Happy Old Year

I don't send Christmas cards. Long ago, I concluded that the holidays were busy enough and I decided to opt out. It follows, then, that I don't receive them either, but for a couple of faithful-to-the-end souls who have kept me on their lists despite my failure to respond.

But I've always appreciated the "Christmas letter", which reflects on the year past. Along with catching up on the news, I like the idea of looking backward and giving thanks for God's faithfulness over the past 12 months. Many like me are eager, here at the end of December, to set some goals for the year ahead. But before I look forward, I want to look back and give thanks.

Though they moved out of our house in 2008, I am thankful for Rod and Aaron. Each bought their own places and it is fun to see them take that big step. Their time at the house was a good season and I'm glad to consider each of them good friends. Each of these brothers are growing and stepping into new adventures. What gifts God gives us when He provides friends like these.

God has brought many good household companions, and I am learning to trust Him to provide friends to share the house. He brought Rod and Aaron and Trent in for awhile; just as He has brought Adam and Paul, the two faithful brothers who live at 2909 right now. I'm striving to have a household for men that is a spiritually healthy place.

The baseball trip with Andy was certainly a highlight. Four stadiums (Cleveland, Detroit, Chicago and Milwaukee) in four days. It was a fun time getting to know Andy better, visiting great stadiums, and enjoying our national pastime. We saw our Twins lose twice during a 12-2 run. A big part of the trip was visiting some of Andy's favorite midwestern restaurants. Here we are at Steak and Shake in Indiana. The '09 trip (to St. Louis and Kansas City) is already on the calendar.

In 2008, we geared down the CPA firm, saying good bye to Jeri and Deanna, the best two employees on the planet. (Can you believe that they bought me lunch and a going away gift at the end?) Though not without some bumps in the road over the years, I can thank God for abundant blessings on the accounting practice. The clients I have right now are absolutely great.

While the CPA firm was decreased, the coaching ministry was started. Aaron got the site up and developed an awesome logo. God brought a few men to work with, enabled me to attend NARTH, and reunited me with Outpost, with whom I will lead a group starting in a couple of weeks.

My Mom and Dad gave me a brand new Malibu in August, after the faithful Kia got bumped on I-94. I still feel loved every time I get in the car. This was my Dad's idea and we spent a day shopping for cars in Lakewood. I made it to Denver three times in 2008, and it was good staying with my parents in the house that I grew up in. They bless me in more ways than I can count.

Some of the most exhilarating times in 2008 were on the Midtown Greenway or the Mississippi River Road, using the new running leg. What a thrill to get out and run again, like I did when I was a kid. My prosthetist, Cale, encouraged me to give it a shot and he spent months getting the fit just right. What a blessing it is to be approaching 50 and enjoying a new athletic pursuit. I plan to write more on the experience of being a "disabled" athlete and the joy of overcoming a physical challenge.

Thank you, Lord, for so many good gifts in 2008! You are an abundant Giver, a faithful Father, and worthy of all of my trust. Thank you for your Son, for your Holy Spirit, and for our salvation!

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

In 30 minutes I'll leave the house to start the journey to Denver. I'll leave the house on foot with a bag over my shoulder and another in tow to walk to the bus stop. The bus will bring me to the train, which will bring me to the airport. Then the plane to DIA. From there I take a van to Arvada. Then I'm hoping my parents will pick me up in the car to take me to Lakewood. A five hour trip and six different "coaches" will bring me home.

So it is with "life" coaching, is it not? I need to remember that as a life coach I am a link in the chain that God might be using to bring someone along. I can look back at significant men in my life who God brought my way. Certainly my Dad in more ways than I can count. Bob Warner, my first boss at Yellow Front was a kind-hearted business man; Jerry Farnik was my first Bible study leader and he discipled me at the University of Colorado; Richard Truman sought me out to teach me the Bible when I was a new believer. Helmer Dicksved, my first friend in Minnesota, modeled love and faithfulness. Most recently, Stuart Palmer has been an example of an encouraging life coach. Certainly this is only a handful of the ones that have coached me over my life.

That is how God works. Each of us can look back at a mosaic of men and women who have shaped who we are. But it is God working through them, making us into the child of God that He is calling us to be.

We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. Col 1:28

Get Back Up

Every life will entail some sort of setback, failure, or disappointment. It can be big or small, physical or emotional, conspicuous or unnoticeable.

As you read this, your great tragedy or hardship is likely coming to mind. It might be a physical problem that is bothersome everyday. Or an injustice that has robbed you of something precious. It could be an opportunity that was squandered and left you wondering what might have been. Or, as I've mentioned here recently, a childhood trauma that still has an impact on you.

How true it is that our response is the key to our contentment.

Nick Vujicic is a living illustration for us. Born without arms and legs, Nick exudes a love for life. He does not focus on what he does not have, but what he does have. Watching his videos I see a joyful man. He speaks of his gratitude to God for His love for him, for his salvation and eternal hope, and for other gifts.

You can see more of Nick in this Youtube video.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Trauma and the Brain

Four weeks ago right about now, I was ready to dig into a burrito bowl at the Chipotle in Arvada in the warm Colorado sunshine. With journal at hand, I was processing what I had learned that morning at the NARTH Conference.

I'm still processing.

The presenter that morning was Dr. Norman Goldwassar, a psychologist whose main focus was trauma, including a technique of processing it called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). The talk was fascinating. EMDR has been remarkably effective for things like PTSD. The Psychologist has had some very good outcomes in treating people with unwanted same-sex attraction (USSA).

What really hit home was his definition of a trauma: an event that is shocking, unexpected, rocks your world, and is destabilizing. One event can be a trauma to one person but not to another. If something still bothers you and if you still remember the details of the event, then it is likely a trauma.

Traumas get stuck, according to Dr. Goldwasser, in the right side of your brain. The left brain -- the analytical and processing half -- does not get involved. He said that the trauma can get stuck in your neurological system and can result in physiological symptoms.

I could relate to this -- sweaty palms and tightness in the chest in situations which, my brain tells me are safe, but my body is reacting as if it is not.

The goal of EMDR is to engage the left brain into the trauma where it can be processed.

Dr. Goldwassar's talk brought home to me the role of trauma in the development of SSA and the benefit of processing it. Many with SSA have experienced trauma at an age when they were unable to deal with it. Returning to the trauma -- thinking through it, talking through it, and praying through it -- can remove the effects of the trauma, including the physiological reactions that are subconsciously triggered.

I'll be writing more about brain trauma in the weeks to come. It seems like a very important consideration in addressing USSA.

O LORD, you have searched me and known me! . . . You discern my thoughts from afar. Psalm 139:1-2

Message of Manhood from Nashville

I tend to stand alone in my world, as a Minnesotan who likes country music. But as I've tried to convince Aaron, Adam, Trent, and others, some country songs convey solid truths. I don't expect to win them over easily, but I want to share this one with readers. Hopefully you'll see why it is in line with the purpose of this blog.

Here is one comment:

Jack's back with a cool tune about what really makes a man. It's not the job, the car, the money nor a set of six pack abs, but how he comes through for those who depend on him, be it his family or his country.

That's a message that we need to hear, is it not? Hope you enjoy it.

More from NARTH: Bishop Schofield

Some of the NARTH speakers were really gripping. I really enjoyed the talk by Bishop John David Schofield. He discussed the journey of his (formerly) Episcopal diocese in Fresno into a new network of churches when the Episcopals strayed from the authority of scripture. He quoted this text to support and explain the move: (People will be) "lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God -- having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them. (2 Timothy 3:4-5)

He went on to describe the remarkable work of New Creation Ministries with the sexually broken in Fresno. Their major fund raising event was overwhelmed with QueerNation followers continually blowing whistles. It was deafening and disorienting, but the 600 attenders began praying and worshipping. Eventually, police arrived in riot gear to dispel the rebels. When all was said and done, the event yielded a tremendous offering, prompting the Bishop to jokingly ask the ministry director how much it cost to ship in the activists from San Francisco.

Finally, he shared some first-hand experience of California politics. At great cost, the Fresno mayor ("Bubba" from television, and I still don't know who that is) and a leading Pastor led the fight against the gay marriage amendment in Fresno, organizing a huge rally on the courthouse steps. Eventually, each needed police protection from, as the Bishop noted, a community that desires tolerance, acceptance and diversity.

NARTH Conference

The last time I would have been at this spot, it would have been to catch a plane on Concourse E. But Concourse E, along with the rest of Stapleton Airport met the wrecking ball years ago. In its place is a massive shopping area where I now sit processing the morning's teaching over some Chinese food.

I am back in my old home town for the NARTH conference. I just told someone that the morning session of the first day was worth the trip. The presenters were therapists from a leading clinic. I drank in the first several talks and had several "a-ha" moments along the way. Several of the points made resonated deeply with the conclusions I had come to but not crystalized into words.

What a great contribution these therapists are making. The men and women who receive their counsel are being given a great gift.

One of the concepts that I am chewing on is the therapist's attempt to identify feelings in the body. One speaker shed some light on it by explaining that men stuck in "shame" (Nicolosi's "gray zone") aren't feeling, so focusing on the body, where emotions have their physical expression helps them to identify what is going on in their soul.

Real Change

I attended the Exodus Regional Conference this past weekend. It was my new friend Scott who told me about it, and before I knew it I was heading down I-94 to Green Lake, Wisconsin for the event with him and his friend David. There were good times of worship, a very good speaker, and many like me who are journeying out of same-sex attraction.

I have attended three of these events: one in 80’s in Madison, one in the 90’s in St. Paul, and this one. Over the weekend I was able to reflect on the change that has taken place in my soul as the years have gone by. In the 80’s, I remember going to an event like this and becoming “preoccupied” (I’m not sure how else to say it) with one of the male attendees. This time, however, it was a female at the conference that captured my attention more than anyone else.

What it is so striking about this change is that it is in no way forced. I do not feel like I need to be married or have a girlfriend or even be attracted to women. I am content and am well past the typical marrying season. God has made my life very full. I understand that my celibacy is a gift from Him and I am truly thankful for it. But there I was, tying to get a good look at this woman whenever the opportunity arose.

So though I am not married (and don’t expect to be) I am an example of a true change.

There have been several who, when they have become aware my coaching work, express concern over the possibility of “falling” with a client. I won’t say that this is completely impossible. But it is an opportunity to explain that same-sex attraction is something that one can grow out of, if you are willing to put forth the effort. Once you grow into manhood, men become less interesting and women much more.

Yes, it took decades. But it doesn't have to. And that is why it thrills me to be able to coach other men around this issue. Change is indeed possible and I've never been more certain.

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." Genesis 2:18

Benefits of Physical Contact

It might be suprising to many readers that healthy physical contact with other men can be a powerful healing experience to men who struggle with same-sex attraction. Why this is true takes a little bit of explanation, but first let me take a stab at why I think that this is so unexpected to those who don't struggle first-hand.

Just guessing, but many men view same-sex attraction through the grid of their opposite-sex attraction. They view it, understandably I suppose, as a "lust" issue. They are well-acquainted with their own problem with lust, and their solution is to "not go near" anything or anyone that could trigger sexual desires in their hearts. So, unless you are on the path to marriage with a woman, you keep a safe distance physically.

But same-sex attraction is not the flip-side of opposite-sex attraction. Something deeper and more complex is going on. Consider this quote by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi:

“Homosexuality is an alienation from males – in infancy from father, and in later life from male peers. By eroticizing what he feels disenfranchised from, the homosexual man is still seeking this initiation into manhood through other males.”

Same-sex attracted men long for what they missed out on growing up. In a nutshell, it is the bonding that boys experience with men and peers. And some of this bonding occurs in the process of physical touch.

Of course I am referring to healthy physical touch that is not sexual.

My friend Jacob, who is working through same-sex attraction provided this report after roughhousing with some of his college buddies:

This is so ironic. I never thought physical intimacy would be the healer. I always saw it as something to be avoided, because I thought it would only increase the temptation to lust. But somehow it's having the opposite effect. And the part that really intrigues me is that only a few months ago, if I would have gotten into a friendly physical combat match like that, it would have been an automatic red flag. I don't know about you, Dave, but I think I see God's fingerprints all over this sudden shift.

Along with a "friendly combat match" with one of his roommates, Jacob had this camping trip experience:

The camping trip was awesome! . . . Actually, the camping trip is where my victories began. All the guys slept in one tent; I believe there were six of us. Because the tent wasn't exactly large, we all had to lie right next to each other. . . . The first night we were there, all the guys were huddled together in the men's tent. . . . It was then that I realized something: physical intimacy with other men, although it made me very happy, does NOT bring me the sexual gratification that I thought it would.

The Lord binds up the brokenness of His people. Isaiah 30:26

October in Minnesota

Minnesota has a reputation for cold weather, but it is a little overblown. Last weekend was in the 70's and I thought I would post some pics of the scenery that I encountered as I ran along the Mississippi River. We are a few days past the "peak" of leaf color, but the hues on the river banks are still striking.

The river road was packed with cyclists, walkers, runners, and bladers. It was great to be out in the middle of October and not need a shirt during my long run. Yes, I did get caught in the rain but to my surprise, I found it was more exhilirating than unpleasant.

I am thankful for the efforts to provide so many parks and parkways here in Minneapolis. There are many scenic trails for running and cycling. My favorite is the Midtown Greenway, only a block from our house. It is railroad bed converted to a cycling trail and runs west from the Mississippi River all the way to the western suburbs. During June, there were 3600 users of the trail on average every day! It is like a bicycle freeway with few stop signs and it connects me to the "chain of lakes". There is a bike center midway and landscaping along the route.

And God saw everything He had made, and, behold, it was very good. Genesis 1:30

Finishing the Race

Looking ahead to the time of his departure from this life, the Apostle Paul told his spiritual son, Timothy, these words: "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." It gives you a little insight on how he viewed his time here. To Paul, his life was a marathon and a fight -- a very short contest that demanded all that he had.

Out of the thousands of competitors at the Twin Cities Marathon yesterday, certainly a few must have had the Apostle's words on their minds. I spent the morning traveling along the route cheering my friend Mike along as he ran the 26.2 mile course. There were many who turned out to applaud the runners as they ran. The five of us -- Mike's parents, his two children and I -- went to mile 7, mile 14, and mile 22 to encourage Mike and feed him powerbars as he made his journey. I really enjoyed cheering the runners on as they pursued the prize -- a finisher's medalion and the immense satisfaction of running the course to completion.

There must have been many temptations to quit. Not the least of which was the downpour that fell around mile 7. It came down hard and runners had to pick their paths to avoid the puddles that formed in the road. Along with the rain, there was the soreness and downright pain that runners suffered. But most of them persevered, crossed the finish line and enjoyed a festive celebration on the capitol grounds with the friends who supported them. Mike crossed the line in three hours and 59 minutes -- 24 seconds ahead of his goal.

Reflecting on race day, I came away with two goals. One would be to run a marathon someday. The second is far more important, and that is to take on the Apostle Paul's view of life. It is a marathon that demands all that I have. Someday I will cross the finish line and take part in a wonderful celebration. On that Day, I want to be able to look back and say that, through God's grace I gave it everything I had. Lord, give me the strength to run strong until I cross the finish line!

. . . there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day. The Apostle Paul, 2 Timothy 4:8

Taking the first exit (Part 3)

The "Part 3" above probably tipped you off to the fact that this is third in a series. Part 1 is intended to explain the importance of having an "off-ramp" strategy when temptations for a sexual escape hit. Part 2 contains some suggestions to men who would like to develop such a strategy for themselves. This post is written to men who are coming alongside a man who is feeling the urge to act on an impulse.

To be asked to assist a man in overcoming an addictive pattern is nothing less than an honor. Asking you to help him in his time of need is an indication of great trust. He trusts that you will keep his difficulties confidential. He trusts that you will be a source of the encouragement and strength that he needs when he calls. He has opened himself up to you and admitted that he needs help. It is a significant role and you should be honored to have been asked.

The man who has called you is on the road to some sort of sexual escape. The escape he is contemplating will leave him with guilt and shame. And it will whet his appetite for more. Depending on his path, the escape could entangle him in a destructive relationship and even jeopardize his physical health. His spiritual health will be marred as well.

He has several needs when he calls. Do you know what they are?

Feel free to ask him in advance. I've found, however, that at this moment the man needs a mixture of these things: comfort, strength, connection to another person.

That's all. Sexual escapes provide counterfeit of each and leave a man wounded. You can provide something real and help him off the destructive highway that he is on.

Don't be concerned that you may not have the right words. You're not there to do counseling or to help him figure it out. Encourage. Listen. Come alongside. Help him through this rough patch so that he will make a good decision right now.

I hope that this is helpful, reader. God bless you as you help men persevere and grow. I'd love to hear how it goes as you come alongside a struggling man. Feel free to correspond with me or leave a comment.

What is desired in a man is steadfast love. Proverbs 19:22

Taking the first exit (part 2)

In Part 1, I explained about the need for men with addictive behavior patterns, specifically escapes that are sexual in nature, to have an off-ramp strategy to head-off a destructive fall. This is not exactly a new idea. But I've seen few concrete suggestions for men to implement this strategy so that it is an effective tool in fighting addictive behaviors. In Part 3, I have suggestions for men on the receiving end of the telephone call.

Select 3 guys

Maybe more than three if you'd like. Choose carefully and look for men who will be understanding when you call. The type who will offer you encouragement and not a reprimand. "What is desired in a man is steadfast love," the Proverbs say. He needn't be one of your closest friends. But he must be generally reachable and he must be understanding when it comes to sexual sin. His values need to line up with yours; that is, that sexual escapes are unhealthy and wrong. He must be able to be trusted with the information that you will share with him.

Explain to the man your need

Here is a suggestion:

Hey, Bruce, I'd like to ask a favor of you . . . something that you'll hold in confidence between just you and me. Every now and then I have fallen into some sexual escapes -- nothing I much want to do or am proud of -- and am working with a coach to break the habit. I was wondering if you would be willing to be someone I could give a quick call to when I feel the cycle start to begin. We don't need to get into what's going on when I call -- I just need to briefly connect with a friend, let him know what's going on and get some encouragement and prayer support. It's not a lifetime commitment -- just for the next few months as I make some progress and break the pattern. Would you be willing to help me?

There is no need to get into the specifics of your temptations.

It might seem like a tough request to make. But likely the man will feel honored that you trust him with your struggle and admire your doing what you need to do to overcome it.

Follow through

Set up some trigger points for yourself. "I'll call Tony, Roger, and Stuart if I ________" (start driving downtown, pick up the phone to call so-and-so, start a dangerous internet search, etc). Once you hit the trigger point, make the calls. If there is no answer, leave a message with a request to talk later.

I suggest keeping the call brief but completely honest.

Don't be afraid to ask for what you need to exit the sexual escape highway. "Wayne, can I call you in 45 minutes to assure that I drive straight home?" or, "Can I send you an email about how I spent the rest of the day? I really need to process what happened to me at work today."

Remember

Remember that a sexual escape is worthless. Yes, your heart will race and you'll be distracted from your emotional trouble. But it will leave you with a mixture of shame, guilt, and desire that won't go easily or quickly.

Save yourself all of that. Develop an off-ramp strategy and use it.

. . . if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use. 2 Timothy 2:21

Taking the first exit (Part 1)

Many have made the observation that a sexual escape is the culmination of a sequence of events. Men are often set up for temptation initially by a disappointing event. A sense of discouragement and defeat follows. Surely, the devil is an opportunist (Luke 4:13).

Dr. Joseph Nicolosi has pointed out that, as a men progress down this path, they are "not feeling" and "not dealing". The emotions that the event has triggered are difficult to deal with, and to push the emotions out of their heads they start down a path of sexual escape. As Nicolosi has explained, they begin a dialogue with themselves . . . "I want to act out . . . I shouldn't act out . . . I want to . . . I shouldn't".

This is a familiar scenario to men who have found themselves on this path. There is a fight going on in their souls and it is a fight that they often loose.

True enough, it is ideal to identify and wage this mind battle as early in the process as possible. But renewing the mind is a long process. It takes time (yep, I'm talking months and years) to tune in to our patterns of thinking and feeling and escaping.

In the mean time, I am coaching the men who struggle with addictive sexual escapes to have an "off-ramp" strategy. The strategy involves having three men to call when they begin to sense that they are on the sexual escape super highway. Having an off-ramp strategy is not a substitute for their ongoing mind-renewing work that they are doing with their counselors and coaches. But the off-ramp strategy can spare the man from the debilitating effects of a sexual failure, big or small.



The off-ramp is so important, that I urge men to spend time carefully developing their strategy. In the following posts, I offer suggestions to men who are trying to stop addictive behaviors (Part 2) and to the men who will be supporting them (Part 3).

. . . flee youthful passions. 2 Timothy 2:22

More than a light fixture

For 18 years, our house has had a chandelier, which one visitor described as "feminine". I dismissed the comment at first but eventually saw the light (sorry) and decided it should go. We are a household of men, afterall.

I found one on clearance at Home Depot (where men buy light fixtures). It seemed to fit the house so today we did the installation.

Once again, it was more difficult than the directions let on. This time it was Adam who helped me to think through the problems. It truly looked like it wasn't going to happen at several points. The connecting bolt was too long for our box (we took a hack saw to it). The instructions were less than worthless, so we proceeded by instinct. I told Adam that the obstacles were what make it fun and I really meant it.

(One more lesson I have learned about the man's world of tools is this: a man keeps his tools organized and ready to use. The retractable knife, for example, is kept in a certain place and he doesn't have to run all over the house looking for it.)

So a feminine thing has been replaced with a masculine thing. This is the same work that I desire for God to be doing in my soul. Not that there is anything wrong with the feminine, of course. But God has created me male, and called me to glorify Him in masculine ways. As I grow in the masculine, God is glorified, I am satisfied, and the wrong longings for masculinity fade away.

.

Behold, I make all things new. Revelation 21:5

10K in the Rain

I got in a few hours ago from the longest run of my life. Seven miles in the rain around White Bear Lake with Cale, my prosthetist. It was my first run in the rain, but nothing new for Cale, who said that he often trained in rain as a reservist. It wasn't a hard rain, and I didn't mind at all. (Next time, however, I'll know better how to dress for the rain. I really overdid it.)

The value of training with another man is starting to become clear to me. Today, for example, the rain might have been enough to keep me off the trail. But Cale wasn't backing out so I wasn't going to either. I also had some significant leg pain after mile five (and I was getting tired). Had I been alone, I might have stopped. No, I would have stopped! But Cale and I had a great conversation going and I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and before long, we were back at the marina where we started.

And as far as masculine development goes, training with other men is of tremendous value. Whatever the endeavor, other men will push you to go harder and farther. They will teach you the best techniques and new exercises. They will watch your form and point out when you need to improve. As you sharpen your skills, you will do the same for them. Whenever I can, now, I train with another guy.

Iron sharpens iron,and one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

Disclosure is opening your heart

I noted in an earlier blogpost that I am on a journey of disclosure. I am learning that there is real joy and pleasure in opening up to others about my journey out of same-sex attraction. It is a risk as you might imagine. But there has always been a reward. My relationship with the person that I have disclosed to has always deepened.

So this quotation from Maria Edgeworth captured my attention today:

“The human heart, at whatever age, opens to the heart that opens in return."

When I disclose, the hearer's heart opens in return.

There is one more thing that I have noticed. When my heart opens to others, it opens to God as well. The Spirit of God comes rushing in at that moment . . . I draw on His strength as I disclose the nature of my journey. He opens the heart of the listener, through whom I almost always receive grace.

I can say that I have experienced the opposite as well. I have closed my heart by holding on to anger, suspicion, and bitterness, then wondered what happened to the sense of God's presence that I used to have.

This might be the point of Jesus' teaching in Matthew 5: "So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (v 23-24). God commands us to attend to the problem in our hearts with a brother before we pursue communion with Him. Maybe he won't share a heart with anger and discord.

May we strive for open hearts. With our fellow man and with God. And may we then experience the joy having others open their hearts before us.

We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians; our heart is wide open. 2 Corinthians 6:11

A Battle to Fight

I'm always keeping an eye open for the spirit of manhood and saw it last night at the ballpark. I went to a Minnesota Twins game and the opposing team hit a home run over the fence into the bleachers. The ball landed in some empty seats and two men went after it. For one of them, it meant jumping onto the row of seats (with arm rests), ribs first. The two grown men wrestled each other over the ball for about 30 seconds. When one of them came up with it, he held it up victoriously.

Then, egged on by the crowd, he threw it back into the outfield.

As John Eldgredge has said, men need a battle to fight. They will find one, even if it is over a $3 baseball.

Men do well to understand this about themselves. It is a spirit that God has put in them for a good purpose. Of course, like any gift from God, it can be misused. But it is meant to be used and we are to seek God's guidance over what battle He has chosen for us to fight. (Hint: It probably isn't over a baseball hit into the stands.)

So men, choose your battles wisely. But definitely battle. Don't bury this spirit that God has especially weaved into your nature. There are many worthy battles to fight. If you are a Christian, you are in the midst of a great spiritual battle. Don't be unaware or inattentive lest you suffer an unexpected blow.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness . . . Eph 6:12

Brotherly Affection in British History

Many have pointed out that demonstrations of heart-felt brotherly affection are rare in these days. Our lives our less rich as a result. This was not always the case and once again I'd like to turn our attention to Eric Metaxas' biography of William Wilberforce.

Metaxas reprints a letter to Wilberforce from his close friend, William Pitt, pictured at left. Pitt, the future Prime Minister, replying to his friend's letter about matters of faith, writes:

". . . few things could go nearer to my heart than to find myself differing from you essentially on any great principle. I trust and believe that it is a circumstance which can hardly occur. But if it ever should . . . believe me it is impossible that it should shake the sentiments of affection and friendship which I bear towards you, and which I must be forgetful and insensible if I ever could part with."

Asking for an opportunity to talk further about the Christian faith, Pitt writes:

"What I would ask of you, as a mark both of your friendship and of the candor which belongs to your mind, is to open yourself fully and without reserve to one, who, believe me, does not know how to separate your happiness from his own."

I want to know more about the friendship of Pitt and Wilberforce. The two men were strong in manhood, rising to the highest levels of leadership of a world empire. Yet Pitt could openly express his affection to his friend.

May we grow in manliness and the ability to express brotherly affection from our hearts.

"Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor." Romans 10:12

A Man and His Tools

My Uncle Loyd had a cabin deep in the mountains of Colorado. Getting to it entailed driving 15 miles on a dirt road. There was a pristine lake not far away that fed a stream, which ran through the property. I drank from the stream when no one was looking. Best water I've ever had.

The cabin was the source of many great memories for our family. It is where I learned to play (and love) croquet. On our visits there we would explore the woods, play all sorts of games, cook popcorn on the stove, build fires, fish, visit Uncle Martin down the road, and eat tremendous meals.

The nearest public electricity and water sources were 25 miles away. Somehow my uncle constructed his own power plant. I'm still not sure how he did it. But the cabin had complete electrical service, along with running water, hot and cold.

I can still remeber his big garage at the cabin. It rarely contained a vehicle -- rather it was filled with tools and everything needed to keep the cabin and the jeep operating. Even now I smell the cans of gasoline and oil that sat on the shelves. There were jars containing a hodge-podge of screws and bolts, boxes of nails, many saws, axes, hammers, mowers, and rags. Two very old Kansas license plants hung on the wall for decoration.

You may have read elsewhere on this blog of the need for same-sex attracted men to associate with masculine things as part of their growth out of SSA. One way to do this is to enter the world of tools.

This will be different for every reader. But most of us possess something that needs to be repaired, whether it be a bicycle, a vehicle, or a house.


Personally, I have gotten a lot of satisfaction in constructing a work room in the basement. I purchased pegboard and have hung tools. With Trent's help I built some shelves and Aaron and I resurfaced and painted the bench. It is a room that I hope to spend a lot of time in as the years go by. And, just like my uncle's garage, there is a very old license plate hung for decoration.

"You have an abundance of workmen: stonecutters, masons, carpenters, and all kinds of craftsmen . . . Arise and work! The Lord be with you!" 1 Chron 22:15-16

Ceiling Fans and Perseverance

It was called the Quick-Connect ceiling fan. "Connects in minutes", the box said, with only the use of a few handtools. I was skeptical, and, as it turned out, with very good reason.

Connecting in minutes is realistic under ideal circumstances. But our 82 year-old house had an 82 year-old electrical box holding the wiring for the old fan. Then there was a drywall ceiling attached to the plaster ceiling so that the box was recessed into the drywall by at least an inch. Attaching the new fan to the old box was impossible.

To be completely honest, I was ready to make a phone call to the electrician. But Paul, my friend who volunteered to help me, was undaunted. Paul, dear brother, I couldn't have done it without you.

After two trips to the Home Depot, several conversations with their staff, three trips to the corner hardware store for just the right screw, and hours (not minutes) of tinkering with the connection, the fan is now cooling the living room. It is a sight to behold.

I am writing about it here, because the victorious house project is one of the building blocks to manliness. Paul and I worked together for hours. We were nearly stumped several times over what type of junction box to use, how to securely attach it to the existing box (or to replace the old one altogether), what bolts and screws would do the job, and how to interpret the instructions.

Calling the electrician would not have been an utter defeat. We don't have to feel like we have summon the manliness to tackle every project that comes our way.

But I'm glad that I didn't. Now, each time I look at that fan, I am reminded that Paul and I (with God's help as always) conquered the ceiling fan.

"My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth." Psalm 121:2

Dear friend,

Sure enjoyed our bicycling trip on Friday. It was fun to get out and I think that God really blessed our day. We avoided the two rain storms and had perfect weather. No flat tires, no mishaps along the way. Then Chipotle. The Lord is good.

I was proud of you on the trail, young man. You set a personal best for distance. You didn't quit until we made our goal -- even though you could have when we got back to North St. Paul. There is no reason why you can't keep making progress on your fitness goals. Don't give up until you achieve them!

But I am also proud of you for other reasons. You are courageous. It takes courage to fight against the same-sex attractions that surface in your soul and you are doing it. It takes courage to open up to your Pastor and you did it. It takes courage to ask for help and you are doing it. May God continue to grow your courage and I pray that it will yield a great reward!

Yes, there will be challenges ahead. But you can allow each one to push you toward God and not away from Him. You will find Him patient, encouraging, fatherly, wise, forgiving and strengthening in everything that you bring to Him. What great help we have as Christians!

God's blessings as you press on. Keep the wheels turning . . . on the bicycle and in your journey!

Dave O

. . . He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

Manhood at the University of Minnesota and the House of Commons

As I write this afternoon, I am at Wilson Library at the University looking out across the plaza. People walk, cycle, and "blade" to their next class or appointment. Like some others here at the library, I watch them between keystrokes and paragraphs.

I see students and faculty, visitors and administrators, men and women. Some of the men look like they might be athletes; others are clearly not athletes at all.

But what an error I would be making were I to “measure a man” by his physical appearance!

Two days ago I finished Amazing Grace, the biography of William Wilberforce. If you are unfamiliar with him, he led the fight in Parliament to abolish the slave trade. The man was a true warrior. Though he never wielded a sword or a pistol, he confronted the evil practice of rounding up Africans and shipping them to the West Indies to labor on a plantation. If they survived the trip, the slaves faced a life full of difficulties that are beyond my comprehension. Amid death threats and great opposition, Wilberforce and the abolitionists prevailed, though the political battle lasted decades.

The author provided a brief physical description of Wilberforce early in the book:

“Wilberforce was universally described as tiny and stood just over five feet tall with a child-sized torso. His chest was measured in later years at thirty-three inches.” (p. 43)

This “tiny” man was a spiritual and political giant who led the fight to secure the personal freedom of hundreds of thousands of slaves. I’ll say it again – what an error we make when we measure a man by what we see on the outside!

How, then, do we esteem the physical strength of a man? There is a certain glory to it, is there not? "The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their gray hair." (Proverbs 20:29) But what a fleeting glory it is! And how trivial in the sight of God! Recall what God said to Samuel when he was selecting a king:

“Do not look on his appearance or the height of his stature . . . For the Lord sees not as man sees; man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

Think about that, next time you overlook the plaza at a University.

His delight is not in the strength of the horse, nor is his pleasure in the legs of a man. Psalm 147:10

Rich's Barbershop

If you are serious about overcoming SSA, you’ve probably learned that you need to gradually chase every remnant of defensive detachment from masculine things out of your system. We need to do what men do and go where men go. A big step in this regard for me was becoming a customer at Rich’s barbershop.

For years I went to the local franchise of a hair salon to get my hair cut. The salon had a staff consisting entirely of women and one very unmasculine man. As I sat in the chair, five feet to the left a woman was giving another woman a style-cut, all the while talking about highlights and styling gels. In the waiting area are magazines like People and Intouch and books of hairstyles.

What on earth was I thinking?

Less than half a block away is a barbershop. Rich is the owner and sole barber. The place doesn’t have a name. I don’t think that it has ever been redecorated and none of the patrons care. There are all sorts of interesting things on the wall, like picture postcards, yellowed business cards, pictures of people and comic strips. No credit cards are accepted; but if you’re short on cash, Rich will just tell you to catch him next time.


Along with the giant barber chair, three old-fashioned theatre chairs face the barber. There is one conversation in this tiny shop. Rich considers the place a man-refuge of sorts. During one haircut, we all talked about using boilers versus forced-air furnaces to heat homes. (Remember, I live in Minnesota.) I think that Rich can carry on a conversation with any man about any topic. At the end of the haircut, Rich lathers your neck with hot foam and then pulls out the sharp razor. It is the best part (no pun intended) of the treatment. I always look forward to the visit.


You might be saying, “It’s only a haircut, Dave.” Yes, that's true. But for me it is enormously symbolic. When I was a kid, I used to go to the barbershop with my dad. It was a man’s world. We would go on Saturday afternoon and there was a game on the TV and Car and Driver and Field and Stream in the magazine rack.


Then somewhere along the line it was decided that I wasn’t getting a good haircut there. I must have been about 13. My mom found a “stylist” and brought me to her. I was out of the man’s world and into a salon and I didn’t protest.



It took me a few decades, but I made it back to the barbershop.


Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. 1 Corinthians 16:13

Reframing from Rich, Step 1: Find the Story

One of the helpful processes that I have learned from Rich at People Can Change is that of reframing. Men struggling with SSA would do well to practice this process with their coaches and build it into their daily lives. Implementing it will bring you significant benefits by diffusing some of the attractions that could otherwise knock you over.

In this post, let's consider his step 1.

You are at Chipotle and a man ahead of you in line captures your attention. In a split second your thoughts get carried away and you know that you are struggling. If you don't embrace another line of thinking, you could get carried away to a bad place.

Your first inclination might be to stop looking or to find a seat that faces the corrugated sheet metal on the wall. Sure, you could do that, but there will be another guy that could catch your eye as you walk out of the place.

Rich offers a far better suggestion that will cause you to grow. Get a grip on your thoughts and determine what is going on in your head. Begin by splitting off the sexual component of your thinking. Set that aside, look at him and "find the story". What are you telling yourself about him and yourself at that moment? This is an opportunity to hone your thinking and bring it under control.

There will more than likely be some sort of comparison going on. He is stronger or bigger; quicker or leaner. He is more important or successful; more rugged or adventurous. He is younger or carefree; he is more steady, confident and happy. He has more hair, it is less gray, or a fuller beard. As you can tell, the comparison could be on any basis. Determine the story running through your head, then you can know how to address your thinking.

Rich suggests that you zero in on your feelings at this point. Feeling can be difficult for some SSA men if feeling only resulted in sadness and frustration growing up. He mentions some possible emotions that might be emerging: envy, loneliness, sadness, or shame. We will deal with the important topic of dealing with emotions in subsequent posts.

This is step 1. You have discerned what you are thinking and feeling. Your next reflex must be to move on to step 2: processing

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Psalm 139:23

Disclosure as Manliness

Thank God for the journeys that He leads us on. As a Christian, I am journeying toward a stronger relationship with God and knowledge of Him. I am on a masculine journey, seeking to be a man in every aspect of my life. I am striving to become a more effective leader of my household and a stronger influence on the men in my life. As a coach, I am studying to learn the best way to lead men into their full potential, past obstacles, into lives that are productive, satisfying and God-glorifying.

I am also on a journey of self-disclosure. In the past, I have been cautious and reluctant to disclose battling same-sex attraction. But in my role as a coach to men who are same-sex attracted, self-disclosure is part of the new territory. God has called me and it is time for boldness.

My coach, Stuart, led me to make the connection between manliness and self-disclosure during our last time together. This was really the first I had considered the idea and it has given me a lot to chew on.

A friend and I were talking not long ago about how we are standing on the shoulders of those who have gone on before us. As I write this, there is a Bible, written in English on the table to my right. A few centuries back an order of the Pope dictated that all Bibles be in Latin, preventing non-Latin speakers from reading and understanding the truths of God for themselves. One man, William Tyndale, the British reformer, defied the order. He translated the Bible into English, then published and distributed it. For this he was imprisoned and burned at the stake. But because of him and others like him, I am able to read the word of God and be changed by it.

I also stand on the shoulders of many who have spoken of "change" for men and women with same-sex attraction. What would have been the course of my life, were it not for the network of Exodus ministries that sprouted 30 years ago? More recently, the impact of People Can Change has led me into a greater experience of manhood to the extent that the sexual escapes from the past are now unthinkable.

The founders of Exodus and People Can Change publicly disclosed their struggles. I don't know what this has meant to them. But I do know that I have a freedom from sin, a masculine identity and a satisfying life that I wouldn't have were it not for their disclosure.

This is masculine strength and courage, is it not? Manliness is setting aside the desire for self-preservation and acting for the greater good. May God grant us manly strength so that the ones to come may stand on our shoulders.

By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. 1 John 3:16

Why I am a Coach and not a CPA, Part II

I was reminded of the call of God in my life the other day in a way that I did not expect. I was using the locker room at the Y when he crossed my path.

He had a look of innocence. He couldn’t have been more than 24 and he looked like he was off to a good start. He appeared educated and capable. A professional man, I guessed that he was, but with kind and friendly eyes.

Some of his behaviors made it clear, however, that he was same-sex attracted and he was "cruising" in the locker room.

I am sad for this man. In one of the best seasons of his life, he was being led by the nose by his sex drive. I am old enough now to know where this leads. Hundreds of sexual encounters, probably, by the time he is 30. Maybe a couple of relationships that will leave him broken and spent. Disease. His emotional growth will be stunted because he will handle difficult feelings with sexual escapes. He is running from one of God’s most precious gifts to him: the experience of being the man and feeling like a man. He is on a road that leads nowhere.

Where are the voices of warning? Who can help this man, were he decide to walk a different road?

This young man reminds me of myself 25 years ago. The profound longings for manliness, confusing emotions, various fears, deep passions, and cravings for relationships conspired together. Gay experiences were hard to resist. The people and places where I sought help offered little of the instruction and support that I really needed.

Now I am 48. Thank God for forgiving me, maturing me, leading me, and making a man out of me.

I think again of the young man, and the thousands of young men like him. And that is why I am a coach and not a CPA.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you. Psalm 51:12-13

Why I am a Coach and not a CPA

Twenty-six years ago, this very month, I passed the CPA exam. I sat in Currigan Hall (which has since met the wrecking ball) in downtown Denver, with several sharpened #2 pencils, and darkened bubbles on a paper for hours at a time. Though the test took only 2 ½ days, it was the culmination of 4 years at the University of Colorado and months of preparation.

That was the start of a blessed career. Difficult at times, but blessed. The first job at Arthur Andersen was rocky. But eventually I opened my own practice. God blessed us with wonderful clients and employees. My work in the accounting field provided me a good living, satisfying relationships, and a sense of purpose.

There have been times recently, usually driving home from a satisfying day at an accounting client’s office, when I am prone to second guess the decision to walk away. My accounting firm is turning a good profit and I have good relationships with my clients. So I decided that one of my first blogposts would be about leaving it all for life coaching.

There is a simple explanation, really: a call from God. I believe that He is calling me to this adventure in the next season of my life. I’m not sure where it will go, but I am going to follow.

The apostle Peter was sitting safely in a boat when he saw Jesus walking on the water nearby. Getting out of that boat and stepping out on the lake defied logic. No matter. “Jesus, ask me to come to you!” Somehow he knew that if Jesus called him out of the boat he could walk on the lake too. Then Jesus called. “Come!”

Without any forethought or analysis Peter hopped out. What a thrill that must have been! Can you imagine the excitement? Eleven others sat stunned and amazed!

So I feel a little like Peter. God is calling me out of the secure boat . . .

That’s why I am a coach and not a CPA.

He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it. 1 Thessalonians 5:24

Appreciating the Challenge

Awhile back my mother told me that she thought that I had lived a hard life. I wasn’t sure what to make of the comment, nor am I sure that I agree with it. But as I reflected on it I understand why she might think so.

My mother is aware of my battle with same-sex attraction. There was a bleak season about 12 years ago when I needed all the support that I could get with the whole thing. I decided to tell her all about it and she was indeed a valuable help at the time.

But my mom also walked through the trying times in my adolescence when my health was in a crisis. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with a bone cancer that was rare, and, at the time, usually fatal. My parents had to deal with the weighty medical decisions, daily trips downtown for radiation, weekly ones for chemotherapy, my lousy attitude about it all, and, what looked to be my approaching death.

I didn’t die. The required treatment, however, resulted in the amputation of my right foot in November of my junior year of high school.

At this point in the story, people often say, “Wow, what an awful time of life to lose a limb!” I’m not so sure. Kids handle catastrophic illness better than adults.

Along with the carefree, “don’t-bother-me-with-cancer-treatment” attitude of a kid, at 16 I had enough maturity to realize that I was at a fork in the road that would steer the rest of my life. Was this turn of events to be a cause of ongoing self-pity? Or would losing my leg become an ongoing source of challenge and accomplishment? God gave me the grace to choose the latter.

My leg was amputated 32 years ago. In January of this year I completed my first triathlon. Then another in April. Sure I finished toward the bottom of the pack. But I won the self-proclaimed physically-challenged division (yes, I was the only member). I’ll never forget the pleasure as I walked to my car with the “certificate of completion” in hand. Last week, while out on a training ride, I met a man who caught up to me and said, “I’ve never met you before but you are my hero. All of my friends are giving up cycling for one reason or another but seeing you out here really inspires me.” "How often does a guy get to hear that?" I thought to myself. Just as I had suspected 32 years ago, losing a limb has been a life-long challenge full of satisfaction.

Why am I talking about my physical challenges here? Because they have become a blueprint for how I view same-sex attraction. Will I descend into self-pity and constantly grumble about how hard and unfair it is? Yes it is hard and unfair. I am not suggesting that anyone deny reality or stuff the grief, anger and shame that he might experience. But there is a lot to be said for a positive attitude.

Most men get handed their masculine identity and don’t even realize what a gift they have been given. Like many other men, however, I have scratched and clawed and fought and prayed to obtain it. We've paid $$$ to go on masculine development weekends in other states. We've read books, pursued counseling and coaching, taken part in groups etc, etc, all to obtain our precious freedom and masculinity. What great value these things are in our hearts when we find them! What joy comes from a breakthrough of freedom or a rush of masculine strength!!

So I will enjoy this journey and wring every drop of satisfaction from it that I can. It has packed my life with purpose and it is making me into the man that I want to be.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9