Men and Women

It has been a cold winter in Minnesota. January hasn't seen 32 degrees yet, and most of the days have been below zero. Spring will be especially satisfying this year.


But I can still run at the Lake Street Y's big indoor track. It spans the Y's gymnasium and is 1/6 of a mile long. So while I run, I overlook the activities going on in the gym. There is a Somali soccer league, golf lessons, baseball tryouts, men's and women's basketball, an Asian football group, gay men's volleyball, and high school track. It is good to see the gym get so much use and to have something to look at as I round the oval.


Watching women's basketball, I've noticed that there is a lot of apologizing throughout the game. There are apologies for a personal foul, a missed shot, a turnover, etc.


I don't see the men apologizing very often on the court. When a foul is called on them, the most likely reaction is disbelief.


Of course these are generalizations. I bring it up here to simply make the point that I saw clearly the illustration of God's design at the Y. There is a certain goal-oriented, win-the-battle spirit that God has weaved into the masculine heart. And there is caring, sensitivity to the needs of others that He has breathed into the feminine.


Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that men aren't to be sensitive and women aren't to be goal-oriented. Consider Jesus. If there is ever a man who won the battle -- over sin and death and satan -- it is He. Yet He longed to gather Jerusalem as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, He wept over Lazarus, and He is touched by our weaknesses.


. . . male and female created He them. Genesis 1:27

How to be Humble

I always look forward to Thursday nights. Five guys meet here at the house for Bible study. The study is approaching its four-year anniversary. Rod and Mike have been constants. Several others have come and gone in that time, and right now, Adam and Paul from the house are part of the group. We take turns leading the study and it is a good time digging in the Word together.

Last night Mike K was leading us in a study of 1 Peter, chapter 5. Adam made a great observation that I've been thinking about all day from verses 6-7:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Adam pointed out that, if you take away a descriptive phrase in verse six you are left with a key instruction on humility:

Humble yourselves . . . casting all your anxieties on him . .

I demonstrate humility by casting all of my cares on Christ. If I am carrying my own cares, and full of worry and concern throughout the day, it is an indication that the person I am trusting to make things happen is . . . ME! But if I regularly unload my burdens and trust Christ with my trouble, then I am giving evidence that Christ alone is all-sufficient and the answer to all my needs.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33

Stronger or Weaker?

Many things in our lives are complex. When I went to the NARTH conference, I was amazed at how complicated the issues are that we face. There could be a biological predisposition; there are family-of-origin issues from as far back as infancy that can result in a same-sex attraction. Traumatic experiences can affect us bodily until they are processed. Peer rejection, at a crucial point in our lives, can leave lasting damage. My friend Joe reminds me that these complexities are not unique to those with same-sex attraction, but are common in every life.

So I am always relieved when I discover something that is simple and true.

Yesterday evening, I was meeting with Dan and Mark to plan for the Outpost small group we are starting. We were talking about accountability and sexual failure. Men can fail in various ways, and as we discussed the topic, the simplicity of it hit home.

When a temptation hits us, we have such a simple decision: Do you want to keep your strength or do you want to grow weaker?

Yes, during a moment of sexual temptation, there may be a "climate of need" in our souls. There might be a fear or anxiety; loneliness or sadness. There can be a dismal feeling in our hearts that is difficult to name and even sense. Or maybe we are just sleepy.

The good news is that there is help from the Spirit of God during these times. We are not without help in our difficulties. "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10.

So the simple question is this: when you are tempted to some sexual escape, will you make it worse by following through? Or will you believe God. "I will strengthen you; I will help you."

Don't add more negative feelings to your soul with a sexual failure. God is with you. If you are a Christian, He is dwelling in your heart -- He couldn't be any nearer.

"Be strong in the Lord, and in the power of His might!" Ephesians 6:10

Happy Old Year

I don't send Christmas cards. Long ago, I concluded that the holidays were busy enough and I decided to opt out. It follows, then, that I don't receive them either, but for a couple of faithful-to-the-end souls who have kept me on their lists despite my failure to respond.

But I've always appreciated the "Christmas letter", which reflects on the year past. Along with catching up on the news, I like the idea of looking backward and giving thanks for God's faithfulness over the past 12 months. Many like me are eager, here at the end of December, to set some goals for the year ahead. But before I look forward, I want to look back and give thanks.

Though they moved out of our house in 2008, I am thankful for Rod and Aaron. Each bought their own places and it is fun to see them take that big step. Their time at the house was a good season and I'm glad to consider each of them good friends. Each of these brothers are growing and stepping into new adventures. What gifts God gives us when He provides friends like these.

God has brought many good household companions, and I am learning to trust Him to provide friends to share the house. He brought Rod and Aaron and Trent in for awhile; just as He has brought Adam and Paul, the two faithful brothers who live at 2909 right now. I'm striving to have a household for men that is a spiritually healthy place.

The baseball trip with Andy was certainly a highlight. Four stadiums (Cleveland, Detroit, Chicago and Milwaukee) in four days. It was a fun time getting to know Andy better, visiting great stadiums, and enjoying our national pastime. We saw our Twins lose twice during a 12-2 run. A big part of the trip was visiting some of Andy's favorite midwestern restaurants. Here we are at Steak and Shake in Indiana. The '09 trip (to St. Louis and Kansas City) is already on the calendar.

In 2008, we geared down the CPA firm, saying good bye to Jeri and Deanna, the best two employees on the planet. (Can you believe that they bought me lunch and a going away gift at the end?) Though not without some bumps in the road over the years, I can thank God for abundant blessings on the accounting practice. The clients I have right now are absolutely great.

While the CPA firm was decreased, the coaching ministry was started. Aaron got the site up and developed an awesome logo. God brought a few men to work with, enabled me to attend NARTH, and reunited me with Outpost, with whom I will lead a group starting in a couple of weeks.

My Mom and Dad gave me a brand new Malibu in August, after the faithful Kia got bumped on I-94. I still feel loved every time I get in the car. This was my Dad's idea and we spent a day shopping for cars in Lakewood. I made it to Denver three times in 2008, and it was good staying with my parents in the house that I grew up in. They bless me in more ways than I can count.

Some of the most exhilarating times in 2008 were on the Midtown Greenway or the Mississippi River Road, using the new running leg. What a thrill to get out and run again, like I did when I was a kid. My prosthetist, Cale, encouraged me to give it a shot and he spent months getting the fit just right. What a blessing it is to be approaching 50 and enjoying a new athletic pursuit. I plan to write more on the experience of being a "disabled" athlete and the joy of overcoming a physical challenge.

Thank you, Lord, for so many good gifts in 2008! You are an abundant Giver, a faithful Father, and worthy of all of my trust. Thank you for your Son, for your Holy Spirit, and for our salvation!

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

In 30 minutes I'll leave the house to start the journey to Denver. I'll leave the house on foot with a bag over my shoulder and another in tow to walk to the bus stop. The bus will bring me to the train, which will bring me to the airport. Then the plane to DIA. From there I take a van to Arvada. Then I'm hoping my parents will pick me up in the car to take me to Lakewood. A five hour trip and six different "coaches" will bring me home.

So it is with "life" coaching, is it not? I need to remember that as a life coach I am a link in the chain that God might be using to bring someone along. I can look back at significant men in my life who God brought my way. Certainly my Dad in more ways than I can count. Bob Warner, my first boss at Yellow Front was a kind-hearted business man; Jerry Farnik was my first Bible study leader and he discipled me at the University of Colorado; Richard Truman sought me out to teach me the Bible when I was a new believer. Helmer Dicksved, my first friend in Minnesota, modeled love and faithfulness. Most recently, Stuart Palmer has been an example of an encouraging life coach. Certainly this is only a handful of the ones that have coached me over my life.

That is how God works. Each of us can look back at a mosaic of men and women who have shaped who we are. But it is God working through them, making us into the child of God that He is calling us to be.

We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. Col 1:28

Get Back Up

Every life will entail some sort of setback, failure, or disappointment. It can be big or small, physical or emotional, conspicuous or unnoticeable.

As you read this, your great tragedy or hardship is likely coming to mind. It might be a physical problem that is bothersome everyday. Or an injustice that has robbed you of something precious. It could be an opportunity that was squandered and left you wondering what might have been. Or, as I've mentioned here recently, a childhood trauma that still has an impact on you.

How true it is that our response is the key to our contentment.

Nick Vujicic is a living illustration for us. Born without arms and legs, Nick exudes a love for life. He does not focus on what he does not have, but what he does have. Watching his videos I see a joyful man. He speaks of his gratitude to God for His love for him, for his salvation and eternal hope, and for other gifts.

You can see more of Nick in this Youtube video.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Trauma and the Brain

Four weeks ago right about now, I was ready to dig into a burrito bowl at the Chipotle in Arvada in the warm Colorado sunshine. With journal at hand, I was processing what I had learned that morning at the NARTH Conference.

I'm still processing.

The presenter that morning was Dr. Norman Goldwassar, a psychologist whose main focus was trauma, including a technique of processing it called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). The talk was fascinating. EMDR has been remarkably effective for things like PTSD. The Psychologist has had some very good outcomes in treating people with unwanted same-sex attraction (USSA).

What really hit home was his definition of a trauma: an event that is shocking, unexpected, rocks your world, and is destabilizing. One event can be a trauma to one person but not to another. If something still bothers you and if you still remember the details of the event, then it is likely a trauma.

Traumas get stuck, according to Dr. Goldwasser, in the right side of your brain. The left brain -- the analytical and processing half -- does not get involved. He said that the trauma can get stuck in your neurological system and can result in physiological symptoms.

I could relate to this -- sweaty palms and tightness in the chest in situations which, my brain tells me are safe, but my body is reacting as if it is not.

The goal of EMDR is to engage the left brain into the trauma where it can be processed.

Dr. Goldwassar's talk brought home to me the role of trauma in the development of SSA and the benefit of processing it. Many with SSA have experienced trauma at an age when they were unable to deal with it. Returning to the trauma -- thinking through it, talking through it, and praying through it -- can remove the effects of the trauma, including the physiological reactions that are subconsciously triggered.

I'll be writing more about brain trauma in the weeks to come. It seems like a very important consideration in addressing USSA.

O LORD, you have searched me and known me! . . . You discern my thoughts from afar. Psalm 139:1-2