The New Me and the New Yew

The transformation that I've experienced manifests itself in all kinds of ways. One of them is that I now enjoy a day of challenging physical work.

Today, I took on two trees that needed to be taken out of the front yard. They were "yews" that had gotten old and scraggly and had overgrown the space. Last week I decided they were coming out. Most of the branches were gone and today the stumps were to come out.

Removing a stump it not a simple task. The stump is held in place by a network of hidden roots that extend deep into the ground. I brought out the spade, the axe, the pruner, and the trowel. First I used the spade to dig around the base as much as I could. Then I used the pruner to cut the smaller roots. The large ones needed to chopped with an axe. Then I tried to loosen it by pushing and pulling with all my strength. There was a satisfying cracking sound as the tree came loose. Back to the pruner to clip the newly exposed roots. After a lot of effort, I was hoisting the uprooted tree out of the ground and dragging it to the backyard.

The reason that I give a play-by-play of the stump removal is that it brought to mind the journey into manhood. A dysfunctional masculine identity took root in my soul. Getting it out was an arduous task -- as a matter of fact it took many years. And it took all kinds of indispensable tools -- men's weekends, Christian disciplines, many books, small groups, one-on-one counsel, doing what men do, relationships, etc.

Then suddenly, I was dragging away this "dead tree". My flawed masculine identity is gone. A new, healthy, bright green tree is in it's place, bursting forth new growth!

What satisfaction! After years of chopping and digging and pruning and pushing and pulling, the old tree has given way. It took all that I had. But it was all worth it!

I can't help but feel some pity for those who gave up the struggle. Oh, there are so many. They decided it was too hard and that they could never change. What a glorious life journey they have missed out on! I wouldn't trade places with them for anything.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

My Tribute to Trent

Dear Trent,

What an honor it was to stand up for you at your wedding two weeks ago. The whole experience -- bachelor party, rehearsal dinner, wedding day -- was pure fun. I really enjoyed meeting Gary and Sarah, Hadley and Clara, your grandparents, other friends, and seeing your mom and dad again.

I didn't make it to the mic for the reception tribute. But you have always been a special friend of mine and a tribute for you has been brewing in my soul ever since.

Our first meeting was at the train station in St. Paul, bright and early Easter morning of 2006. You were relocating from Seattle and made arrangements to live with us sight unseen. I pulled my Jeep up to a tall smiling 20 year-old. You gave me a big hug and we threw your bags and bike in back.

One of the cool things about being friends with you is that I end up doing things that I would not otherwise do. You bring out a part of me that I like very much. You pulled me into your adventures. Here is a sample of some of them I found myself on:

• A borderline insane 60 mile bike ride to Stillwater on Memorial Day in 96 degree temps. We were practically the only ones on the trail and promptly came home and collapsed.


• Mountain biking on Lutsen with me on a hybrid. Somehow I didn't crash, but it was a fun afternoon with you and Aaron on Minnesota's highest peak.


• Many, many wrestling matches. They are still talked about here at the house. I just never mention who won them.


• All kinds of sports. We started running in the fall, lifted weights in the basement, bought a punching bag, had punching contests, push up contests, and arm-wrestled.

I am thankful for you, brother. You are manly, passionate and adventurous. You have an inspiring faith and I am truly blessed to know you. If there is ever a way that I can be a friend to you, don't hesitate to call. God's blessings on your new life with Katy.

Dave O

Memory Lane

I've been walking down the memory lane lately. But not in the way you might think. With a trusted professional, Johnben, I am walking down the streets in the neighborhood of my childhood and reliving some of my most difficult days.

I've gone back to Teller Street. Then to Marshall. I've stood alongside my 13-year-old self as his world fell apart. Friends that he thought were . . . well, friends . . . became attackers. Boys that I had known since I had started school . . . who I had shared so much of life with, became as mean as enemies. It is time to go back to the old neighborhood and think over some of the messages that stuck to me during those days.

As I talked with Johnben this afternoon, I was able to "reprocess" some of these events (with a technique I'll explain at a later time). The goal is to have these memories decrease in their capacity to bring pain, shame and discomfort. I told Johnben that as a result of talking it through, the painfulness decreased from a "7" (on a scale of 1 to 10) to a "3 or 4". What a difference.

With adult eyes, and no doubt the aid of the Holy Spirit, I saw a handful of boys thrown into the 8th grade world of sexuality.

Without any warning to me, the parties of my schoolmates became "make-out parties". It seems odd as I type it on the keyboard. You go to a party, somehow connect with someone of the opposite sex and then makeout in a dark back room of the house. At my first party, I was completely taken by surprise. I have a vague memory of someone explaining to me about the whole back room thing, and of getting pulled into a spin-the-bottle circle.

As I write these words, I think of my sweet little niece who just turned 13. That kids her age were being sexual at my school seems twisted. My, what a bizarre culture it was in my junior high school.

Surely my mom and dad had no idea about these parties. Surely they would have prepared me, or, far better, channeled me toward friends that had moral standards. But we were all together naive, unchurched, spiritually dead, foolishly uninformed.

I wasn't ready for it all. I was young for my grade, and I don't think that my sex drive had even arrived when the makeout parties started.

An aside . . . what a gift and a help to have a Christian upbringing. Without church involvement, I defaulted into the creepy culture that I've been describing.

In summarizing our discussion, I told Johnben that, as I relived some of those tough days, I thought more about the other boys -- the instigators -- than I did about myself. I thought about M, now a Christian and a godly man. On several occasions, he has expressed regret over his actions in those days. P, went to a Christian college and was said to have been accumulating "notches on his bed post". His marriage a few years later lasted only a matter of months. I recall T boasting of his college sexual experiences. But much in his life these days reflect a deeply broken masculinity.

I've not only thought about these boys, but I have thought of their fathers. Now as an adult I see their flaws. Surely these men did nothing to speak truth into their young son's lives. The boys were swept into sexuality at 13 and suffered for it. Their lives, in one way or another, bear the scars.

Feeling good about feeling bad

Motivated by some friends who are getting married at my age, I decided I would test the dating waters another time. I reconnected with a woman who I had met years ago and was glad to learn that she wasn’t married. She, her roommate and I went to dinner and to an Easter drama a few weeks back. A couple of days later we all went to church together. A few days later I asked her to a movie.

It was a very good evening. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it! After the movie we went out for dessert and had a good time talking. She said how much she enjoyed the evening and, as I dropped her off, I asked if she would like to get together again. She said yes.

The next Tuesday, I initiated another date. I didn’t hear back for a few days, which seemed strange. When she finally responded, she said that she would take a “rain check” because she had been busy and needed a night at home.

I was surprised again. I’ve decided to back off, at least for a short time. I’ll try asking her out once more, but the response “I need at night at home” isn’t exactly encouraging.

I didn’t expect the sadness that followed. True enough, I spent way too much time thinking about what the future might look like with her after one date. But the sadness in my heart brought me back to other relationships that didn’t work out for one reason of another. And those? Jim, Todd, Mike, Scott, etc. Back then, I ached when a relationship with a guy didn’t work out. Breaking up with a woman was always a relief. But when a friendship with a guy failed, it really hurt.

So, as sad as I was to think that things weren’t going to work out like I had imagined, I lied down that night with joy. “It’s all true,” I thought. Up until a few years ago, I doubted the possibility of real change. I had resolved to pursue restraint. But like other men, there is now a genuine longing in my heart for a woman, and, when the longing is dashed, it’s painful.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

God's pride and joy . . . and mine

I'm hoping that the clouds break up. In an hour, I'll be on the tee box for my first golf outing of the season. With me will be my long-time friend and baseball buddy, Andy. (Our trip to St. Louis is only weeks away!) Mark will be with us too.

My heart toward Mark was given words the last time we met. He was holding a cup of Caribou coffee and the cup's sleeve read, "You are holding our pride and joy".

When my eyes landed on the words, I knew that they meant something more to me than Caribou's feelings toward their product. Those words certaily described God's heart toward my friend. But they are mine toward him as well.

Mark and I met a couple of years ago when he called on me as a salesman. He had become a Christian only weeks earlier. I bought him a Bible and we started meeting every week or so to study the scriptures.

Mark soaks up the truth of the Word. In the past months, God has done a stunning work in this young man. Along with giving him a desire for truth, He has lead him into baptism and given him a lovely fiance. He is seeing God bless his work and relationships. He seeks God over his decisions.

The discipleship relationship that Mark and I have has helped me understand how the apostle Paul speaks of some of the people who he disciples. To the Thessalonians, he says, "you are our glory and joy." Of the Corinthians, he writes "you are in our hearts . . . I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort . . . I am overflowing with joy."

Which is how I feel about Mark . . . my glory and joy.

Men and Touch

Here is a post from "Growing Into Manhood", a blog I've linked on the left. The author comments on the cultural differences that exist throughout the world in how men relate. The link to the essay by Pat Repp (a therapist from these parts) about his relationships with men in Africa is well-worth the read.

Growth Into Manhood

The third national Exodus conference was held in my hometown (Lakewood, Colorado) in 1982. Still coming to terms with SSA in my own life at 22, I wasn't sure if I was ready to attend. But I was curious about the whole thing, snuck in late and sat near the back door in case I wanted to bolt. After the closing prayer many of the participants were socializing, but Alan Medinger spotted me alone by the door. He approached and asked what brought me to the conference. I remember little about the conversation, other than he was kind and encouraging and that he prayed for me.

So I had a positive experience with the author of Growth Into Manhood before I picked it up. But by the time I closed the cover, I concluded that it is the best book I've read on same-sex attraction. Reading it is one of most helpful things that a man with SSA can do for himself.

Medinger has been a pillar of the Exodus movement dating back to the 70's. He has been a ministry director in Baltimore, and can be called a leader among leaders. He had been in the ministry over 20 years when this book was written and it is filled with solid counsel from a Christian perspective. There is much wisdom and encouragement in these pages that many will find helpful in the journey.

In chapter 1, Medinger says that "homosexuality is at its core an identity problem." A man "feels empty in some place where he senses he should feel strong." The answer to the identity problem, he says, is growth. He chides Exodus ministries for focusing more on understanding and healing than on growing. This growth occurs by understanding the masculine (chapter 7), understanding what men do (chapter 8) and then doing what men do (chapter 9). The chapters on relating to women are an excellent help to the man ready breakthrough to a hetersexual relationship.

Hope from the Garden

If it is possible for a man to love a tree, I do.

The tree I’m referring to is the great red maple that covers the backyard like a grand canopy. It shades our patio from the hot summer sun with leaves that are as big as my hand. It is a playground for countless squirrels and has been a home to many a feathered creature. Sadly, the tree doctor gave a grim report a few years back that has me praying that I outlive my arboreal friend.

Each fall, we shred many, many leaves into a mulch that will feed the soil throughout the yard. Others are raked over the plantings to provide some protection from the biting winter cold. One of the spring jobs, then, is to take up the dead leaves from the garden so that it will receive full sun.

I was at this task a couple of weeks ago, thinking that my garden was some days away from emerging. I was wrong. When I raked the blanket of the leaves from the garden, I found hastas shooting out of the ground. Tiny green leaves were popping out of the branches of the rose bushes. Tender peony shoots were pushing aside last year’s dead stalks.

Growth was happening like crazy; I just couldn’t see it yet.

It has made me wonder if that is not sometimes the case with you and me. Day after day, we do the things we do to grow. We pursue our spiritual disciplines, spend time in the Word, and worship each Sunday. We work toward a healthy gender identity by pushing ourselves to do what men do and overcoming obstacles that held us back.

During the process, however, we might not see any real change in our hearts or in our identities. We feel like the same men we were a decade ago, falling into the same sins and setbacks. It is tempting to believe that nothing is changing in our hearts and that our efforts are producing nothing at all.

But it isn’t so, fellow believer! Though it might not meet the eye, you are changing. The nutrients that are being drawn into your heart and your masculine soul cannot help but be making you strong. Don’t be tempted to give up when you can’t yet see it! Who knows that there aren’t strong branches just below the surface, ready to be displayed in glory!

I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. 1 Cor 3:6

Dear J

Dear J,

Thanks for letting me know what is going on. I understand that the battle can get difficult sometimes and giving up looks attractive. As one who is some years down the road, I want to urge you not to. There are many reasons to persevere, and I'll mention a few here.

I was reminded about one of them this morning when I found this encouragement in my inbox. I think it will encourage you. There is the fulfillment of our hope in the not-too-distant future, and it will transform all of our suffering. The quote from C.S. Lewis that you'll find here might alone get you through some rough times.

One thing that has kept me from throwing in the towel is the knowledge of all that I would lose. I think you would agree that the battle against same-sex attraction is our cross. "And calling the crowd to Him with his disciples, He said to them, 'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.'" (Mark 8:34) If I won't bear my cross, I'll lose Jesus. Not only that, but I would lose all of the blessings and gifts that come from pursuing him. Think for a few minutes about all of the good things in your life because of Christ. Whatever good that the gay lifestyle has to offer (and trust me, it is less than you think) could not begin to compare to the life you have in the Lord.

Another encouragement that you need to count is your great capacity for change. From what I recall, you haven't been sexually active, so your propensity for change is especially great. When you walk down the path of romance and sexuality involving a man, it is all the more difficult to walk back and find what is true. This is not to say that God's mercy is limited and forgiveness will be harder to gain. What I'm talking about is the capacity for changed sexual desires. As one who has restrained himself you are much further ahead than one who has programmed his brain and body with powerful sexual experiences.

One more thing. That you can never have "masculinity, manhood, heterosexuality" is flat-out wrong. Your masculinity and growth into manhood (and then, very possibly, heterosexuality) has been delayed. The process got interrupted as it did for me. But this is not to say that it can't restart and continue. And it has been my experience that the growth into manhood has brought great satisfaction and even joy. Having lacked a sense of my masculinity for so many years has packed these recent years with satisfying experiences of manhood over and over. You desire manhood and heterosexuality. These are attainable to the man who seeks them.

You have made many good decisions along the way, young man. I'm proud of you for so many reasons and count you as one of God's gifts to me. Please persevere. There are thousands of men and women on this journey all over the world. And we are blessed in more ways than can be counted.

Your friend,

Dave O

Dear brother,

Thank you for letting me know what has happened. You will be in my prayers and I can certainly relate. It isn't hard for our troubles to lead us into some sort of failure. It has happened to me many many times.

I know the feeling of regret. This might be hard to follow but I both accept it and fight it. I accept it because I want it to do a work in my heart. "For Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret." Somehow grieving over opening up my soul to sin, whetting my appetite for it and disappointing my Father, can work in me to bring lasting change and eventual salvation. In this way I accept the regret and give thanks for it.

Along with that, I have to fight from being "overwhelmed by excessive sorrow" (2 Cor 2:7). I don't want regret to overshadow the truths that I rest my life on. I have been adopted by God as His son thanks to the work of Christ, and my failures do not cause Him to disown me. I have been justified by grace -- once for all -- and can rejoice in my salvation despite having failed Him. The blood of Christ has fully atoned for my sin, and I am as clean now as I was before things went south. Praise the Lord for His great love for us!! Failures provide me with an opportunity to marvel at God's unfailing love.

Yes, my brother, keep on fighting and don't let this fall dim your faith in the least. He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. I look forward to rejoicing with you on that day!

I'm looking forward to talking with you soon when your new phone arrives.

I'm with you all the way, hermano,

Dave O

Lesson from the Court Room

I've just returned from my first court appearance. As court appearances go, this was as straight-forward and simple as they come. I was a character witness and wasn't on the stand for long. I wasn't cross-examined.

While on the witness stand, I was struck by the opposing attorney. Everyone in the room was looking at me except for him. He was looking down and away the entire time. Was I a boring witness? Maybe. But I'm also wondering if it might have been intentional. If so, what was he attempting to withhold from me by looking away?

So it has me thinking about the good that can result from eye contact. When I look someone in the eye, I show respect. In a very small way, I show concern. A look in the eye -- perhaps for one on a witness stand -- can bring encouragement and strength.

Maybe lawyers learn this somewhere along the way.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Psalm 32:8

More About Coaching

Saturdays now mean getting out of the house before 8:00 for my swimming lesson. These have been very profitable half hours. As hoped, my front crawl has improved, but I have come a long way on the back stroke. I've even discovered how easy it is to tread water.

I am also gaining insight into the process of coaching. Usually, I am the coach. But in the pool, I am coached by Tom. On Sunday afternoons, I am coached by Grant. While taking in as much as I can from these men regarding technique, the coaching part of me is observing the process. What about the relationship is effective in my learning to be a better swimmer?

Today, for example, we worked on the "flip turn". The flip turn is a somersault in the water at the wall to quickly reverse direction. I've worked on it over and over but not mastered it. I've been close to giving up, but this morning I nearly broke through and here is how it happened.

Over several sessions, the coach has worked with me and I just wasn't getting it. Try coordinating your legs, chin, shoulders, and arms, while exhaling. But today the coach -- out of wisdom or exasperation, I am not sure which -- changed course and had me work on doing a "hand-stand" instead. That, with some practice, I could do! It built confidence to master a new task. And, I am half-way to the flip!

In the pool, I don't hesitate to ask to set the agenda. There are times when I am wanting to work on a certain stroke or discipline. I've never had the coach say "no". I'll interview him about it, ask him to demonstrate, and then suggest that he watch me and see what I'm doing wrong. At the end of class, sometimes I'll ask him to give me an assignment.

But as the coachee, I don't want to always lead. My coach, by virtue of his training and expertise, knows more. I need to accept and weigh his counsel. I want to make sure that he knows that his counsel and feedback is always welcome. Though he knows and I know that every decision is still mine.

Another valuable element of the coaching relationship is positive feedback. When the coach is impressed with something -- and I know that he means it -- it is immensely encouraging.

I also benefit most when I know that the coach enjoys the relationship. I've gotten the impression that both Grant and Tom enjoy our times together. I certainly do.

Grace at "Yellow Front"

Today is one of my favorite kind of day. Seven inches of snow fell yesterday and today is bright sunshine. The snow was brilliant and a fresh layer of pure white cover everything. I was reminded of a great verse from the book of Isaiah: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow (v. 18).

It is amazing to be forgiven of sin. Christians (alone) have this experience and it is hard for me to imagine life apart from the forgiveness of God.

God provided a great lesson for me on forgiveness at Yellow Front.

You haven't heard of Yellow Front. It was a little-known department store where I worked in high school. Think of Target, with about 10% of the inventory and square footage. We had a little bit of a lot of things, but not a real good selection of anything. Like Woolworths' (if you can remember that one) only not as classy. The logo -- if you could call it that -- must have taken 20 minutes to come up with.

I was a stock clerk and loved the job. One of my duties was the plant department. The plants were displayed on the end of an aisle. They had to be stocked promptly and watered.

The summer of 1977 was winding down and my departure to CU was nearing. I looked up in the stock room and saw a troubling sight: A box of plants that I had forgotten to stock. A good option at that time would have been to immediately pull the box off the shelf and see if they could be salvaged. I didn't do that. Instead, I tried to wait it out and hope that I would be gone before the box would be discovered.

That didn't work. On a walk-through with me on my last day, the store manager spotted the box. My last memory at Yellow Front involves standing at the loading dock with my manager, Bob Warner. We were going through the box, tossing plants into the dumpster one-by-one. I don't remember any indication of the anger that I deserved.

Three plants were salvageable and he gave them to me.

It was the opposite of what I had coming. I should have gotten chewed out and rebuked. A dock in my paycheck would have been defensible. Instead, I drove away with three plants. They went with me to my dorm room and were a reminder of Bob's kindness and my experience at Yellow Front.

The gift of the plants is now one of my greatest life lessons on grace. Grace is being given good things despite doing bad things. Grace comes from God to me every day. Despite having sinned in many ways -- more than I can count or am aware of -- He has given me salvation and His Holy Spirit and friends and work and blessing upon blessing.

The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. II Cor 13:14

Sad Day for Denver

It is odd to think that this could even happen. Today was a blunt reminder of the changing times as the Rocky Mountain News, a daily part of my growing up, has ceased publication. I loved the "tabloid" format, meaning that it opened more like a magazine than typical newspaper. I read it every day at the breakfast table (yes, it was mainly the sports and the comics). Even now, on my trips back to Denver I would look forward to sitting down with the RMN and catching up. I'll miss it.

Back in the swim

I took swimming lessons as a five-year-old at Morse Park in Lakewood, then again at a club where my dad knew the pool manager. My mom laughs that she would watch me attempt to do the back float and gradually sink beneath the surface of the water. I don't remember much about the lessons other than not looking forward to them and I can't remember why. Maybe it had something to do with the aforementioned back float.

In college I discovered swimming as exercise. The University of Colorado rec center had a south-facing wall of glass that overlooked the mountains. The 90 minutes I had between my first and second class were enough time to head to the pool and swim laps. As the morning sun streamed in and with the Flat Irons in full view, I gained the satisfaction of a mile swim.

It has only been a few years since I took it up again. Though it had been decades, somehow my old stroke was still with me, even though my 19-year-old body is long gone. The pool at the Y is not as scenic as the one in Boulder, but it offers me a great place to practice endurance and work on some new strokes. I am taking lessons at Courage Center -- an extraordinary place where people with disabilities learn to overcome.

Not long ago I realized that one memory from the childhood swimming experiences planted a seed that took root in me. It involves the manager of the pool, Paul Davis, who was a friend of our family. We sometimes arrived early enough to catch him swimming a mile before our lessons. His stroke was even, efficient, relaxed, peaceful. I've since concluded that his peaceful swimming was the result of the peace in this Christian man's heart.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you . . . Isaiah 43:2

Men and Women

It has been a cold winter in Minnesota. January hasn't seen 32 degrees yet, and most of the days have been below zero. Spring will be especially satisfying this year.


But I can still run at the Lake Street Y's big indoor track. It spans the Y's gymnasium and is 1/6 of a mile long. So while I run, I overlook the activities going on in the gym. There is a Somali soccer league, golf lessons, baseball tryouts, men's and women's basketball, an Asian football group, gay men's volleyball, and high school track. It is good to see the gym get so much use and to have something to look at as I round the oval.


Watching women's basketball, I've noticed that there is a lot of apologizing throughout the game. There are apologies for a personal foul, a missed shot, a turnover, etc.


I don't see the men apologizing very often on the court. When a foul is called on them, the most likely reaction is disbelief.


Of course these are generalizations. I bring it up here to simply make the point that I saw clearly the illustration of God's design at the Y. There is a certain goal-oriented, win-the-battle spirit that God has weaved into the masculine heart. And there is caring, sensitivity to the needs of others that He has breathed into the feminine.


Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that men aren't to be sensitive and women aren't to be goal-oriented. Consider Jesus. If there is ever a man who won the battle -- over sin and death and satan -- it is He. Yet He longed to gather Jerusalem as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, He wept over Lazarus, and He is touched by our weaknesses.


. . . male and female created He them. Genesis 1:27

How to be Humble

I always look forward to Thursday nights. Five guys meet here at the house for Bible study. The study is approaching its four-year anniversary. Rod and Mike have been constants. Several others have come and gone in that time, and right now, Adam and Paul from the house are part of the group. We take turns leading the study and it is a good time digging in the Word together.

Last night Mike K was leading us in a study of 1 Peter, chapter 5. Adam made a great observation that I've been thinking about all day from verses 6-7:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Adam pointed out that, if you take away a descriptive phrase in verse six you are left with a key instruction on humility:

Humble yourselves . . . casting all your anxieties on him . .

I demonstrate humility by casting all of my cares on Christ. If I am carrying my own cares, and full of worry and concern throughout the day, it is an indication that the person I am trusting to make things happen is . . . ME! But if I regularly unload my burdens and trust Christ with my trouble, then I am giving evidence that Christ alone is all-sufficient and the answer to all my needs.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33

Stronger or Weaker?

Many things in our lives are complex. When I went to the NARTH conference, I was amazed at how complicated the issues are that we face. There could be a biological predisposition; there are family-of-origin issues from as far back as infancy that can result in a same-sex attraction. Traumatic experiences can affect us bodily until they are processed. Peer rejection, at a crucial point in our lives, can leave lasting damage. My friend Joe reminds me that these complexities are not unique to those with same-sex attraction, but are common in every life.

So I am always relieved when I discover something that is simple and true.

Yesterday evening, I was meeting with Dan and Mark to plan for the Outpost small group we are starting. We were talking about accountability and sexual failure. Men can fail in various ways, and as we discussed the topic, the simplicity of it hit home.

When a temptation hits us, we have such a simple decision: Do you want to keep your strength or do you want to grow weaker?

Yes, during a moment of sexual temptation, there may be a "climate of need" in our souls. There might be a fear or anxiety; loneliness or sadness. There can be a dismal feeling in our hearts that is difficult to name and even sense. Or maybe we are just sleepy.

The good news is that there is help from the Spirit of God during these times. We are not without help in our difficulties. "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10.

So the simple question is this: when you are tempted to some sexual escape, will you make it worse by following through? Or will you believe God. "I will strengthen you; I will help you."

Don't add more negative feelings to your soul with a sexual failure. God is with you. If you are a Christian, He is dwelling in your heart -- He couldn't be any nearer.

"Be strong in the Lord, and in the power of His might!" Ephesians 6:10