Growth Into Manhood

The third national Exodus conference was held in my hometown (Lakewood, Colorado) in 1982. Still coming to terms with SSA in my own life at 22, I wasn't sure if I was ready to attend. But I was curious about the whole thing, snuck in late and sat near the back door in case I wanted to bolt. After the closing prayer many of the participants were socializing, but Alan Medinger spotted me alone by the door. He approached and asked what brought me to the conference. I remember little about the conversation, other than he was kind and encouraging and that he prayed for me.

So I had a positive experience with the author of Growth Into Manhood before I picked it up. But by the time I closed the cover, I concluded that it is the best book I've read on same-sex attraction. Reading it is one of most helpful things that a man with SSA can do for himself.

Medinger has been a pillar of the Exodus movement dating back to the 70's. He has been a ministry director in Baltimore, and can be called a leader among leaders. He had been in the ministry over 20 years when this book was written and it is filled with solid counsel from a Christian perspective. There is much wisdom and encouragement in these pages that many will find helpful in the journey.

In chapter 1, Medinger says that "homosexuality is at its core an identity problem." A man "feels empty in some place where he senses he should feel strong." The answer to the identity problem, he says, is growth. He chides Exodus ministries for focusing more on understanding and healing than on growing. This growth occurs by understanding the masculine (chapter 7), understanding what men do (chapter 8) and then doing what men do (chapter 9). The chapters on relating to women are an excellent help to the man ready breakthrough to a hetersexual relationship.

Hope from the Garden

If it is possible for a man to love a tree, I do.

The tree I’m referring to is the great red maple that covers the backyard like a grand canopy. It shades our patio from the hot summer sun with leaves that are as big as my hand. It is a playground for countless squirrels and has been a home to many a feathered creature. Sadly, the tree doctor gave a grim report a few years back that has me praying that I outlive my arboreal friend.

Each fall, we shred many, many leaves into a mulch that will feed the soil throughout the yard. Others are raked over the plantings to provide some protection from the biting winter cold. One of the spring jobs, then, is to take up the dead leaves from the garden so that it will receive full sun.

I was at this task a couple of weeks ago, thinking that my garden was some days away from emerging. I was wrong. When I raked the blanket of the leaves from the garden, I found hastas shooting out of the ground. Tiny green leaves were popping out of the branches of the rose bushes. Tender peony shoots were pushing aside last year’s dead stalks.

Growth was happening like crazy; I just couldn’t see it yet.

It has made me wonder if that is not sometimes the case with you and me. Day after day, we do the things we do to grow. We pursue our spiritual disciplines, spend time in the Word, and worship each Sunday. We work toward a healthy gender identity by pushing ourselves to do what men do and overcoming obstacles that held us back.

During the process, however, we might not see any real change in our hearts or in our identities. We feel like the same men we were a decade ago, falling into the same sins and setbacks. It is tempting to believe that nothing is changing in our hearts and that our efforts are producing nothing at all.

But it isn’t so, fellow believer! Though it might not meet the eye, you are changing. The nutrients that are being drawn into your heart and your masculine soul cannot help but be making you strong. Don’t be tempted to give up when you can’t yet see it! Who knows that there aren’t strong branches just below the surface, ready to be displayed in glory!

I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. 1 Cor 3:6

Dear J

Dear J,

Thanks for letting me know what is going on. I understand that the battle can get difficult sometimes and giving up looks attractive. As one who is some years down the road, I want to urge you not to. There are many reasons to persevere, and I'll mention a few here.

I was reminded about one of them this morning when I found this encouragement in my inbox. I think it will encourage you. There is the fulfillment of our hope in the not-too-distant future, and it will transform all of our suffering. The quote from C.S. Lewis that you'll find here might alone get you through some rough times.

One thing that has kept me from throwing in the towel is the knowledge of all that I would lose. I think you would agree that the battle against same-sex attraction is our cross. "And calling the crowd to Him with his disciples, He said to them, 'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.'" (Mark 8:34) If I won't bear my cross, I'll lose Jesus. Not only that, but I would lose all of the blessings and gifts that come from pursuing him. Think for a few minutes about all of the good things in your life because of Christ. Whatever good that the gay lifestyle has to offer (and trust me, it is less than you think) could not begin to compare to the life you have in the Lord.

Another encouragement that you need to count is your great capacity for change. From what I recall, you haven't been sexually active, so your propensity for change is especially great. When you walk down the path of romance and sexuality involving a man, it is all the more difficult to walk back and find what is true. This is not to say that God's mercy is limited and forgiveness will be harder to gain. What I'm talking about is the capacity for changed sexual desires. As one who has restrained himself you are much further ahead than one who has programmed his brain and body with powerful sexual experiences.

One more thing. That you can never have "masculinity, manhood, heterosexuality" is flat-out wrong. Your masculinity and growth into manhood (and then, very possibly, heterosexuality) has been delayed. The process got interrupted as it did for me. But this is not to say that it can't restart and continue. And it has been my experience that the growth into manhood has brought great satisfaction and even joy. Having lacked a sense of my masculinity for so many years has packed these recent years with satisfying experiences of manhood over and over. You desire manhood and heterosexuality. These are attainable to the man who seeks them.

You have made many good decisions along the way, young man. I'm proud of you for so many reasons and count you as one of God's gifts to me. Please persevere. There are thousands of men and women on this journey all over the world. And we are blessed in more ways than can be counted.

Your friend,

Dave O

Dear brother,

Thank you for letting me know what has happened. You will be in my prayers and I can certainly relate. It isn't hard for our troubles to lead us into some sort of failure. It has happened to me many many times.

I know the feeling of regret. This might be hard to follow but I both accept it and fight it. I accept it because I want it to do a work in my heart. "For Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret." Somehow grieving over opening up my soul to sin, whetting my appetite for it and disappointing my Father, can work in me to bring lasting change and eventual salvation. In this way I accept the regret and give thanks for it.

Along with that, I have to fight from being "overwhelmed by excessive sorrow" (2 Cor 2:7). I don't want regret to overshadow the truths that I rest my life on. I have been adopted by God as His son thanks to the work of Christ, and my failures do not cause Him to disown me. I have been justified by grace -- once for all -- and can rejoice in my salvation despite having failed Him. The blood of Christ has fully atoned for my sin, and I am as clean now as I was before things went south. Praise the Lord for His great love for us!! Failures provide me with an opportunity to marvel at God's unfailing love.

Yes, my brother, keep on fighting and don't let this fall dim your faith in the least. He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. I look forward to rejoicing with you on that day!

I'm looking forward to talking with you soon when your new phone arrives.

I'm with you all the way, hermano,

Dave O

Lesson from the Court Room

I've just returned from my first court appearance. As court appearances go, this was as straight-forward and simple as they come. I was a character witness and wasn't on the stand for long. I wasn't cross-examined.

While on the witness stand, I was struck by the opposing attorney. Everyone in the room was looking at me except for him. He was looking down and away the entire time. Was I a boring witness? Maybe. But I'm also wondering if it might have been intentional. If so, what was he attempting to withhold from me by looking away?

So it has me thinking about the good that can result from eye contact. When I look someone in the eye, I show respect. In a very small way, I show concern. A look in the eye -- perhaps for one on a witness stand -- can bring encouragement and strength.

Maybe lawyers learn this somewhere along the way.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Psalm 32:8

More About Coaching

Saturdays now mean getting out of the house before 8:00 for my swimming lesson. These have been very profitable half hours. As hoped, my front crawl has improved, but I have come a long way on the back stroke. I've even discovered how easy it is to tread water.

I am also gaining insight into the process of coaching. Usually, I am the coach. But in the pool, I am coached by Tom. On Sunday afternoons, I am coached by Grant. While taking in as much as I can from these men regarding technique, the coaching part of me is observing the process. What about the relationship is effective in my learning to be a better swimmer?

Today, for example, we worked on the "flip turn". The flip turn is a somersault in the water at the wall to quickly reverse direction. I've worked on it over and over but not mastered it. I've been close to giving up, but this morning I nearly broke through and here is how it happened.

Over several sessions, the coach has worked with me and I just wasn't getting it. Try coordinating your legs, chin, shoulders, and arms, while exhaling. But today the coach -- out of wisdom or exasperation, I am not sure which -- changed course and had me work on doing a "hand-stand" instead. That, with some practice, I could do! It built confidence to master a new task. And, I am half-way to the flip!

In the pool, I don't hesitate to ask to set the agenda. There are times when I am wanting to work on a certain stroke or discipline. I've never had the coach say "no". I'll interview him about it, ask him to demonstrate, and then suggest that he watch me and see what I'm doing wrong. At the end of class, sometimes I'll ask him to give me an assignment.

But as the coachee, I don't want to always lead. My coach, by virtue of his training and expertise, knows more. I need to accept and weigh his counsel. I want to make sure that he knows that his counsel and feedback is always welcome. Though he knows and I know that every decision is still mine.

Another valuable element of the coaching relationship is positive feedback. When the coach is impressed with something -- and I know that he means it -- it is immensely encouraging.

I also benefit most when I know that the coach enjoys the relationship. I've gotten the impression that both Grant and Tom enjoy our times together. I certainly do.

Grace at "Yellow Front"

Today is one of my favorite kind of day. Seven inches of snow fell yesterday and today is bright sunshine. The snow was brilliant and a fresh layer of pure white cover everything. I was reminded of a great verse from the book of Isaiah: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow (v. 18).

It is amazing to be forgiven of sin. Christians (alone) have this experience and it is hard for me to imagine life apart from the forgiveness of God.

God provided a great lesson for me on forgiveness at Yellow Front.

You haven't heard of Yellow Front. It was a little-known department store where I worked in high school. Think of Target, with about 10% of the inventory and square footage. We had a little bit of a lot of things, but not a real good selection of anything. Like Woolworths' (if you can remember that one) only not as classy. The logo -- if you could call it that -- must have taken 20 minutes to come up with.

I was a stock clerk and loved the job. One of my duties was the plant department. The plants were displayed on the end of an aisle. They had to be stocked promptly and watered.

The summer of 1977 was winding down and my departure to CU was nearing. I looked up in the stock room and saw a troubling sight: A box of plants that I had forgotten to stock. A good option at that time would have been to immediately pull the box off the shelf and see if they could be salvaged. I didn't do that. Instead, I tried to wait it out and hope that I would be gone before the box would be discovered.

That didn't work. On a walk-through with me on my last day, the store manager spotted the box. My last memory at Yellow Front involves standing at the loading dock with my manager, Bob Warner. We were going through the box, tossing plants into the dumpster one-by-one. I don't remember any indication of the anger that I deserved.

Three plants were salvageable and he gave them to me.

It was the opposite of what I had coming. I should have gotten chewed out and rebuked. A dock in my paycheck would have been defensible. Instead, I drove away with three plants. They went with me to my dorm room and were a reminder of Bob's kindness and my experience at Yellow Front.

The gift of the plants is now one of my greatest life lessons on grace. Grace is being given good things despite doing bad things. Grace comes from God to me every day. Despite having sinned in many ways -- more than I can count or am aware of -- He has given me salvation and His Holy Spirit and friends and work and blessing upon blessing.

The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. II Cor 13:14