Real Change

I attended the Exodus Regional Conference this past weekend. It was my new friend Scott who told me about it, and before I knew it I was heading down I-94 to Green Lake, Wisconsin for the event with him and his friend David. There were good times of worship, a very good speaker, and many like me who are journeying out of same-sex attraction.

I have attended three of these events: one in 80’s in Madison, one in the 90’s in St. Paul, and this one. Over the weekend I was able to reflect on the change that has taken place in my soul as the years have gone by. In the 80’s, I remember going to an event like this and becoming “preoccupied” (I’m not sure how else to say it) with one of the male attendees. This time, however, it was a female at the conference that captured my attention more than anyone else.

What it is so striking about this change is that it is in no way forced. I do not feel like I need to be married or have a girlfriend or even be attracted to women. I am content and am well past the typical marrying season. God has made my life very full. I understand that my celibacy is a gift from Him and I am truly thankful for it. But there I was, tying to get a good look at this woman whenever the opportunity arose.

So though I am not married (and don’t expect to be) I am an example of a true change.

There have been several who, when they have become aware my coaching work, express concern over the possibility of “falling” with a client. I won’t say that this is completely impossible. But it is an opportunity to explain that same-sex attraction is something that one can grow out of, if you are willing to put forth the effort. Once you grow into manhood, men become less interesting and women much more.

Yes, it took decades. But it doesn't have to. And that is why it thrills me to be able to coach other men around this issue. Change is indeed possible and I've never been more certain.

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." Genesis 2:18

Benefits of Physical Contact

It might be suprising to many readers that healthy physical contact with other men can be a powerful healing experience to men who struggle with same-sex attraction. Why this is true takes a little bit of explanation, but first let me take a stab at why I think that this is so unexpected to those who don't struggle first-hand.

Just guessing, but many men view same-sex attraction through the grid of their opposite-sex attraction. They view it, understandably I suppose, as a "lust" issue. They are well-acquainted with their own problem with lust, and their solution is to "not go near" anything or anyone that could trigger sexual desires in their hearts. So, unless you are on the path to marriage with a woman, you keep a safe distance physically.

But same-sex attraction is not the flip-side of opposite-sex attraction. Something deeper and more complex is going on. Consider this quote by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi:

“Homosexuality is an alienation from males – in infancy from father, and in later life from male peers. By eroticizing what he feels disenfranchised from, the homosexual man is still seeking this initiation into manhood through other males.”

Same-sex attracted men long for what they missed out on growing up. In a nutshell, it is the bonding that boys experience with men and peers. And some of this bonding occurs in the process of physical touch.

Of course I am referring to healthy physical touch that is not sexual.

My friend Jacob, who is working through same-sex attraction provided this report after roughhousing with some of his college buddies:

This is so ironic. I never thought physical intimacy would be the healer. I always saw it as something to be avoided, because I thought it would only increase the temptation to lust. But somehow it's having the opposite effect. And the part that really intrigues me is that only a few months ago, if I would have gotten into a friendly physical combat match like that, it would have been an automatic red flag. I don't know about you, Dave, but I think I see God's fingerprints all over this sudden shift.

Along with a "friendly combat match" with one of his roommates, Jacob had this camping trip experience:

The camping trip was awesome! . . . Actually, the camping trip is where my victories began. All the guys slept in one tent; I believe there were six of us. Because the tent wasn't exactly large, we all had to lie right next to each other. . . . The first night we were there, all the guys were huddled together in the men's tent. . . . It was then that I realized something: physical intimacy with other men, although it made me very happy, does NOT bring me the sexual gratification that I thought it would.

The Lord binds up the brokenness of His people. Isaiah 30:26

October in Minnesota

Minnesota has a reputation for cold weather, but it is a little overblown. Last weekend was in the 70's and I thought I would post some pics of the scenery that I encountered as I ran along the Mississippi River. We are a few days past the "peak" of leaf color, but the hues on the river banks are still striking.

The river road was packed with cyclists, walkers, runners, and bladers. It was great to be out in the middle of October and not need a shirt during my long run. Yes, I did get caught in the rain but to my surprise, I found it was more exhilirating than unpleasant.

I am thankful for the efforts to provide so many parks and parkways here in Minneapolis. There are many scenic trails for running and cycling. My favorite is the Midtown Greenway, only a block from our house. It is railroad bed converted to a cycling trail and runs west from the Mississippi River all the way to the western suburbs. During June, there were 3600 users of the trail on average every day! It is like a bicycle freeway with few stop signs and it connects me to the "chain of lakes". There is a bike center midway and landscaping along the route.

And God saw everything He had made, and, behold, it was very good. Genesis 1:30

Finishing the Race

Looking ahead to the time of his departure from this life, the Apostle Paul told his spiritual son, Timothy, these words: "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." It gives you a little insight on how he viewed his time here. To Paul, his life was a marathon and a fight -- a very short contest that demanded all that he had.

Out of the thousands of competitors at the Twin Cities Marathon yesterday, certainly a few must have had the Apostle's words on their minds. I spent the morning traveling along the route cheering my friend Mike along as he ran the 26.2 mile course. There were many who turned out to applaud the runners as they ran. The five of us -- Mike's parents, his two children and I -- went to mile 7, mile 14, and mile 22 to encourage Mike and feed him powerbars as he made his journey. I really enjoyed cheering the runners on as they pursued the prize -- a finisher's medalion and the immense satisfaction of running the course to completion.

There must have been many temptations to quit. Not the least of which was the downpour that fell around mile 7. It came down hard and runners had to pick their paths to avoid the puddles that formed in the road. Along with the rain, there was the soreness and downright pain that runners suffered. But most of them persevered, crossed the finish line and enjoyed a festive celebration on the capitol grounds with the friends who supported them. Mike crossed the line in three hours and 59 minutes -- 24 seconds ahead of his goal.

Reflecting on race day, I came away with two goals. One would be to run a marathon someday. The second is far more important, and that is to take on the Apostle Paul's view of life. It is a marathon that demands all that I have. Someday I will cross the finish line and take part in a wonderful celebration. On that Day, I want to be able to look back and say that, through God's grace I gave it everything I had. Lord, give me the strength to run strong until I cross the finish line!

. . . there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day. The Apostle Paul, 2 Timothy 4:8

Taking the first exit (Part 3)

The "Part 3" above probably tipped you off to the fact that this is third in a series. Part 1 is intended to explain the importance of having an "off-ramp" strategy when temptations for a sexual escape hit. Part 2 contains some suggestions to men who would like to develop such a strategy for themselves. This post is written to men who are coming alongside a man who is feeling the urge to act on an impulse.

To be asked to assist a man in overcoming an addictive pattern is nothing less than an honor. Asking you to help him in his time of need is an indication of great trust. He trusts that you will keep his difficulties confidential. He trusts that you will be a source of the encouragement and strength that he needs when he calls. He has opened himself up to you and admitted that he needs help. It is a significant role and you should be honored to have been asked.

The man who has called you is on the road to some sort of sexual escape. The escape he is contemplating will leave him with guilt and shame. And it will whet his appetite for more. Depending on his path, the escape could entangle him in a destructive relationship and even jeopardize his physical health. His spiritual health will be marred as well.

He has several needs when he calls. Do you know what they are?

Feel free to ask him in advance. I've found, however, that at this moment the man needs a mixture of these things: comfort, strength, connection to another person.

That's all. Sexual escapes provide counterfeit of each and leave a man wounded. You can provide something real and help him off the destructive highway that he is on.

Don't be concerned that you may not have the right words. You're not there to do counseling or to help him figure it out. Encourage. Listen. Come alongside. Help him through this rough patch so that he will make a good decision right now.

I hope that this is helpful, reader. God bless you as you help men persevere and grow. I'd love to hear how it goes as you come alongside a struggling man. Feel free to correspond with me or leave a comment.

What is desired in a man is steadfast love. Proverbs 19:22

Taking the first exit (part 2)

In Part 1, I explained about the need for men with addictive behavior patterns, specifically escapes that are sexual in nature, to have an off-ramp strategy to head-off a destructive fall. This is not exactly a new idea. But I've seen few concrete suggestions for men to implement this strategy so that it is an effective tool in fighting addictive behaviors. In Part 3, I have suggestions for men on the receiving end of the telephone call.

Select 3 guys

Maybe more than three if you'd like. Choose carefully and look for men who will be understanding when you call. The type who will offer you encouragement and not a reprimand. "What is desired in a man is steadfast love," the Proverbs say. He needn't be one of your closest friends. But he must be generally reachable and he must be understanding when it comes to sexual sin. His values need to line up with yours; that is, that sexual escapes are unhealthy and wrong. He must be able to be trusted with the information that you will share with him.

Explain to the man your need

Here is a suggestion:

Hey, Bruce, I'd like to ask a favor of you . . . something that you'll hold in confidence between just you and me. Every now and then I have fallen into some sexual escapes -- nothing I much want to do or am proud of -- and am working with a coach to break the habit. I was wondering if you would be willing to be someone I could give a quick call to when I feel the cycle start to begin. We don't need to get into what's going on when I call -- I just need to briefly connect with a friend, let him know what's going on and get some encouragement and prayer support. It's not a lifetime commitment -- just for the next few months as I make some progress and break the pattern. Would you be willing to help me?

There is no need to get into the specifics of your temptations.

It might seem like a tough request to make. But likely the man will feel honored that you trust him with your struggle and admire your doing what you need to do to overcome it.

Follow through

Set up some trigger points for yourself. "I'll call Tony, Roger, and Stuart if I ________" (start driving downtown, pick up the phone to call so-and-so, start a dangerous internet search, etc). Once you hit the trigger point, make the calls. If there is no answer, leave a message with a request to talk later.

I suggest keeping the call brief but completely honest.

Don't be afraid to ask for what you need to exit the sexual escape highway. "Wayne, can I call you in 45 minutes to assure that I drive straight home?" or, "Can I send you an email about how I spent the rest of the day? I really need to process what happened to me at work today."

Remember

Remember that a sexual escape is worthless. Yes, your heart will race and you'll be distracted from your emotional trouble. But it will leave you with a mixture of shame, guilt, and desire that won't go easily or quickly.

Save yourself all of that. Develop an off-ramp strategy and use it.

. . . if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use. 2 Timothy 2:21

Taking the first exit (Part 1)

Many have made the observation that a sexual escape is the culmination of a sequence of events. Men are often set up for temptation initially by a disappointing event. A sense of discouragement and defeat follows. Surely, the devil is an opportunist (Luke 4:13).

Dr. Joseph Nicolosi has pointed out that, as a men progress down this path, they are "not feeling" and "not dealing". The emotions that the event has triggered are difficult to deal with, and to push the emotions out of their heads they start down a path of sexual escape. As Nicolosi has explained, they begin a dialogue with themselves . . . "I want to act out . . . I shouldn't act out . . . I want to . . . I shouldn't".

This is a familiar scenario to men who have found themselves on this path. There is a fight going on in their souls and it is a fight that they often loose.

True enough, it is ideal to identify and wage this mind battle as early in the process as possible. But renewing the mind is a long process. It takes time (yep, I'm talking months and years) to tune in to our patterns of thinking and feeling and escaping.

In the mean time, I am coaching the men who struggle with addictive sexual escapes to have an "off-ramp" strategy. The strategy involves having three men to call when they begin to sense that they are on the sexual escape super highway. Having an off-ramp strategy is not a substitute for their ongoing mind-renewing work that they are doing with their counselors and coaches. But the off-ramp strategy can spare the man from the debilitating effects of a sexual failure, big or small.



The off-ramp is so important, that I urge men to spend time carefully developing their strategy. In the following posts, I offer suggestions to men who are trying to stop addictive behaviors (Part 2) and to the men who will be supporting them (Part 3).

. . . flee youthful passions. 2 Timothy 2:22