you trust him with your struggle and admire your doing what you need to do to overcome it.

Follow through

Set up some trigger points for yourself. "I'll call Tony, Roger, and Stuart if I ________" (start driving downtown, pick up the phone to call so-and-so, start a dangerous internet search, etc). Once you hit the trigger point, make the calls. If there is no answer, leave a message with a request to talk later.

I suggest keeping the call brief but completely honest.

Don't be afraid to ask for what you need to exit the sexual escape highway. "Wayne, can I call you in 45 minutes to assure that I drive straight home?" or, "Can I send you an email about how I spent the rest of the day? I really need to process what happened to me at work today."

Remember

Remember that a sexual escape is worthless. Yes, your heart will race and you'll be distracted from your emotional trouble. But it will leave you with a mixture of shame, guilt, and desire that won't go easily or quickly.

Save yourself all of that. Develop an off-ramp strategy and use it.

. . . if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use. 2 Timothy 2:21

Taking the first exit (Part 1)

Many have made the observation that a sexual escape is the culmination of a sequence of events. Men are often set up for temptation initially by a disappointing event. A sense of discouragement and defeat follows. Surely, the devil is an opportunist (Luke 4:13).

Dr. Joseph Nicolosi has pointed out that, as a men progress down this path, they are "not feeling" and "not dealing". The emotions that the event has triggered are difficult to deal with, and to push the emotions out of their heads they start down a path of sexual escape. As Nicolosi has explained, they begin a dialogue with themselves . . . "I want to act out . . . I shouldn't act out . . . I want to . . . I shouldn't".

This is a familiar scenario to men who have found themselves on this path. There is a fight going on in their souls and it is a fight that they often loose.

True enough, it is ideal to identify and wage this mind battle as early in the process as possible. But renewing the mind is a long process. It takes time (yep, I'm talking months and years) to tune in to our patterns of thinking and feeling and escaping.

In the mean time, I am coaching the men who struggle with addictive sexual escapes to have an "off-ramp" strategy. The strategy involves having three men to call when they begin to sense that they are on the sexual escape super highway. Having an off-ramp strategy is not a substitute for their ongoing mind-renewing work that they are doing with their counselors and coaches. But the off-ramp strategy can spare the man from the debilitating effects of a sexual failure, big or small.



The off-ramp is so important, that I urge men to spend time carefully developing their strategy. In the following posts, I offer suggestions to men who are trying to stop addictive behaviors (Part 2) and to the men who will be supporting them (Part 3).

. . . flee youthful passions. 2 Timothy 2:22

More than a light fixture

For 18 years, our house has had a chandelier, which one visitor described as "feminine". I dismissed the comment at first but eventually saw the light (sorry) and decided it should go. We are a household of men, afterall.

I found one on clearance at Home Depot (where men buy light fixtures). It seemed to fit the house so today we did the installation.

Once again, it was more difficult than the directions let on. This time it was Adam who helped me to think through the problems. It truly looked like it wasn't going to happen at several points. The connecting bolt was too long for our box (we took a hack saw to it). The instructions were less than worthless, so we proceeded by instinct. I told Adam that the obstacles were what make it fun and I really meant it.

(One more lesson I have learned about the man's world of tools is this: a man keeps his tools organized and ready to use. The retractable knife, for example, is kept in a certain place and he doesn't have to run all over the house looking for it.)

So a feminine thing has been replaced with a masculine thing. This is the same work that I desire for God to be doing in my soul. Not that there is anything wrong with the feminine, of course. But God has created me male, and called me to glorify Him in masculine ways. As I grow in the masculine, God is glorified, I am satisfied, and the wrong longings for masculinity fade away.

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Behold, I make all things new. Revelation 21:5

10K in the Rain

I got in a few hours ago from the longest run of my life. Seven miles in the rain around White Bear Lake with Cale, my prosthetist. It was my first run in the rain, but nothing new for Cale, who said that he often trained in rain as a reservist. It wasn't a hard rain, and I didn't mind at all. (Next time, however, I'll know better how to dress for the rain. I really overdid it.)

The value of training with another man is starting to become clear to me. Today, for example, the rain might have been enough to keep me off the trail. But Cale wasn't backing out so I wasn't going to either. I also had some significant leg pain after mile five (and I was getting tired). Had I been alone, I might have stopped. No, I would have stopped! But Cale and I had a great conversation going and I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and before long, we were back at the marina where we started.

And as far as masculine development goes, training with other men is of tremendous value. Whatever the endeavor, other men will push you to go harder and farther. They will teach you the best techniques and new exercises. They will watch your form and point out when you need to improve. As you sharpen your skills, you will do the same for them. Whenever I can, now, I train with another guy.

Iron sharpens iron,and one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

Disclosure is opening your heart

I noted in an earlier blogpost that I am on a journey of disclosure. I am learning that there is real joy and pleasure in opening up to others about my journey out of same-sex attraction. It is a risk as you might imagine. But there has always been a reward. My relationship with the person that I have disclosed to has always deepened.

So this quotation from Maria Edgeworth captured my attention today:

“The human heart, at whatever age, opens to the heart that opens in return."

When I disclose, the hearer's heart opens in return.

There is one more thing that I have noticed. When my heart opens to others, it opens to God as well. The Spirit of God comes rushing in at that moment . . . I draw on His strength as I disclose the nature of my journey. He opens the heart of the listener, through whom I almost always receive grace.

I can say that I have experienced the opposite as well. I have closed my heart by holding on to anger, suspicion, and bitterness, then wondered what happened to the sense of God's presence that I used to have.

This might be the point of Jesus' teaching in Matthew 5: "So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (v 23-24). God commands us to attend to the problem in our hearts with a brother before we pursue communion with Him. Maybe he won't share a heart with anger and discord.

May we strive for open hearts. With our fellow man and with God. And may we then experience the joy having others open their hearts before us.

We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians; our heart is wide open. 2 Corinthians 6:11

A Battle to Fight

I'm always keeping an eye open for the spirit of manhood and saw it last night at the ballpark. I went to a Minnesota Twins game and the opposing team hit a home run over the fence into the bleachers. The ball landed in some empty seats and two men went after it. For one of them, it meant jumping onto the row of seats (with arm rests), ribs first. The two grown men wrestled each other over the ball for about 30 seconds. When one of them came up with it, he held it up victoriously.

Then, egged on by the crowd, he threw it back into the outfield.

As John Eldgredge has said, men need a battle to fight. They will find one, even if it is over a $3 baseball.

Men do well to understand this about themselves. It is a spirit that God has put in them for a good purpose. Of course, like any gift from God, it can be misused. But it is meant to be used and we are to seek God's guidance over what battle He has chosen for us to fight. (Hint: It probably isn't over a baseball hit into the stands.)

So men, choose your battles wisely. But definitely battle. Don't bury this spirit that God has especially weaved into your nature. There are many worthy battles to fight. If you are a Christian, you are in the midst of a great spiritual battle. Don't be unaware or inattentive lest you suffer an unexpected blow.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness . . . Eph 6:12